feeling like my mom's death is my fault

[samantha0412]

My mom passed away on the 14 of this month. I can not cope. I cry about everything. I feel like her death is my fault and i could have prevented it. She died of septic shock but she had all the signs days earlier. Instead of taking her to the hospital i listened to her and did not. Wed morning i went to her home and found her in a state of confusion so much pain. Could not walk or comprehend anything. She was lying on the bathroom floor begging me to help her and i could not lift her up alone. I called 911 and they rushed her to the hospital. She was in so much pain and had i known this was going to be the last time i would ever talk to her or see her conscious i would have never left the hospital. My dad was with her. She died the next morn after being on life support. I feel so alone and feel like she would still be here if i would have got her help sooner.

[silverkitties]

Samantha, my predicament was actually the opposite of yours: I keep wondering maybe if I didn't call the visiting nurse, my mom might not have ended up dying in the hospital two weeks later.

I guess my broader point is that you have no way of really knowing whether she would have died had you taken her earlier. After thinking about my mom, I realized that if I hadn't she probably would only have a few more weeks to live since her bile duct cancer was already very advanced. Or if I didn't call and she had a stroke, I would be beating myself up too.  

In fact, there are a lot of things I could have done differently--but the fact is, we never really know anything until it's too late. As they say, hindsight is always 20/20. For instance, I think that if I weren't so hung up on schools and credentials, I would have taken my mom to a different oncologist--a GI specialist rather than a hematologist.  But then I recall that my mom seemed so comfortable with him and said she liked him a great deal. And what if she'd seen a GI specialist and nothing changed? The fact is, we never know.

So please don't beat yourself up. You did well to send her to the hospital. And you had no idea she would pass so quickly. Certainly, when I left my mom on a Sunday evening, thinking how much she had improved and might return home the next day, she wound up having a stroke that night.

One of the things that has helped me was just posting here: it felt good to share my memories and to read other reactions. You are not alone.