Five months

[green7]

I haven't been here in a while. But tonight I need to feel understood. I need to know I'm not alone. Tomorrow will be five months without my love and I feel like I haven't made any progress. It doesn't get easier and time doesn't help. This is going to be a rough week, tomorrow will be the five months mark and Sunday will be his birthday, his first birthday without him and I feel like I'm loosing it. I just want to give up. I feel so sad and desperate, I want to scream and cry and just sleep through it. I can't find the strength to keep going. It's been five months without seeing him, without hearing his voice, without seeing his beautiful smile and I don't know what's the point of being in a world where he doesn't exist. I've tried to continue with my life, I went back to school and the first day of school I kept looking at my phone expecting to have a message from him wishing me good look or asking me how the first day was. Last month I went to the beach trying to find some peace and somehow I did. But I couldn't help but think how much I wanted him to be there with me. I saw a couple playing with their kid and I almost cried. Life is so unfair my happiness, the future  and the family that I wanted to have with him was taken before it even began. People keep telling me that im young and I will find happiness again but the thing is that I don't want that with anyone else. I simply don't see myself with anybody else. I still love and miss him so much.  I've done the stupidest things because I feel so desperate and afraid. Two months ago I  almost od on sleeping pills it's not something I feel proud about, but I miss him so much that I thought it was the only way to see him again. i don't think I'm in a better place now but I know that I need to talk to someone about how I feel. And unfortunately my friends and family don't really understand how I feel. How consuming this pain is. I always thought I was mature and strong but losing the love of my life changed the person I was. Will it get better someday? I don't know, I don't think so. 

[Karin]

I understand...... It's been 2 months for me today. Two months without my love and I feel the same way you do. My family and friends also doesn't completely understand how I feel. And like you the future we were dreaming, hoping and planning for was also taken before we had a chance to start living it. A family, babies, a house, a life filled with love and happiness was all taken from me the instant he died. And like you people are telling me I'm young and will be happy again and I'll have all the things we planned for, but that is the thing me and him planned and dreamt of this together and I don't anyone else I want him and our future. I think about going to him every single day, every time I get in the car I think it would be so easy just to drive into a tree or of the road, one step and it would be over. The things that stop me is our puppy he doesn't deserve to lose both of us and him my love he wouldn't want me to do it he would want me to be happy....but I'm not happy I miss him more and more and the pain is unbearable most of the time. I hope it will get better but I also think it won't. 

Sorry don't think this was very helpful, I just want to tell you, you are not alone and I do understand.....

[KayC]

Losing the person you loved most in the world is traumatic, and not easily gotten through.  But I am testament that it can be survived.  It takes more time and effort than you probably care to know.  You're at five months, I've been told that this six month or thereabouts mark is the hardest in the journey because it's when reality sets in.  So in other words, it doesn't get much worse than this.  I look at that as something hopeful...you are surviving today, you will survive tomorrow too.  The shock at the beginning was something I'd never want to go through again.  When I made it through a year of "firsts without" I felt I should get some sort of a medal or something.  But instead I got more of the same.  But I knew if I could survive the first year I would the second.  I try not to think about "the rest of my life", it's too much to take on.  One day at a time.  At least after the first few months we no longer expect when the phone rings it's going to be them, thus hitting us all over again.

I'm sorry my internet was down last night and I wasn't here for you.  Here you are not alone, you have plenty of company.  Not everyone will post, sometimes we just don't know what to say, but for every person that reads here, they understand.

[claribassist13]

green7, 

You are so not alone. 

My fiance's birthday fell in the 4th month after his death. His birthday also happened to be our anniversary, so that day was a double whammy. 
It's been almost 9 months for me now, and there are days that I still feel like giving up. I cry and scream regularly, 

I can relate to the school thing as well. I started back to school 3 weeks after his death and ended up withdrawing for the semester. I came back to school this semester, to the same university and we both attended, and I still wake up every day hoping to see a text from him. I walk around campus hoping to see him in all of our usual places. He is never there, and that is a hard thing to deal with. 

