How can I help support my Dad?

[Monty]

My mother suddenly passed away on the 23rd of October 2016. She had a stroke. I am trying to deal with my own grief and loss but my main priority is my Dad. I want to know how i can support him. What has helped you try and deal with this unimaginable grief? I know the journey is different for everyone and what might work for some may not work for others. 

My Dad found my mum and blames himself for not checking on her earlier. I have organised some grief counselling for him. I am trying to be there for him a much as I can but I have 2 young children. Being around the grandchildren is too painful for him at the moment. This makes it hard. 

Any replies or suggestions on how i can be the most supportive daughter would be greatly appreciated. Thank you in advance. 

[KMB]

So sorry for both you and your dad. I'm still getting thru the loss of my husband, so I don't know what to say. Sounds like you are all doing as well as can be expected. Take care of yourself, try to be there as much as you can for your dad. If you can't be with him, call him often throughout the day and evening. I wish I had someone to do that for me. If your dad goes to church, call the pastor to make visits or church members for your dad. Do the same for yourself.

Prayers to all of you.

[KayC]

I'm so sorry.  I hope one of these articles can be of help to you.

http://www.griefhealingblog.com/2011/10/helping-grieving-parent.html

http://www.griefhealing.com/column-helping-another-in-grief.htm

Perhaps if he could read these:

http://www.griefhealingblog.com/2016/03/in-grief-coping-with-moment-of-death.html

http://www.griefhealingblog.com/2012/12/grief-and-burden-of-guilt.html

I know how hard it is, most of us struggle with the what ifs and guilt to some degree.  We're trying to make some kind of sense of this and affixing blame often comes into play, when really, there doesn't seem to be rhyme or reason when it comes to death, it just is.

[Monty]

Thank you KMB and KayC for your responses. It is so hard to watch him in so much pain and he is trying to be brave for us. My sister is staying with him at the moment so at least he is not alone especially in the evenings. She has to go back to work next week so the days will be particularly hard for him. I will have a look at those links thank you.

I am so very sorry for your losses too. This is a long and painful journey. I'm sure your husbands would be very proud of you both. Getting of forums such as this helping and supporting each other and helping others such as myself. 

Hugs. 

[Janice 252]

Hi Monty. So sorry to hear you have lost your mother but you have come to the right place. My husband passed away very suddenly just 7weeks ago and both KayC and KMB have been very supportive. It sounds like you are doing all the right things for your dad. Like him I have 2 wonderful daughters who live not too far away and have been so good to me. I try not to burden them too much as they are obviously grieving too.  I see them quite often and if not then they phone to check on me. That contact means so much. The grandchildren can be a problem. My husband and I looked after our granddaughters ( 5 and 3) for 2 days a week and I dont know when or even if I will be able to do that again. People say that the children are a great comfort but though I love them dearly I don't have the energy for them. Hopefully that will improve for both your dad and myself. Don't forget to look after yourself. Sending hugs x

[KayC]

Janice, I understand!  My granddaughter is 1 1/2 and I worry about that too, her other grandparents have each other to help take care of her, but I'm just me, and that's way harder!  We aren't as young as we used to be!

Monty, I wish you well, it is a long hard journey, but your dad is lucky to have such a caring son.

[Monty]

13 hours ago, Janice 252 said:

Hi Monty. So sorry to hear you have lost your mother but you have come to the right place. My husband passed away very suddenly just 7weeks ago and both KayC and KMB have been very supportive. It sounds like you are doing all the right things for your dad. Like him I have 2 wonderful daughters who live not too far away and have been so good to me. I try not to burden them too much as they are obviously grieving too.  I see them quite often and if not then they phone to check on me. That contact means so much. The grandchildren can be a problem. My husband and I looked after our granddaughters ( 5 and 3) for 2 days a week and I dont know when or even if I will be able to do that again. People say that the children are a great comfort but though I love them dearly I don't have the energy for them. Hopefully that will improve for both your dad and myself. Don't forget to look after yourself. Sending hugs x

Thank you Janice for your heartfelt response. My Dad obviously adores my children but he is just finding it hard to be around them at the moment. I think he feels guilty seeing them without Mum. She loved them so much. Makes it very hard as I am a stay at home mum four days a week so I cannot go and see him during the day as I always have the children with me. I can only call him instead. 

So sorry for your loss too. 7 weeks on I'm sure it is still very raw. I'm sure you are not a burden to your daughters. They would want to be there to help support you in any way they can. 

