My brother passed away. I think I'm still in denial?

[Littlesister51102]

My oldest brother passed away the first week of September. He was 31 and it was unexpected. He had a heart condition that he/we did not know of. That morning I thought he slept through his alarm for work. I found him in his bed. He just looked like he was sleeping but his coloring was a little different (it was hard to see because the shade was pulled down in his room) I stared at him for at least a minute. His chest did not move. I didn't scream I just walked to my mom in the living room and said he didn't look right. I dialed 911 when my mom was screaming. I just did it automatic like I was on pilot mode. The EMS people brought him out and layed him in front of the fireplace and covered him with a white sheet. Then they just left him there saying the coroner would pick him up in an hour. The cop that was there made me walk past him to get my license which was in my room. I remember walking past and seeing his hair behind the sheet. He was over 6ft tall so the sheet barely covered him. All the while I did not comprehend that he was dead.

I picked out his clothes for the funeral, got music picked out, help make arrangements etc. I didn't cry during the visitation/funeral. I only cried for my parents and other older brother. I felt like I couldn't cry nothing would come out. I just felt blank. 

I can't sleep at night. Not because I'm sad but because my mind races and won't shut off. I take Benadryl to knock me out. All day I am fine. I "forget" that he's gone. I feel like he's at work. 4 days ago I awoke at 1am and the second I opened my eyes it  hit me and I freaked out. I was crying so hard I couldn't breathe. I was having a panic attack. I couldn't get myself together and I had to wake my mom up. I couldn't go back to sleep til 4am. When I woke up I was fine again like nothing had happened and that is how I feel now. 

All three of us (myself and two older brothers) are/were all VERY close. I just don't understand why I am not grieving like I think I should be. What is wrong with me? I think I must be in denial? I feel like everything with him dying and the funeral etc has all been a blur. 

[aseriesofmoments]

There is NO right or wrong way to grieve. We are all wired differently and react differently. You should seek counseling but know you are never alone. There is tremendous shock involved with sudden loss. Especially, in that you found him. I am so very sorry. Panic attacks are like your body screaming on the inside. Be kind to yourself. Be gentle. 

[Ezz]

My brother was found in May this year and I feel like I am only just beginning to accept it. I didn't have anytime to think about it whilst I was at home and felt that I couldn't be seen broken down for my parents sake. I also believe it is a natural way to protect yourself from the horror of the reality until you are strong enough, and so you shouldn't rush your feelings. I hope that you are doing as ok as you can be.

[Daint2017]

Hi all, it's been 2 years since my brother went and I think I spend 80percent of time in denial. This works for me as when it hits me it's really painful. It's your mind protecting you. It's strange, it's like I know he's gone yet he hasn't in my mind. I think that keeps me going. It's too painful to acknowledge it and I am good at burying it. I will never have that type of unconditional love ever again. Makes me hurt so bad.