Admitting that you almost overdosed in nothing to be ashamed about either. I attended my first wedding 6 months after his death and I nearly overdosed on my anti-depressant medication the next morning. What we are going through is excruciating, and there is nothing in this world that can dull the pain. That makes the pain difficult to deal with. When we are constantly being beaten down, we can only hold on for so long before we feel that we have to do something, anything, to stop it. 
What matters is that you are still here. You didn't overdose, and that is a blessing in itself. I am sure that you are well aware that your boyfriend would not have wanted to see you in that manner. 

To all that people that tell you that you are young and will find happiness again, tell them to **** off. 
Unfortunately, time does pass. Could we find happiness again with someone else? Maybe. Do we have to find happiness with someone else? Absolutely not. It is perfectly okay to never want to love again, and it's okay if that changes with time as well. 
Psychologically, most women who have experienced the tragic loss of a partner don't even begin to consider dating again until almost 5 years after the event. This isn't the norm for everyone, but it does mean that you have plenty of time to work on you. 
This question is a daunting one, but it is one that we simply cannot think about right now. We have other things to worry about, like how to get out of bed tomorrow. 

Don't think about the future. The future is coming, whether we like it or not. Instead, focus on going through tomorrow. After that, focus on going through Saturday, and then Sunday. You can only take it one day at a time, sometimes just one second at a time. Allow yourself to feel what you feel and to be okay with that. You are not going to make progress as quickly as you would like. There are still so many firsts for you to experience. Allow yourself the time to begin healing. 

[StevenKelly]

Hello, It's been 1 month and 3 day's since the love of my life passed away suddenly with no warning. What you wrote is exactly what I was afraid of, Everyday just seems to get worse without her. I guess though that I'm moving in the right direction I don't know, I can't even think straight but I went to my first support group last night so I guess that's what I should be doing even though I don't want to be on this earth without her either. I was told by my late wife's close friend that lost her sister and son that no one will know how I feel about losing her and she was right, people all go on with there life and I'm stuck in a 24 hour panic attack.

I guess what I'm saying is seek out a support group or grief counselor although this is advise from someone that currently doesn't know up from down it's just that out of desperation that's what I did. 

So sorry for your loss, I know exactly what you are going through............I just want to be with her and that's all I can think about.

[Millie681]

Green 7,

You are not alone. I am at 6 months & I am going through the same thing as you. What is the point? I can honestly say I don't know. But what I do know is we can only take one day at a time. For them! We get up & try for them. I know exactly what you are going through. Please know that you aren't alone. Not here. We all understand.

 

I wish you peace

[green7]

Hello everybody,

I finally have time to reply. I have been really busy with school, which I think is a good thing. Last week was though, the five months mark, then Ricky's birthday last Sunday. His mom, friends and I had a balloon release and a cake to "celebrate" his birthday. It was nice to see his friends getting together to honor his memory and to celebrate his life. I am so glad I did not have to spend that day alone. I guess I can say I survived his first birthday without him. I feel like a zombie, like a living dead I know it sounds exaggerated but I feel like Im here, waking up every morning, going to work, to school, sometimes going out with friends just because I have to do it, because I am "alive" I don't know if it makes any sense, honestly I don't understand myself either. Anyway, I wanted to share a couple pics from Sunday and a quote from a book that I read a couple weeks after I lost my boyfriend. I do think this is something he would say:  " you are going to feel uncomfortable in your new world for a bit. But I hope you feel a bit exhilarated too. Live body. Push yourself. Don not settle. Just live well. Just live"   

On September 15, 2016 at 5:33 AM, Karin said:

And like you the future we were dreaming, hoping and planning for was also taken before we had a chance to start living it. A family, babies, a house, a life filled with love and happiness was all taken from me the instant he died. And like you people are telling me I'm young and will be happy again and I'll have all the things we planned for, but that is the thing me and him planned and dreamt of this together and I don't anyone else I want him and our future. I think about going to him every single day, every time I get in the car I think it would be so easy just to drive into a tree or of the road, one step and it would be over

 

On September 15, 2016 at 5:33 AM, Karin said:

Sorry don't think this was very helpful, I just want to tell you, you are not alone and I do understand....

