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How do you heal?


4everjoeysmom

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4everjoeysmom

I'm so sorry for your loss. I have been grieving and healing for 3 years as well. I lost my son on July 31, 2006. I can say I am healing, because the reality is that I don;t have the sharpness of pain I once had. But I still hurt. I still cry. I am not in deep mourning anymore. But I mourn anew with each first that rolls around that leaves me reeling hard into missing my son. How can I, or you, or anyone "put IT behind them"? We're talking about a life, a love of our life, a precious one we held dear, a part of our very being. You'll never be able to put her behind. But that doesn't mean you won't heal. We heal with our memories, with time, and with the compassion and understanding, the love and encouragement of others who "get it", who understand and help us to know we are not alone or crazy, or not normal. We aren't the average run of the mill full and happy family anymore. But we still are people with feelings and real heartache.

I wish I could say anger no longer flares in me. But it does. Guilt too sometimes. I think it's just a normal part of grief. there will always be "what-if's", I think. But I also believe there will come a time when those thoughts and feelings won't consume us like they once did. That is evidence of healing. Just because we take some steps backwards at times does not mean we are not healing. I can imagine, though, how difficult it is to have no one to talk to and share your grief with. There are many of us here on the BI site that for one reason or another have been unable to grieve openly. It has helped us tremendously to have each other to share thoughts, feelings, ideas and so on, just to know we aren't insane--that there is HOPE for us too.

Your grief as a grandmother sounds every bit as strong as mine as a mother. The majority of people I have come to know post regularly on the plain old Loss of an Adult Child thread. Because that thread is so supportive and regular in posts, even parents who have lost young children and babies frequent the thread. If you're up to meeting some of the greatest supportive people I know, perhaps you would like to come into that thread and give it a try...get to know some of the women there, and even a few men who are wonderful, that can offer you the support you need and crave. We don't have any cure-all-answers. But we sure have a huge melting pot of wisdom, tears and love to share.

Bless you for posting and reaching out. I hope you find some comfort here.

Love & prayers,

Claudia (4everjoeysmom)

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[user=38955]rlolheiser[/user] wrote:

I am new to this site, and I have read several posts.  My heart goes out to you all, as I know the pain I wish to God I didn't but I do know it.  I posted another place here earlier and tried to start with healing, I have tried to heal for 3 years and it just isn't taking place.  My granddaughter passed away in an auto accidents on October 30, 2006.  I find myself still in tears, still taking guilt, still being mad at God, still being mad at other people and I don't know what to do with all these emotions.  I have tried to put it away in my mind like others have been able to, I know there isn't a thing I can do about it, but I am haunted by this haunted by things that I don't know how to face.  I am a quiet person and whenever I try to talk to my family, I pretty much get shut down.  My husband doesn't think this is something to be talked about because we can't change anything.  What is done is done.  I bring it to my daughter but I can't tell her that there are times I hate her for the accident in the first place, I bring it to my other daughter and realize all I am doing is bringing her down, she had enough of her own problems and she has learned to cope.  I don't know I guess I am rambling, but somehow I hope to find some peace.  My heart is so broken, my spirt the same.  I used to be a church going person but I haven't been so in a long time.  I still love God when I am not mad at him, and deep down I think my baby is in a better place, until the doubts hit me, and I have so many questions... so much on my mind.  The last thing I told my granddaughter was don't worry everything will be ok, mom will get you home... I love you.   I guess I have that much, I told her I love her... but I lied to her about her safety...  I miss her so much, my soul hurts

Yes pls come to the Loss of an adult child.  We seem to have come together no matter what age or how our children have died.  The support is one of understanding.  It is non judgemental and best of all comes from experience.

Its almost 3yrs for me and while my grief and anger has softened as I was told it would, I still have all the same feelings you express in your post.

I lost my 31yr old son and have two other children who in turn have family of their own.  I have changed so much since Jan 07 they too have lost a brother and in away the mother they once knew.

Everyone works their grief in so many ways.  Your husband has one way and it does make it harder on you if you need to speak about losing your grandbaby.

I hope you find your way to us, failing that finding a counsellor that 'gets it' and working with them can many times place this ache, this fracturing of the soul in the place where we can breath again...

Take Care - Trudi

 

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