This makes My Heart Sink

[Jeff In Denver]

I have downloaded the free Blair Robertson book "Afterlife."

This quote really gets to me:  "Know this:  Your loved ones are okay.  They are around and watching you.  But they also want you to become independent and move forward and live the remained of your life fully."

Well, I am glad they are okay, but I don't like the last sentence.  I can't put it into words.  It's kind of like the whole moving on thing.  If this is true - and I hope it's just a general statement - it would really hurt.  It's almost like they are saying:  "Hey, I'm dead and feeling good.  I know your life has been shattered, you feel crushed, and you're completely lost.  But, even though we were meant to be together and you love me with all your heart and want to be with me more than ever,  you run along, have fun, get married, and live your life.  Forget about me. Maybe I'll send you a sign someday."

It all comes back to the dilemma - I don't want to live the rest or my life alone, but I also don't want to let anything get between me and the love of my life.

I am just grasping at straws, and I am desperate, but I would like this one a lot more:

"Know this:  Your loved ones are okay.  They are around and watching you.  But friends and family members also want you to become independent and move forward and live the remained of your life fully.  However your partner knows of the pain you're in, and they miss you just as much.  They want you to be as happy as possible (temporarily) until the two of you are together forever."   Or something like that.

 

 

 

 

 

[Ellie]

Jeff....this doesn't mean right now; this means, eventually, you will slowly learn how to piece your life together again.  It also doesn't mean you'll "get over" the pain; you'll just adjust to living with it.  You'll never ever forget Mila or stop loving her.  But you will, we all will, eventually, and at our own pace, move forward.

But, it won't be today.  Or tomorrow.  Just someday, and in little, tiny, baby steps.

[Ellie]

And....really important, NOBODY is saying "forget about" our precious loved ones.  Especially them.

I was talking to Drew a few days ago, not sure if it was out loud or in my head, and asked him what I should do...should I mourn and grieve and cry and miss him, or should I work really hard to pull myself and my life together and figure out a way to propel myself forward and try to build myself a future.  His voice popped into my head, and said, "Do both together."  It was brilliant, and wise.  Of course, I can take care of myself, and manage my life, and I can take him along with me as I do it, loving him, missing him, cherishing our memories, talking to him, but moving forward at the same time.  There's no reason to choose one path or the other.  So, run along, and have fun (to use your words), but take Mila, and your love for her, along with you.  :-)

[claribassist13]

Jeff, 

I can relate to how you feel. However, I interpret the original quote in a different way. 

I know that my fiance can see what I have gone through since his death. I also know that he loves me too much to ever want me to stay this way.
I always told him that if I ever died I wanted him to find love again. I wanted him to continue on with his dreams of becoming a doctor. I wanted him to help people. I wanted him to do all that things that I wouldn't be able to; in other words, to live for me. 

I know that if my fiance was here he would tell me the same thing. He now has a different perspective (I believe in God and heaven, I'm not sure how you feel about it), and I believe that he can see what I can/will become. He would want me to continue with my education and to live my life fully. I know that he wishes he were still with me. 
In some way, I feel that I have a duty to progress forward. I have to experience all the things he will never be able to so I can tell him about it. 

I have no idea if I'll ever decide to love/marry, but I can do a whole host of other things. 

So, I choose to see the original quote as our loved ones want to us continue living for them. There is really no point to life if we decide to remain dead inside, not when we can experience for them. 

That's the way I choose to think about it. However, reading those words also puts a pit in my stomach. I have to refuse to believe it. 

[Jeff In Denver]

I see what you both mean, and I appreciate it.  I have to read your thoughts a few more times.

I wish our loved ones can say something like:  "Do whatever you have to on Earth to make yourself happy.  But, if you want, give me the word, and we will be "locked in" later on.  That means that, no matter what happens, you and I will be together on the other side forever.  If you're married to someone else, they will be okay with it when you cross over.  If you change your mind, just tell me, but if you want this, we can make it happen.

Silly, I know.

 

[claribassist13]

It's not silly at all, Jeff.

These are the people we committed our lives to, and it's difficult to not feel guilty at the prospect of maybe having a shred of what we had with them with someone else. The situation is not ideal for any of us, here or not. I know we sure as hell would like to be with them, and I know they want to be with us. However, we can't be together in the capacity we wish for, and we all (likely) have many years ahead of us. As a species, humans are social. We need interaction with other people to live healthy and fulfilling lives. 

Either way, I wouldn't worry about all of that right now. You still months of firsts to go through before you reach your year mark. I'm not sure what the statistic is for men, but I know that women (on average) take at least 5 years to begin dating/being open to dating after a tragic loss. 
What I am trying to say is don't focus on what you can't answer right now. Focus on getting up every day, focus on going to work. Make it to the days where you don't cry every day. Live through holidays, birthdays, and anniversaries. As time passes (as much as we wish it wouldn't) I think it will become clear to you as to what you need. When you know what you need, then you can start talking to Mila about it. 

[KayC]

I understand your gut reaction to this statement, I also think you've gotten some good responses here.  The author cannot address you more specifically so they addressed everyone more generally.  It is an oversimplification of a very long difficult process...but true nonetheless. 

[Felpel91]

On 9/26/2016 at 5:02 PM, Ellie said:

And....really important, NOBODY is saying "forget about" our precious loved ones.  Especially them.

I was talking to Drew a few days ago, not sure if it was out loud or in my head, and asked him what I should do...should I mourn and grieve and cry and miss him, or should I work really hard to pull myself and my life together and figure out a way to propel myself forward and try to build myself a future.  His voice popped into my head, and said, "Do both together."  It was brilliant, and wise.  Of course, I can take care of myself, and manage my life, and I can take him along with me as I do it, loving him, missing him, cherishing our memories, talking to him, but moving forward at the same time.  There's no reason to choose one path or the other.  So, run along, and have fun (to use your words), but take Mila, and your love for her, along with you.  :-)

Wow what an amazing way to look at it Ellie.

[KayC]

I like that too.

I feel like I've missed portions this week...I'm having internet problems and I live in a rural area and Microsoft keeps trying to update unsuccessfully and it's gobbled up my meager data allowance, so now I'm on internet restriction for the next two weeks and still no closer to solving the problem.  I've spent countless hours on the phone with the internet provider and Microsoft, been to forums, done "fixes" that obviously didn't help.  I finally got the updates turned off, although everyone said it wasn't possible, but that's a bandaid not a solution.  

Consequently, I come on line first thing in the morning and that's it.  Ugh!