Lost my soulmate

[Felpel91]

My boyfriend died December 15, 2015.  Boyfriend doesn't even begin to cover what he was, and still is, to me.  

From the moment we met, back in June 2012, I had that feeling that I was entering into something huge.  We were cut from the same cloth, and all my life I've never found anyone I could relate to like him.  We had the same weird sense of humor, the same values.  We would sit out on the porch until the early hours of the morning having cup upon cup of coffee, talking about things ranging from aliens, to the existence of god, to politics, to our favorite foods and songs.  It was like I knew I met the person I wanted to spend my life with. We joked that soulmates probably didn't exist, but if they did, we'd be each others'.  

He had an undying passion for music, and made me many mixes that I still cherish today.  Most of my favorite bands now are ones he introduced to me. He believed in equality for all people.  He never spoke ill of anyone. He was the kind of guy who everyone got along with. The most beautiful person I've ever known.

He changed me in the best possible way. He shaped who I am. Both of us suffering from depression and mental health issues, we were each others' rock.  We felt comfortable confiding in each other.  Just holding each other and cuddling was like a meditation and therapy I've never experienced before.  It was like everything in life was okay, as long as he was by my side.  We moved across the country together in July 2014, fulfilling both our dreams of living in a big city.  Being away from our families was so difficult, but having each other made it easier to get through.  

The time we spent there was what I'd think heaven will be like for me.  Not that we didn't have our problems, we definitely did.  His mental health made it difficult to work, and because I had more functionality with my depression, I was so confused why he couldn't hold a job. There was a lot of resentment there, because I didn't understand.  Regardless, I was so happy. We'd cook together, go on our weekly grocery trips, hell even going to the laundromat with him was enjoyable for me.  He would make me breakfast before work and pack my lunch every morning, giving me a hundred smooches before I walked out the door.  It was the quiet moments with him that no one else saw that gave me so much joy.  

After about a year, it came to the point where I could no longer support us off of just my income.  I had to change jobs due to my own mental issues, and just wasn't making enough.  He was working part time minimum wage.  We began fighting, hurtful things were said on both ends, past transgressions brought up.  Finally, he decided he wanted to take a break in July 2015.  

I was devastated. I began casually seeing someone else to try and cope with the breakup.  That in conjunction with his inability to contribute to expenses evenly caused him to move back home in August 2015. 

It was heartbreaking for both of us. He knew I wanted to be with him.  He wanted to be with me.  It was just not the right timing.  We agreed he would try to work on his mental health and then we would in the future pursue our relationship again.

For the next few months we spoke often. He visited me in September and stayed a month long. It was supposed to be a 2 week visit but when the day came to take the plane home, he just couldn't do it.  Finally, I couldn't continue to pay for things or have him at my place (I was sharing with roommates) so he had to go back home in October.  We tried to find ways for him to stay, jobs and places he could work, but to no avail.  So the day came I took the cab with him to the airport.  I sobbed and sobbed into his shoulder saying I want to move back home to be with him, I'll do anything to be with him.  He said not to worry.  "It's not like I'm dying," he said.  "I'll see you at Christmas, don't worry."  I kissed him and hugged him and watched him get in line to have his bags checked.  

One week before I was to come home for Christmas, he died.  His mom called me the morning it happened, screaming and crying into the phone.  I collapsed on the sidewalk, people shuffling by, giving me weird looks.  I immediately booked my flight home and flew home that night.

He had an accidental overdose.  I knew he had began using drugs occasionally, due to his depression.  He just started getting treatment for it.  But when he moved back home he got in with the wrong crowd. I spoke to him the night before it happened, he said he was gonna have a beer and listen to music and that he'd call me tomorrow.  Instead I got that call from his mom the following morning.

Since he passed I stayed at home, living with my mom.  I have our cat we shared together, she was like our child.  She was so devastated after he passed she almost died as well.  Lost half her body weight in a matter of weeks and had to be hospitalized.  Thankfully I was able to nurse her back to health.

I, however, am having trouble recovering.  I am seeing a therapist weekly, on a few meds, but still everyday I long for him.  I dream about him often.  It's like I still think he's coming back somehow, and that I'm just waiting patiently for that day.  I still have not accepted it.  I'm scared I never will.

What's worse is in his death I've realized now how he must have felt when he was so badly depressed and unable to work.  Now more than ever I feel like I could relate to him, and he could understand how I'm feeling.  It's like I need him more than ever now, and it's because he's gone.  How do you cope with losing the one person that helped you get through your problems?

I wanted to marry him, have kids together.  We picked out names.  We made plans to travel the country together, I had this whole vision of my future and it's gone up in smoke.  Now I just feel so alone.  I don't connect with anyone like I did with him.  I don't want a future that doesn't include him. I'm just totally lost, to the point where I'm considering inpatient care because I've become suicidal.  

