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Sweetest Thing


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I met my compliment in life my first day of college. Jeff was my "blonde Tom Cruise" with beautiful blue eyes and the sweetest smile. It took him several weeks to convince me we should go out. Once we did, that's all it took. We were together even when we weren't. I loved him and he loved me. We talked about everything and nothing, but it somehow had a point. He made me laugh and could argue with me in the same breath. He complimented me and I him. There were times we weren't together romantically, but we were in each other's hearts. 

When he passed away in a car accident, a part of me left with him. It's been 12 years and I still can't talk about him without getting upset. Jeff would be so upset with me for not letting someone in, so I have tried. I know no one will be to me what he is and was. I know he would want me to live a little for him each day through who I am. 

Whwn my cousin and best friend passed away, he was there for me. He encouraged me to move on and not dwell on what I lost but thankful for what I had. I'm trying and have been trying to do that for 12 years. Still, I'm not there. I miss my friend. I miss my Jeff. It's not anger that I have or a cold heart, it's loneliness and fear. The thought of being that close to another person and feeling loss is a lot to accept. 

I'm thankful for Jeff and blessed he was in my life. How do I move from the loneliness? He's everywhere. He's always with me, there are constant reminders of him in every part of my life. I smile each time I remember him. He's a large reason I am who I am. He accepted me for who I am and loved me with all my flaws. I love who I am because he was in my life. 

I know I have to keep loving and living for me, not just because he would want me to, but because I'm here and he's not. How? How do I do it? 

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I think you and I both know that you are the only person with the answer to that question.
I often find myself thinking of the same things. How am I supposed to move forward without him? Am I ever supposed to be with someone else, or was he the only one?

As hard as these questions are, we can only answer them for ourselves. 
In the meantime, try to take some of that advice that Jeff gave you. He seems to be a person that was full of life and really pushed living in the moment. What would he say to you right now? I am sure that he would want you to live every day to its fullest, if not for you than for him. 

I am so sorry that I cannot be of more help. However, I think talking about it will help you come to your own realizations. 

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It's been 12 years...have you seen a grief counselor?  That might be a place to start.

In our lifetime we meet our soul mate if we are fortunate...being the person that complements us, however, does not mean we are not still a whole person in our own right, although we FEEL like we're missing our "other half" when they die...at least I did.  BUT I've learned to do life "without" in the years since my husband's death.  It's not the same, that is for sure, I miss him each and every day, but I've learned to get by on my own, and to live in the present moment and fully appreciate what is rather than focusing so much on what no longer is.  That has brought about the ability to appreciate, a spirit of gratefulness, and turned my heart more optimistic.  I don't know if this makes sense to anyone else or not, I just know it's been a life changer for me.

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