You take care of yourself too. Xo

[Monty]

Thank you KayC. My Dad is very lucky to have 3 supportive children. Hopefully together we can help him as he grieves and we work through our grief too. Such a hard journey.

[KayC]

3 hours ago, Monty said:

I think he feels guilty seeing them without Mum.

That is common response.  Hopefully he'll get past that and make effort in time.

[Janice 252]

Hi Monty and thanks for your kind words. My situation is very like your dad's as in I found my husband as I thought asleep but he had had a massive heart attack. Dialled 999 and tried CPR myself but it was all too late I too have guilt that I didn't find him sooner. I know it's not helpful to feel that  but nobody thinks rationally at this time. I'm not there myself yet. I can also really relate to how your dad is about the children. My husband loved them so much and had so much fun with them but he was also very involved in their education and their development and was so looking forward to watching them grow into adults. I think this is the worst thing I am dealing with. Both he and them are missing out on so much and it breaks my heart. I'm sure your dad feels the same. I'm going to have to try and do it for the both of us but it's not going to be easy. I've been talking to my daughter about you and what advice I could give. I'm very lucky to have wonderful children and it sounds like your dad has too. My best advice would be to be honest with each other. Be secure in your love for each other to say when you need help , when you need support or when you want to be left alone. Tell your dad he has to put himself first. A sudden death like this puts your body into shock and you need to physically recover before you can process the grief. That can take some time. Be kind to yourself. You're doing all the right things. Sending hugs to you and your dad. X

[Jeff In Denver]

I am sorry to hear this.  Probably the best thing you can do, in my opinion, is to be there for him.  Actively listen. We tend to want to fix things, but that's not always possible.

Also, in my experience, grief counseling, talking to a priest/minister/rabbi, etc., doesn't help.  He might have better luck.

 

 

[Monty]

7 hours ago, Janice 252 said:

Hi Monty and thanks for your kind words. My situation is very like your dad's as in I found my husband as I thought asleep but he had had a massive heart attack. Dialled 999 and tried CPR myself but it was all too late I too have guilt that I didn't find him sooner. I know it's not helpful to feel that  but nobody thinks rationally at this time. I'm not there myself yet. I can also really relate to how your dad is about the children. My husband loved them so much and had so much fun with them but he was also very involved in their education and their development and was so looking forward to watching them grow into adults. I think this is the worst thing I am dealing with. Both he and them are missing out on so much and it breaks my heart. I'm sure your dad feels the same. I'm going to have to try and do it for the both of us but it's not going to be easy. I've been talking to my daughter about you and what advice I could give. I'm very lucky to have wonderful children and it sounds like your dad has too. My best advice would be to be honest with each other. Be secure in your love for each other to say when you need help , when you need support or when you want to be left alone. Tell your dad he has to put himself first. A sudden death like this puts your body into shock and you need to physically recover before you can process the grief. That can take some time. Be kind to yourself. You're doing all the right things. Sending hugs to you and your dad. X

Janice, you situation sounds so similar. We initially thought it was a heart attack too. It was not until further investigation that we found out it was a stroke. Dad found Mum and dialled 000 (we are in Australia) and tried to do CPR but he has since said to me that he knew she was already gone but he had to try. Mum was perfectly fine when she went up to their bedroom and was fine at my place earlier that day there was no slurring of words, fumbling, she was very coherent. How cab this happen? 

My Dad is not very good at asking for what he wants/needs but we know him well enough to read him and pry until he tells us. My sister is staying with him at the moment for as long as he needs. I agree, that a sudden death makes you body go into shock and feel that my Dad and sister are still in that place. This is just so hard. 

[Monty]

5 hours ago, Jeff In Denver said:

I am sorry to hear this.  Probably the best thing you can do, in my opinion, is to be there for him.  Actively listen. We tend to want to fix things, but that's not always possible.

Also, in my experience grief counseling, talking to a priest/minister/rabbi, etc., doesn't help.  He might have better luck.

 

 

So true. Being an active listener is of utmost importance. I have organised grief counselling for Dad starting this week (he asked for help) so I'm hoping his experience is more positive than yours. Fingers crossed.

So sorry for your loss too. 

[Monty]

12 hours ago, KayC said:

That is common response.  Hopefully he'll get past that and make effort in time.

I hope so too. 

[Jeff In Denver]

I really hope he is successful.   I'm not sure if you've seen my previous posts about what has helped me, but there is an excellent $10 course available on the Forever Family Foundation's website called "Love Knows No Death." 

They describe the problem with grief counseling.  Basically you have two big blows:  The physical loss of the person, and then the concept that they cease to exist.  No one can do anything about the first condition, unfortunately.  You want the person back but that can't be changed by a grief counselor or anyone else.

