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The Little Things.



It's really bizarre how memories are triggered by the most benign things. Especially when it comes to loss and grief. 

The memories of my Mom are triggered by, well most everything, but lately it's when I go into the stores that I took her to. The other day it was a can of Primo Minestrone soup. (I know, right?) 

Mom's favourite soup was this particular one and I can't describe the hours we spent driving to different stores for this damn soup! Or her favourite jam, Fieldberry. Both products seemed hard to find but now that she's gone, I see them all the time. It makes me sad. And grumpy!

Those small, innocent things stop me dead in my tracks when I'm in a store. The memories flood in and pretty soon people are walking quickly past me because I'm crying in the aisle. 

Other small things come along too and you wish so much that you could share them. My mom had fragile nails that were always breaking and I remember trying to find her a good strengthener to no avail. A year after her death I found one that would have been perfect. It figures. She also loved jewelry - worked for years at a jewelry store and I only now found a place that sells fine jewelry at discount prices. I could have bought her so many nice things she would have loved. There are bound to be many more triggers and situations that come up to challenge my strength. 

I'll deal with them as they come I suppose.

I am astonished that it will be 3 years this coming September since my Mom died. I'm still deeply grieving and I am blown away that it still feels like it's only been a few months since she died. I think the estrangement from my sister, (who I was extremely close to) delayed my grief response. I was so angry with her, for months. Then the pandemic hit - my daughter fled an abusive partner in the US and came back to live with us in Canada. She was so emotionally wrecked, I put all of my focus into seeking help for her and being there to support her. I didn't even scratch the surface of my grief and devastation until April 2021. The two years of the pandemic did everyone in, myself included. I've aged so much, lost a lot of my hair... Yet, I think of those poor souls in Ukraine and I can find plenty to feel grateful for. 

It really is a journey though, this grief thing. You never know what's lurking around the corner and just as you feel you've made progress, something can throw you off and you're back to square one.

I miss my Mom SO much... I'll never be able to articulate the impact her death has had on me.

I've asked her for a 'sign' countless times but have not gotten one. Or maybe they're there, but so subtle I didn't notice them? When my Dad passed, I swore I could feel his presence for a long time afterward. But... nothing from my Mom. Radio Silence.

 I love you Mom and I hope and pray you are with Dad and David. I hope the pain of the life you had here is gone and replaced with eternal joy. 


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