6 weeks

[KMB]

I feel like I'm spinning out of control. Constant pain and heaviness in my heart. 6 weeks since my husband suddenly left our world for another. Friday, August 19.was his last full day here. He passed away during the night. His health conditions caught up with him. He was tired, tired of the battle due to his body betraying him. I was keeping up the fight for both of us. Keeping myself in denial. Willing to do whatever could be done medically to keep him with me and in the life we enjoyed. He didn't want any more medical help. No more surgeries, no more meds. He was losing quality of life. So heartbreaking for me to stay strong for him, encouraging him to keep going. But I could see him slipping away, slowly, day by day, especially since last year. I can barely function. I sucked it up and was strong enough to see to his end of life wishes. Still a few things I need to take care of, minor things, but I can't bring myself to do them yet. Have to take care of our pets. My misery is reflecting onto them and brings me more sadness. I feel that I'm going to explode with the pain of his loss. No more of our daily routine. No more seeing him, talking to him. No more bantering and joking. No more cooking meals, washing his clothes, watching tv together. This time of year, no more 4 wheel rides for grouse hunting. What's the point of me doing the usual chores when he's not here to see and acknowledge. I'm lost without him and our life together.

[Nobody1]

KMB, I'm so sorry for your loss. When my husband passed away suddenly 12 weeks ago, I was left with nothing but our 2 dogs who I love dearly. I could see that they were deeply affected by his absence as well as my misery. I made it a point to shower them with attention and extra treats. It has helped them adjust to a new routine which has in turn, helped me adjust to a new routine. I know it's not much but every little bit helps. 

[KMB]

Thank you. Every kind word of comfort I get does help. Every morning I find it hard to get up. Our dog needs to go out and I need to remind myself that I still have responsibilities and I can't let the dog down or my husband just because he is not physically here with us. My life is turned inside out. My husband and I were together for 25 years. Those years went by so fast upon reflection. Now time crawls. I struggle, break down, to get through the long day. I crave night time, so emotionally exhausted so I can sleep and try to block out reality. I believe in the afterlife. I believe my husband is in a beautiful place where he is no longer suffering. I believe he sees what I am going through without him and it makes feel feel even sadder because he always wanted the best for me. He admired my strength. We faced all of life's challenges together. Where the bleep is that strength now?

[Ellie]

KMB,

I'm terribly sorry for your loss and pain.  It's been 10 weeks for me since suddenly and tragically losing my darling Drew.  There was no warning at all, as it was a terrible freak accident, and I've dealt with the shock as well as the grief.

Drew also admired my strength.  He told people he was proud of how capable I am.  I'm struggling now to muster that strength, just as you are.  But, it occurs to me, we both found this forum after looking for tools to help ourselves get through this unimaginable pain, and that shows strength.  We both signed up for this forum and reached out for help = strength.  Every time we ask a friend for help, or call someone for comfort, or accept condolences, we show strength.  Getting out of bed in the morning to care for the animals takes strength.  Give yourself tremendous credit for managing for the past month, and focus only on the next minute, or hour, or task.  

I'm also finding comfort in seeing little signs of Drew around me, and believing his spirit is with me and is proud of me.

There are many empathetic people on this forum, and we're all dealing with very similar situations and pain.  Reading about others going through similar things, but seeing their stories from different timelines and stages, gives me hope and strength to move forward, in baby steps.

Ellie

[KayC]

KMB,

I am so sorry for your loss...we are all so familiar with the pain that comes with it.  We will be here for you as you go through your journey if you want us to be.  Six weeks is still pretty early, it's a long journey, but don't let that scare you, it evolves and it won't stay in this immense intensity forever.  We continue to miss them but learn to incorporate this into our lives, it takes much time and grief work.

Seeing a grief counselor, reading books, posting here, journaling, it all helps.

(((hugs)))

[KMB]

Thank you Ellie and KayC.  It brings comfort that I'm not the only one trying to cope with loss. I'm trying to believe in my faith. My husband is in God's care now, a different place away from me. I have to stay here and somehow get through until God calls me to join my husband. I don't know what is planned for the future of my life until then. Leave myself in God's hands to guide me. Talk to my husband and hopefully I'll hear his guidance also. Every moment is a struggle.

Have made some calls for grief support meetings. The one place that is the closest has once a month meeting at a hospice office. Right now, I'm wondering how once a month is supposed to be helpful. Maybe it will be a start at least.

[KayC]

It's good to get one on one counseling with a professional Grief Counselor.  Grief Support is different, you might try the once a month, but it's different...I'm surprised it's not once a week, a month can seem so far away.

It's common for our faith to feel shaken, if so, try not to worry about it, it will return.  And just remember, if God feels like a million miles away, He's really just right there, it is just how we sometimes FEEL in our grief.  This is hard.  You will get through this.

 

[KMB]

I hate mornings!!  I hate Sunday mornings!! My husband should be here, eating breakfast, watching the Sunday morning news. I would give anything to be making him french toast right now. This time of year, he would go out to the garage and get his wood stove going and listen to his morning polka show. Going to be a nice, warm, fall day. We would go for a Gator ride. I'm going out to the garage to cry---I can't handle this

[KMB]

This is so hard!! Trying to get through the days and nights is unbearable! Didn't sleep last night. Have an early morning dental cleaning today and I'm going to force myself to go, just to get it done with. The last time I was at the dentist, my husband was still here. This trying to be strong and moving forward is such bull crap right now!!

[Janice 252]

Hope you got through your dental appointment. People keep telling me I'm being brave . I'm not. I'm drowning in sadness and misery. I still think it was all a mistake but his ashes are with the undertakers so obviously not. I'm grieving for my husband for the life we had and the life I thought was ahead of us. I know we all are. It's just so painful. Nearly another day over. Hugs to you all

[KMB]

Thank you, Janice 252---I did make it through the dental cleaning. It's so hard sucking it up in public. So hard being nice and polite when you just want to cry.  I'm a mess on the inside. Where does the inner strength come from when you are in front of people like the dentist or grocery store? I wish I had that here when I'm alone at home. I have my husband's ashes here. We have a book case headboard and the box is sitting right behind my pillows. I know where he wanted me to spread them, it'll be a long time before I can do that. A long time friend of ours called earlier. He talked to me for over an hour. It helped some.My husband helped him get started in his trucking business years ago. He has a lot of happy memories.  I was going to go lay down for awhile since I'm tired from lack of sleep the night before, but another friend let me know they might stop over later.

I don't want this other long time friend seeing me as a basket case. It would upset him and he misses my husband also. This friend also has a heart condition and I feel it would drive me over the edge if my misery caused something to happen to him. We were all together on my husband's last full day, it was a good time. This friends advice is to just get up and *do*---only think about 1 second at a time and only think of the happy times.

[KayC]

I'm glad you have someone to talk to, that helps a lot.  I doubt it would cause him to have a heart attack even if he did see you upset.

It's amazing how little things like getting groceries or going to the dentist can be so hard when we've lost our loved one.  It won't always be that way, but in the interim, it's a tough adjustment.