Sorry this is so long, but I just wanted to get involved with a community of people who have lost their partners.  It's a different loss than that of family members or friends.  Everyone expects when you lose your boyfriend that you'll just meet someone else. But it doesn't work that way.  It's the only death where people expect you to replace the person.

 

[Ellie]

I'm terribly sorry for your loss, Felpel.  You'll find a lot of empathetic ears on this site.  We've all lost our partner, our beloved, our future, and the pain is devastating.  You are correct, it's a loss like no other.  Especially if you're living with your spouse or partner, every single little aspect of your daily life is affected, on top of the "usual" pain and suffering of grief and loss.  I lost my darling, sweet Drew very very suddenly and tragically just 10 weeks ago.  My heart is broken, my soul is empty, and my entire future with the love of my life, my soulmate, has been ripped away from me.  I haven't accepted it, either, although I'm slowly learning ways to live around the pain.

I wish I could offer you sound advice:  "Do this one thing, and you'll feel all better."  If you ever find out what that secret is, please share it with me, with all of us, so we can deal better with our pain and learn to move forward with our lives.  The only thing anybody can do, that would truly help, is to give us back our loved ones.  And nobody, unfortunately, can do that.

What we can do, is listen, and relate, and share.  And sometimes, for a short while, that helps a little bit.

Ellie

[Felpel91]

I am so sorry for your loss Ellie.  I just want to cry that we all have had to deal with this.  It makes it so that now I fear I could lose anyone, at anytime.  My doctors think I may have developed PTSD from it. It's just so difficult. It's like you never imagine something like that happening to you. I remember someone I knew had their boyfriend passed, and I thought to myself, god I would die if something happened to Ryan. and now here I am. It's absolutely terrifying that you never can predict what bad thing might happen next. :/

But I guess the point is to focus on what you still have? For me our cat we shared together has been A HUGE support.  She's like our daughter, and it's like I still have a little piece of him left. Do you have anything like that with Drew that you can hang onto still?  Music for me is also another way I feel close to Ryan still.

One issue I'm having is with dating.  I have been seeing someone new. He knows everything about Ryan and is extremely supportive and understanding, allows me to talk about him, doesn't push me into anything.  The only thing is I don't think I'll ever feel strongly enough for someone else to ever move past the casual relationship phase.  Like I don't even want to call another person my boyfriend again. I'm not sure how to navigate new relationships while still being in love with someone else?

 

[Ellie]

Hi Felpel, I have a dog and a cat, both of which were Drew's before I moved in with him, but with whom I bonded strongly and love dearly.  Drew used to call me, Max, and Tabby his "gang".  I'm taking very good care of them, and we nurture one another.  We all miss him terribly, but we're sticking together.

I can't advise you on the new relationship thing, at least not yet.  Since it's been not quite 10 weeks for me since losing Drew, I'm not at that stage.  I hope, though, that someday, I will be, and with Drew's blessing and support.  I would certainly want him to be happy and to find love and companionship again.

Perhaps reading this will help you:

http://blairrobertson.com/blog/the-myth-of-only-one-soul-mate/

[Jeff In Denver]

I am so sorry...  I feel bad for you and your cat.  I'm glad she is doing better.  It sounds like the guy you're seeing is good guy, but I know what you're saying. 

Don't let anyone tell you to move in.  If you feel better in casual relationships, what's wrong with that?

Please continue to write as much as you'd like here.  

[claribassist13]

12 hours ago, Felpel91 said:

I, however, am having trouble recovering.  I am seeing a therapist weekly, on a few meds, but still everyday I long for him.  I dream about him often.  It's like I still think he's coming back somehow, and that I'm just waiting patiently for that day.  I still have not accepted it.  I'm scared I never will.

What's worse is in his death I've realized now how he must have felt when he was so badly depressed and unable to work.  Now more than ever I feel like I could relate to him, and he could understand how I'm feeling.  It's like I need him more than ever now, and it's because he's gone.  How do you cope with losing the one person that helped you get through your problems?

I wanted to marry him, have kids together.  We picked out names.  We made plans to travel the country together, I had this whole vision of my future and it's gone up in smoke.  Now I just feel so alone.  I don't connect with anyone like I did with him.  I don't want a future that doesn't include him. I'm just totally lost, to the point where I'm considering inpatient care because I've become suicidal.  

Sorry this is so long, but I just wanted to get involved with a community of people who have lost their partners.  It's a different loss than that of family members or friends.  Everyone expects when you lose your boyfriend that you'll just meet someone else. But it doesn't work that way.  It's the only death where people expect you to replace the person.