Karin,  yes, our happiness and dreams were taken from us before we even started living them. It is frustrating and painful, and like i sad in my last post I have thought about ending it, I want to be with him, what stops me is that I don't want to hurt my family and the people who love me by making the wrong choice. instead i have to be strong and live because of him and because that is what he would want. And it is so hard, not wanting to live knowing that i have to. 

And your post was helpful, I know I'm not the only one who feels this way.

On September 15, 2016 at 7:49 AM, KayC said:

try not to think about "the rest of my life", it's too much to take on.  One day at a time.  At least after the first few months we no longer expect when the phone rings it's going to be them, thus hitting us all over again.

 

KayC,

you are so right, thinking about the future makes me so anxious and its scary, one day a time, that is what I repeat to myself everyday, i will just go through this day. That you so much for your kind words. 

On September 15, 2016 at 5:57 PM, claribassist13 said:

Admitting that you almost overdosed in nothing to be ashamed about either. I attended my first wedding 6 months after his death and I nearly overdosed on my anti-depressant medication the next morning. What we are going through is excruciating, and there is nothing in this world that can dull the pain. That makes the pain difficult to deal with. When we are constantly being beaten down, we can only hold on for so long before we feel that we have to do something, anything, to stop it. 
What matters is that you are still here. You didn't overdose, and that is a blessing in itself. I am sure that you are well aware that your boyfriend would not have wanted to see you in that manner. 

Clari,

you always have the right words to make me feel better, I wish I could do the same for you. I think that I reached my braking point when I almost overdosed, I ended up at a psych guard and spend the night there, that was a pretty bad experience plus all the troubles i got myself into. But I guess I got something "good" from that, I got the help that I refused to accept in the past months, when I thought I could handle my situation by myself. And I was wrong I was making pretty bad decisions that lead me to try to overdose.  I am not in a good place yet, but i admitted that i need help and when Im feeling really sad and desperate I reach out for help before I do something I could regret later. And you are right some times the pain is so overwhelming that we feel the need to stop it. I know my boyfriend would not have wanted to see me like this, and for him I am going to be strong, as hard as it is i have to keep going for him. like you said one day at a time. 

Steven, you have been into this only for one month, you still have a lot to go through, but hang in there, I am not the best person to give advice but as much as we want to be with our loved ones, they would want us to be strong. I am glad to hear you found a support group, it is very important that you get help, talk to someone. And yes no one will ever know how we feel about losing the person we loved, it seems like the world keeps going on and we are stocked in a continuous nightmare. Slowly it will get better, you will have bad days but you will also have good days. 

Millie, thank you! I know I am not alone, and i can always find support here. I am trying and taking it one day at a time, and when it does not work one minute at a time. thats all we can do right? the best way to honor my boyfriend's memory is by being strong. I wish you peace as well! 

 

 

[claribassist13]

green7, 

Never feel obligated to try and "find the right words". The harder you try, the more you fail at it. As long as you say what is in your heart, someone will always be able to take away whatever they need from what you've said. 

As far as your "living zombie" comment. it's completely true. Every single person here knows that death isn't limited to those whose hearts have stopped beating. Just because you are physically alive does not mean that you are living. Some of us die on the inside. 

I am so pleased to see your pictures! My fiance's family chose to do that same thing for his birthday, and it was truly a touching day. I've attached a couple of photos from our event below.

Keep taking things one day at a time. Allow yourself to feel when emotions hit, and try not to stress about school. I ended up taking the spring semester off and have just started back this fall. If anything, having a bad semester will not kill you. Many schools have appeal processes in place for situations like ours, and if this semester ends up being a total loss, then there are usually ways to make that particular semester disappear.
School will always be there, no matter what you do. Therefore, make sure that you are your first priority.   

