Happy Birthday to Me...
Today is my birthday and earlier on I prayed for two things - one, for the war in Ukraine to be over soon and two, that I'd receive a sign from my Mom today.
Neither came true. And my husband and I had a stupid argument to top it all off and it just made for a crappy birthday. I'm 56 today and I feel like my life is over. My parents and brother are gone. My sister and I who were once so close, are like strangers now. Everything changed when our Mom died. Our family unit splintered and is forever altered. No more Christmas gatherings. No more Easter dinners together. No more Thanksgivings. No more of anything involving what's left of our family unit. I'm in the middle of two sisters that dont get along - they never have. It makes getting together stressful, awkward and it just sucks. The one sister I considered my best friend betrayed me badly and treated our mother awfully during her illness. I've touched on this previously in other writings.
She was also 'grabby' over Mom's possessions (at least it felt like that) when it came time to sort out her apartment. She showed a side of herself, that I didn't want to believe. She broke my heart in many ways. It will never be the same between us and that has been SO hard for me to accept. It felt like another terrible loss... and I'm still working on the forgiveness part as well.
I feel like there is nothing to look forward to anymore. There are more endings now than beginnings and I feel depression creeping in. Tonight on the drive home, my husband and I sat in silence. I just looked up at the passing clouds and told my parents in my head how much I miss them. Then I was overcome by the deepest feelings of sorrow, grief and intense longing. I long for how things used to be. I long for one of my Dad's hugs, him calling me sweetheart or darling. I long to tell my Mom things. I miss our conversations on the phone. For a woman with only a grade 8 education, she was so articulate and well versed on many topics. Such untapped potential, all robbed by an abusive, alcoholic father who went to jail, forcing my Mom to quit school so she could care for her two younger siblings. I have grieved for the loss of my Mom, but also for the life she never got to have. The one she deserved.
I'm going off on tangents here and I'm sorry to anyone reading my drivel. I just felt the need to express my feelings tonight. I realise that I have so much to still be grateful for, but every now and then I indulge in self pity.
Loss is inevitable. Death is inevitable. We know this - we watch films full of it, see it on the news, it happens to our neighbors and friends. But when it comes for us, we feel blindsided. Unprepared. Our experience, though universal, feels wholly isolating and all our own. We walk a path of grief alongside others, but still on our own. I have to say though, I'm not enjoying the journey at this moment.
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