3

Felpel, 

Never apologize for a long post. Forums like this were created for this reason. Say what is on your mind, always. 

I can relate to your story in several ways. My fiance died three days after Christmas, so you and I have both reached our 9-month marks. Isn't is crazy to think that we are closer to having lived a year without them then we are to having just lost them? It seems surreal to me in many ways.

It is typical to not feel like progress is being made within the first year. Really, until you've completed your year of 'firsts' you can't truly begin to heal. At a year it really sinks in (despite you having thought it a million times before) that your loved one is never coming back. Your brain has done a lot of processing of the event and at that point, your brain is in a position to start taking more steps forward. Grief is not an easy process, nor is it a short one. We all have to go through our own processing at our own pace. It may take longer for you. However, remember not to judge yourself based upon where you think you should be/where other people think you should be. There is nothing in life that can prepare you for the loss of your soulmate, so none of us can truly say where we are supposed to be at a given time.
Also take into consideration that you already have a history of depression which, chemically speaking (I'm a chemistry major, that's why I add stuff like this in), is an imbalance of hormones/chemicals in the brain. A traumatic loss like this only further imbalances those chemicals.
Make sure that you are speaking to your doctor regularly. If you feel that a medication is not working for you, then say something (granted, you'll need to be on any sort of anti-depressant for at least a month before you really begin to see effects). If you are feeling suicidal, remember that those kinds of thought are somewhat natural in situations like ours. However, this also means that any potential medications you are taking for depression are not doing an effective job. A talk with your doctor cannot hurt. However, make sure you are caring for yourself. If in-patient care is the best option for you right now, then you should do what you can to help yourself get better.  

Are you seeing a therapist or a grief counselor? Believe it or not, there is actually a distinct difference. Grief counselors are specifically trained to help you process your grief with coping mechanisms and tools to ensure that you are grieving in a healthy manner.

Whether you believe it or not, there is some part of you that has already accepted that Ryan is not coming back. That doesn't stop us from hoping. I am also 9 months in, and I still frequently daydream about all of this being a horrible case of mistaken identity. Sometimes I dream that he was recruited by the CIA, or something stupid like that. It's not realistic in any way, shape, or form, but it is a completely natural thing to do.

I can relate to people's comments about meeting someone else. At the time he died (if we want to be really technical), he was my boyfriend. My engagement ring arrived in the mail about 3-4 weeks later. Despite the addition of a ring, I cannot tell your how many times I have heard people say that "You're so young, you'll meet someone else" or "there are other fish in the sea" or "it will just take time", etc. It's been interesting for me to watch how differently I was treated from the rest of the family. No one tells the parents or the siblings that "you can get another son/brother", yet they feel it's okay to tell me that I'll find someone else to love again. It's as if they are completely brushing aside the fact that I loved this person.
Like you and Ryan, my fiance and I wanted to get married and have kids. We wanted a boy and a girl and we planned on naming them Sebastian Gatsby and Belle Marie. We planned to move back to his hometown after he completed medical school. We had the rest of our lives planned, and we knew it was going to be a great life.
You always hear from other couples that there was just some point in which they knew the other was "the one". You and I both know what that felt like. We both found "the one", and how to you go forward from that? It gets into questions that are far too complicated for either of us to handle right now. We can't replace the love of our life like we would a family pet. A lot of people don't seem to get that, though. It would appear (in a lot of society) that any intimate relationship less than marriage is just easily replaceable. It just shows how ignorant they are, and God bless them for it. No one wants to be where we are.    

Long story short, make sure you are taking care of yourself. It seems pointless, but you cannot being to heal mentally/emotionally unless you are well enough physically. 
Please make sure you are talking to someone or posting on here. It really will help in the long run. 
 

[Felpel91]

gosh thank you so much for all your support and kind words. I am seeing a therapist I don't know if she is specifically trained in grief counseling or not.  I keep thinking about how in a few days it will be one year since I hugged him, kissed him, saw him in person.  It hurts. I too often think he's just away somewhere, or I will have dreams where he suddenly comes back and I wake up bawling.  Sometimes I have trouble differentiating between dreams and reality, which my doctors think is related to PTSD from this.  Idk, it's all so hard to deal with. But it feels good to have people to talk to that really understand. <3

[KayC]

Felpel91, 
I've already addressed you in another thread, before seeing this one, but I want to convey my sorrow at your loss.  All of us here understand, and you'll find a listening ear here whenever you need it.

You've had some good responses here already, so I won't repeat them, but I hope you take to heart all that's been conveyed here.

(((hugs)))

[claribassist13]

Felpel91, 

I can't attest to this yet, but I would imagine it's all dependent upon time. 
As long as you are working to care for yourself, everything will eventually fall into place. Don't worry about the things you can't deal with yet. It's just one step at at time.