[Millie681]

17 hours ago, green7 said:

Hello everybody,

I finally have time to reply. I have been really busy with school, which I think is a good thing. Last week was though, the five months mark, then Ricky's birthday last Sunday. His mom, friends and I had a balloon release and a cake to "celebrate" his birthday. It was nice to see his friends getting together to honor his memory and to celebrate his life. I am so glad I did not have to spend that day alone. I guess I can say I survived his first birthday without him. I feel like a zombie, like a living dead I know it sounds exaggerated but I feel like Im here, waking up every morning, going to work, to school, sometimes going out with friends just because I have to do it, because I am "alive" I don't know if it makes any sense, honestly I don't understand myself either. Anyway, I wanted to share a couple pics from Sunday and a quote from a book that I read a couple weeks after I lost my boyfriend. I do think this is something he would say:  " you are going to feel uncomfortable in your new world for a bit. But I hope you feel a bit exhilarated too. Live body. Push yourself. Don not settle. Just live well. Just live"   

 

Karin,  yes, our happiness and dreams were taken from us before we even started living them. It is frustrating and painful, and like i sad in my last post I have thought about ending it, I want to be with him, what stops me is that I don't want to hurt my family and the people who love me by making the wrong choice. instead i have to be strong and live because of him and because that is what he would want. And it is so hard, not wanting to live knowing that i have to. 

And your post was helpful, I know I'm not the only one who feels this way.

KayC,

you are so right, thinking about the future makes me so anxious and its scary, one day a time, that is what I repeat to myself everyday, i will just go through this day. That you so much for your kind words. 

Clari,

you always have the right words to make me feel better, I wish I could do the same for you. I think that I reached my braking point when I almost overdosed, I ended up at a psych guard and spend the night there, that was a pretty bad experience plus all the troubles i got myself into. But I guess I got something "good" from that, I got the help that I refused to accept in the past months, when I thought I could handle my situation by myself. And I was wrong I was making pretty bad decisions that lead me to try to overdose.  I am not in a good place yet, but i admitted that i need help and when Im feeling really sad and desperate I reach out for help before I do something I could regret later. And you are right some times the pain is so overwhelming that we feel the need to stop it. I know my boyfriend would not have wanted to see me like this, and for him I am going to be strong, as hard as it is i have to keep going for him. like you said one day at a time. 

Steven, you have been into this only for one month, you still have a lot to go through, but hang in there, I am not the best person to give advice but as much as we want to be with our loved ones, they would want us to be strong. I am glad to hear you found a support group, it is very important that you get help, talk to someone. And yes no one will ever know how we feel about losing the person we loved, it seems like the world keeps going on and we are stocked in a continuous nightmare. Slowly it will get better, you will have bad days but you will also have good days. 

Millie, thank you! I know I am not alone, and i can always find support here. I am trying and taking it one day at a time, and when it does not work one minute at a time. thats all we can do right? the best way to honor my boyfriend's memory is by being strong. I wish you peace as well! 

 

 

Green 7,

Your comments about feeling like a zombie is exactly what I just said to my therapist. you aren't exaggerating at all.  Just when I feel like I am feeling something that feels different I come here & find love & people who feel the same as I do. Thank you for sharing. I am so happy that you were surrounded by his family & friends. This balloon release is so special. Thank you for sharing.

[Millie681]

13 hours ago, claribassist13 said:

green7, 

Never feel obligated to try and "find the right words". The harder you try, the more you fail at it. As long as you say what is in your heart, someone will always be able to take away whatever they need from what you've said. 

As far as your "living zombie" comment. it's completely true. Every single person here knows that death isn't limited to those whose hearts have stopped beating. Just because you are physically alive does not mean that you are living. Some of us die on the inside. 

I am so pleased to see your pictures! My fiance's family chose to do that same thing for his birthday, and it was truly a touching day. I've attached a couple of photos from our event below.

Keep taking things one day at a time. Allow yourself to feel when emotions hit, and try not to stress about school. I ended up taking the spring semester off and have just started back this fall. If anything, having a bad semester will not kill you. Many schools have appeal processes in place for situations like ours, and if this semester ends up being a total loss, then there are usually ways to make that particular semester disappear.
School will always be there, no matter what you do. Therefore, make sure that you are your first priority.   

Claribassist13,

Thank you for sharing these pictures. This is so beautiful.

 

[claribassist13]

3 hours ago, Millie681 said:

Claribassist13,

Thank you for sharing these pictures. This is so beautiful.

 

Thank you! 

It would have been his 20th Birthday and our 3rd Anniversary. It was a good way to honor all that he was. 

[KayC]

I love the pictures, the balloons are awesome!

