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peppajane

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My name is Peppa, my partner and i have been together for seven years. We decided to try for a child last year. It did not take long before we became pregnant. At 8 weeks i had some bleeding, the hospital said that it was fine and not to worry. I have to say i didn't enjoy being pregnant, but if i could return to that time now i would do anything.

The thing is i was working hard and about to go on well-needed annual leave. I spent saturday shopping with my mum, Then returned home. That night i started bleeding. I was 23 weeks 3 days pregnant. The hospital said that i should go in and have a scan. My baby was fine, but my cervix had started to contract. They put me on a bed so my legs were higher than my head. On sunday i went into full labour. They gave me medication and pain killer drugs which knocked me out. My son stayed inside me until tuesday night. I went back into labour, during the night he fell out of my cervix and laid inside me till morning when the doctors could not see him on the scan. They said he had fallen into my vagina and would have died inside me. Both Simon and i were terrified. I had to give birth and wanted to get it over with ASAP. He came out knee first head last. He was alive. My waters never broke, he wasn't laid on his cord, everything was against him. But he lived. He was born at 24 weeks, so by law thay had to help him. They took him away and he was put on a ventalator. They had been telling us that if he was born before 24 weeks they would have to see if he lived for 20 minutes. Thankfully he waited. Born on the 26 may 2004, my darling little baby boy, named Ellis Ashworth Leverton Greenwood. He only came off the ventalator for 18 wonderful hours. He got infection after infection,his kidneys stopped working and started again, he had 2 major operations, and more importantly he lived for 31 days. He died on the 26 june 2004.

I miss him so much, i sleep with his teddy every night, i cry for him every day and wish he would come back. But how can he.

Why would GOD give me something so precious, someone that would fight so hard to stay alive, and then take him away?

I know it's my fault, i have a short and incompetant cervix. The same thing happened to my mum. She lost 3 babies, the midwives never listened to me, they said it couldn't be passed on from mother to daughter. They lied.

I have only just found these sites and have found comfort from reading other stories.

My heart goes out to all those mothers and fathers who have lost a child at any age, and will be forever thankful for the gift of love and time i had with my son.

Sorry this is so long thankyou for reading.

Love to all Peppa

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Peppa, know one thing this isn't your fault. Losing a child is a heart wrenching, painful, draining experience. Having them for the time we have them is a miricle, and we are fortunate to have that time, although never enough. I wish I had the answers to why we are given them just to have them taken away, maybe some day we will know, but for now it seems that nothing can be said or done to make any difference. Just know you are not alone in this journey. There are so many that in some ways have experienced the same emotional trauma you have. Each child is unique, each loss is our own, but somehow we learn to bear it. I know that the time you had with your precious Ellis was priceless, those moments are with us always. It really hurts, I know. Jim

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jim

thankyou for your reply. i know that i couldn't prevent this and that really it is'nt my fault. but i feel as his mother it was my job to protect him for 9 months. i feel that because my body was unable to do this i failed him. then to have him in my arms for the first time minutes before he died, seems like such an insult.

todays a bad day, but tomorrow will be better. i try and remember this when i feel low. but as i learn to deal with every day pain i feel for him, when the baddays come it makes me feel so empty. I keep wishing that tommorow when i wake up i'll be in hospital, and someone will tell me he is 3 months old and happily living at home with Simon, i was in a bad dream or coma. that relly none of the past 6 months have happened and all is well. i sound like a lunatic.

sorry i'm babling again.

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Hi. My name is Kim and I lost two babies last year. We've been trying for 3 years to have a baby.

I got pregnant on Christmas Eve 2003 via Clomid (fertility drug) and intrauterine insemination. I found out on my birthday, January 14 2004, that I was pregnant. That was a blessed day. When I was 6 weeks pregnant I had a dream that I was going to miscarry but that it was okay because I'd get pregnant again in a couple of months. I woke up and there was a small spot of blood when I wiped. I freaked out!! I went to the doctor and they did an ultrasound and said that everything was okay. I didn't bleed again until 10 weeks. I had another ultrasound at 10 weeks and we saw the baby's heartbeat and the doctor said that the chance of miscarrying now was small (after seeing the heartbeat) so not to worry about the bleeding. I miscarried at home 3 days later. I held the tiny baby in my hands. S/he was about 2 inches long. It was such a traumatic experience.