But if there were a way to be absolutely convinced that they were only physically gone?  That they were still with you, around you, loved you, and cared about you?  Would that help? Well, it did for me.  No grief counselor was able to offer any relief because that's not how they roll.

If you really think about it, you can see where grief counseling might fall short.  Just my two cents...

 

 

 

 

[KMB]

Hi Monty---Prayers to you and your family. I admire the help you are giving to your father, I hope you are taking care of yourself also since you are grieving the loss of your mom.

I feel that Jeff is right. I believe in the afterlife. My husband has been gone for 3 months and it's been tough and painful trying to adjust to living alone. I believe that my husband is still here in spirit, always with me. I talk to him in my head and also out loud. I'm doing the most basics of functioning right now, but it does bring me some measure of comfort talking to my husband while I struggle through the days and nights. I know my husband didn't want to leave me and the life we had together. His physical body and health conditions caused that leaving. I know from watching him struggle the last 2 years that he tried his hardest to stay here.I have to believe he is still with me in order for me to cope.

I hope for you and your family, your mom will come through with signs she is still with you all in spirit.

[KayC]

I too believe that my George continues to exist and that we will be together again someday.  I talk to him, think about him, write to him...there is so much we don't know, how can someone say they cease to exist?  Most people believe in an afterlife in some form.  We are not our bodies, they were our housing that we use and then it gives out.

Grief counselors vary, if you get one that's not helping, try another.  Make sure it's a professional GRIEF counselor though as not all counselors are trained in grief specialty.

[Jeff In Denver]

KayC and KMB I thiink you're on the right track.  You both have experienced devastating losses, and I believe that they hear you when you talk to them and are still very aware of everything about you.

I can't recall if I posted this here. but there is an good forum here:

http://afterlifeforums.com/forum.php

 

 

 

[KayC]

Thanks, Jeff, I'll have to check that out.

[claribassist13]

Monty, 

The best thing you can do for yourself is to make sure that this death doesn't tear your family apart. 
It's easy to let your grief overwhelm you to the point that you are unable to see the grief that other people are going through. Death is something that makes or breaks families, and it is so important that you don't allow this to break your family. 

Getting him into counseling or into a group where he can speak to others with similar experiences will help. You are both grieving the same person but in very, very different ways. Do what you can. That's all you can ask of yourself. 

[Monty]

On 8 November 2016 at 1:38 AM, Jeff In Denver said:

I really hope he is successful.   I'm not sure if you've seen my previous posts about what has helped me, but there is an excellent $10 course available on the Forever Family Foundation's website called "Love Knows No Death." 

They describe the problem with grief counseling.  Basically you have two big blows:  The physical loss of the person, and then the concept that they cease to exist.  No one can do anything about the first condition, unfortunately.  You want the person back but that can't be changed by a grief counselor or anyone else.

But if there were a way to be absolutely convinced that they were only physically gone?  That they were still with you, around you, loved you, and cared about you?  Would that help? Well, it did for me.  No grief counselor was able to offer any relief because that's not how they roll.

If you really think about it, you can see where grief counseling might fall short.  Just my two cents...

 

 

 

 

I certainly see where you are coming from and thank you for your insight. I too believe that I will get to see my mum again one day. 

My Dad had his first session of grief counseling and it went quite well. What he got from it was that it is ok to be sad and not hide that sadness from his children. I'm glad it has encouraged him to be ok with how he is feeling and have someone else to talk to removed from the situation. 

 

[Monty]

On 9 November 2016 at 8:02 AM, claribassist13 said:

Monty, 

The best thing you can do for yourself is to make sure that this death doesn't tear your family apart. 
It's easy to let your grief overwhelm you to the point that you are unable to see the grief that other people are going through. Death is something that makes or breaks families, and it is so important that you don't allow this to break your family. 

Getting him into counseling or into a group where he can speak to others with similar experiences will help. You are both grieving the same person but in very, very different ways. Do what you can. That's all you can ask of yourself. 

Thank you. We are trying to stick together and look out for each other. It is so true. We are all grieving in different ways and need to be mindful and considerate of each other's needs. I don't want to be around people much at the moment and my brother has to keep busy by doing things with his hands. Such a different journey for everyone. 

[KayC]

4 hours ago, Monty said:

What he got from it was that it is ok to be sad and not hide that sadness from his children. I'm glad it has encouraged him to be ok with how he is feeling and have someone else to talk to removed from the situation. 

Sound advice, I'm glad it's helping!