[green7]

Claribassist13,

thank you for sharing your pictures they're beautiful! Was blue his favorite color? Well for me, doing something special on my boyfriend's birthday was comforting, it also was my way to honor and keep his memory alive. Having his family and friends together, seeing how much he was loved and how he brightened up everybody's life was amazing. I've always known how special he was, how special he is even though he is not physically here. I think you feel the same way. 

Millie681, 

It was a good day. I could've spent in my room crying all day, but instead his mom and I decided to have a ballon release. I was surrounded by great people, love and support. And like you I come here when I need to find support and encouraging words, when I need to talk to people that can understand how I feel without telling me it's time for me to get over it and get better. I hope you're doing well Millie. 

[claribassist13]

4 hours ago, green7 said:

Claribassist13,

thank you for sharing your pictures they're beautiful! Was blue his favorite color? Well for me, doing something special on my boyfriend's birthday was comforting, it also was my way to honor and keep his memory alive. Having his family and friends together, seeing how much he was loved and how he brightened up everybody's life was amazing. I've always known how special he was, how special he is even though he is not physically here. I think you feel the same way. 

 

green7,

Blue was his favorite color, and it's mine as well. It's the color of his eyes as well. He had the most stunning eyes I've ever seen... Crystal clear and vibrant blue. They'd change with the weather or his mood...

I do feel the same way. His birthday event is the only other large event we've done besides his memorial service. It was nice to be in a place where I could clearly remember everything that happened. Lots of family friends were able to come, so it was much more like a birthday party in that respect. 

I'm glad that his birthday has ended up a positive memory, in some ways. It's eye-opening to see all of the influence a person can have. It just validates the how incredible they were, something that we have known all along. 

[green7]

6 hours ago, claribassist13 said:

green7,

Blue was his favorite color, and it's mine as well. It's the color of his eyes as well. He had the most stunning eyes I've ever seen... Crystal clear and vibrant blue. They'd change with the weather or his mood...

I do feel the same way. His birthday event is the only other large event we've done besides his memorial service. It was nice to be in a place where I could clearly remember everything that happened. Lots of family friends were able to come, so it was much more like a birthday party in that respect. 

I'm glad that his birthday has ended up a positive memory, in some ways. It's eye-opening to see all of the influence a person can have. It just validates the how incredible they were, something that we have known all along. 

Claribassist13, 

I love how you describe your fiancé's  eyes! You two make such a cute couple! And by looking at your picture I can tell he was a handsome young man and you're so pretty as well. I also think that my boyfriend had the most beautiful hazel eyes and they changed to blue depending on what he was wearing or his mood as well. To me he was and still is the most handsome man in the world. Oh god! How much I miss seeing his beautiful eyes and his smile. 

[claribassist13]

3 hours ago, green7 said:

Claribassist13, 

I love how you describe your fiancé's  eyes! You two make such a cute couple! And by looking at your picture I can tell he was a handsome young man and you're so pretty as well. I also think that my boyfriend had the most beautiful hazel eyes and they changed to blue depending on what he was wearing or his mood as well. To me he was and still is the most handsome man in the world. Oh god! How much I miss seeing his beautiful eyes and his smile. 

 

Isn't it funny how a specific set of eyes will always be considered the most beautiful to us? 
His brother has similar eyes, and they are a stark reminder of all that has been lost to everyone else in my fiance's life. 

Thank you! He was absolutely adorable. He was the kid who was convinced that no one ever noticed him, and yet I cannot tell you how often I heard the whispers from other people. He was a catch, and I knew it from the moment I met him. He was completely stunning and what's more, he made the people around him beautiful as well. I never saw myself as beautiful, pretty, or whatever other word qualifies as "physically attractive", but it was impossible not to feel like the most beautiful woman in the world around him. It was one of his many talents.

You two are completely adorable as well! You two just look like you belong together.
There are a million things to miss, and I find significance in the fact that eyes and smiles hold such value to people. It makes me believe that, deep down, we all truly know what's most important in life.  

[KayC]

10 hours ago, claribassist13 said:

Isn't it funny how a specific set of eyes will always be considered the most beautiful to us? 

My George's eyes were the most beautiful color of blue, sometimes aqua, I could look into them forever.  Missing him...