Loss of my dad, and betrayal of a son

[gypsywind]

I just lost my father, Nov. 15 2009.  He was and is such a big part of my life.  No matter how old you are...I think you still have that "He will live forever" belief somewhere inside you.   I was very close to my father.  My mother and I have never been close so I am going through the "orphan syndrome".  Everyone was at my fathers funeral except my oldest son.  He didn't come down while my dad was still in the hospital, and he didn't come down for the funeral.  We live in VA and my dad lived in AL.  His excuse was "he didn't want to lose his job", (which he lost the day before the funeral).  The real reason was he is 23 and just started seeing a new girl and didn't want to leave her for a few days.  I haven't seen him since I returned home.  I have a hard time talking with him on the phone.  I have the only two boys in the family.  The rest are girls.  My father really loved the boys.  Not only am I dealing with the loss of my dad, I am having extreme feelings about my oldest son's lack of respect or caring.  He never called the week before my dad's death to see how he was doing or after his death to see how I or anyone in the family was doing.  However, he did call an hour before my dad's funeral to ask how to install some program on the computer.   I don't know how to deal with all of this.  I don't sleep very much and not a day goes by that I am not crying.  My stomach stays in a knot.  When I do doze for a bit, I wake up feeling like I am late for doing something with my dad, then I remember he's gone and think I am late for his funeral.  Then it all hits me all over again.  When my son call's it is just like a knife cutting through me.   I was wondering if anyone has any advice out there?  I feel like I am going crazy.....

Thanks,

Marcy

[socal2010]

Hi Marcy - I'm so sorry for your loss. I wish I had good advice but I don't. I have learned though that we can't have any expectations for what we think people are supposed to do. I have been incredibly disappointed in certain family members for their selfishness and their lack of caring. I feel like my eyes are open for the first time ever about the type of people they are. I'm trying to find a way to not let that stress me out or upset me but it's very hard. I have vented to a friend about this and that does help (although I sometimes feel bad for her that she has to read it!) I guess the bottom line is that I'm learning we can't have expectations for anyone but ourselves. Your son is wrong to act the way he's acting. You know it and so does anyone with a heart. But there's nothing you can do about it. Maybe can calmly express your feelings to him just so he knows and then drop it. And just know that everything hurts more for you right now because you're grieving for your special Dad. (((hugs)))

[rlolheiser]

I am sorry for your pain gypsy wind.  I lost my father almost 4 years ago, It was 4 years ago I took care of him, and watched him die.  It was tough, I wasn't ready for him to leave me, we were really close.

I don't know what to tell you about your son.  I could only guess that perhaps he is grieving in his own way.  I don't know how close your father and he were, but maybe he just isn't ready to face it.  I think people hide in their lives so as not to accept the responsibility that comes with facing death.  He may be considered an adult, but chances are he isn't quite filling the shoes of one.  Try to be patient with him, it is tough with your own feelings because it is so hard.  He is still your son, and if you had a relationship with him before, try to keep it going, one day he will need it.  One day he will feel the pain, in some way that you may never see.

I am not the wisest person, but I have seen a lot of troubled young adults, being I have two of my own.  There are days I want to scream at them, but screaming doesn't work either.. only time...  unfortunately.. time... and it can be so slow going..

My prayers and thoughts are with you at this time, may you find some peace.

Leah

[bluegrass]

Hi Marcy,

I am sorry about how your oldest son handled his dad's death.  It does sound very insensitive, not only to the rest of his siblings, but especially to you. He is an adult though, and able to make his own choices, no matter how self-absorbed they might seem to those around him. You did have your other kids there to support you, and that was a great thing.

I suspect at some point in your son's life he will regret his decision to be so uninvolved in his father's illness and passing...what goes around, comes around.

However, what is done is done, and you can't change the fact that he was insensitive, or that the other siblings had to carry his part of the load. You can, however, change how you react to what he did, his phone calls now, etc. 

Your stomach is in a knot, and you are crying and having trouble sleeping because you are grieving. You are not crazy.....that is totally normal when we have lost one of the most important people in our life.  If you have a hard time talking to your son on the phone right now when your grief is so enormous, there is no rule that says you have to.  Wait until you are having a good day and feel more in control, then you can call him and make it short, IF you feel like it! Over time I think it will be easier to talk to him. The important thing to remember is, his behavior during this family crisis was a reflection on HIM--not you.

If you think it would help you, you could tell him directly that you were extremely disappointed in his lack of concern during his dad's sickness and the funeral...but once you've told him, then let it go and focus on taking care of yourself. In the early 20s people think they know everything....as I said before, I think later in life he will regret how he handled it all, and he will be the one who has to deal with that. 

In the meantime you can be focused on you and what YOU need, which is to be very, very good to yourself. 

Big hugs to you. {{{}}}

Bluegrass