Just like my dream said, I got pregnant exactly 2 months later. Without even needing fertility treatments. It was quite a surprise!! AND, I was due on my birthday - January 14 2005. I was sure that it was meant to be. Everything went well until I started bleeding at 10 weeks. (The same time I lost the baby previously.) I freaked out and went to the doctor where they said that everything was fine. (Like I really believed them!) At 14 weeks I was still bleeding (heavily) and they took me out of work. I didn't need to stay on bedrest but they took me out of work so I wouldn't have to stress about the bleeding and if I was losing the baby at work. A month later, at 18 weeks, I had PROM (premature rupture of membranes.) I was admitted to the hospital where the doctor recommended that I terminate the pregnancy. I said absolutely not. They said there was nothing they could do for me. I would mostly likely get an infection and the baby would die or I would go into labor. They said it was highly unlikely that I would make it to 24 weeks - which is when they could do something for me (admit me to the hospital, try to stop premature labor, give me steroids to mature the lungs, etc.) I was released from the hospital and told to take my temperature every couple of hours to watch for signs of infection. I stayed on complete bedrest. At 19 weeks the ultrasound showed that there was still some fluid around the baby. The perinatologist said because there was some fluid there was a good chance that her lungs would develop. He talked to me about the complications that babies have when they're born premature. At 20 weeks, the ultrasound showed the the amniotic fluid had completely regenerated, the baby was growing on track, and the doctors turned more optimistic about me making it to 24 weeks. It was assumed that the leak in my amniotic sac had sealed itself over. That weekend, she stopped moving inside of me. I hoped that she'd just turned over to my back so I couldn't feel her movements yet. She was almost 1 lb (not very big when you think about how much I weigh!!) Sunday night I dreamt that I had the baby and gave her to my mother (who is passed away.) I had a feeling that it was one of THOSE dreams. I waited until my next scheduled appointment on Wednesday because I knew there wasn't anything they could/would do for me. When we went the appointment on Wednesday they confirmed that she'd died.

I was induced to deliver her and she was born at 22 weeks. I did not get to see or hold my baby girl. I chose not to have any pain medication during the labor/delivery. When I delivered her, she came out breech and her head got stuck in my cervix. The doctor was angry that I hadn't had any pain medication because it limited his options. He told me that if he pulled on her then her head could fall off. I had some friends in the delivery room with me along with my husband and they wanted to haul off and smack my OB!! We waited for my cervix to open some more and I had to really push her out. I pushed more with her than with my only living child 6 years earlier. Before she was born the OB had told me that I would get to see her and hold her but after she was born he thought it wouldn't be a good idea. Her skull collapsed during the delivery and he said that her skin was wearing away and you could see her intestines. I begged the nurse to wrap her up and put a hat on her so I could see her cute little face. She tried but said she thought the doctor and my husband (who didn't want me to have a bad memory) had made the right decision. I was really saddened by that.

She would've looked just like my precious son. Her ultrasound picture showed the cutest little upturned nose, just like him. Everytime I see him from the side I think of her. My little Hope. I did get her footprints and handprints and they are so so precious to me.

If you'll view my website and click on her name you'll see a poem I wrote for her, her handprint/footprint, and her beautiful ultrasound picture.

http://members.fortunecity.com/ksdesigns

I miss her everyday. My arms ache to hold her. My son asks why Jesus won't give us our Hope back.

The stress has been unbearable. I took 5 weeks off after she was delivered, went back to work part-time for a week and a half and then took a week off for vacation. I went back for a couple of weeks full time and then ended up quitting. My boss was being a complete ass and I just couldn't deal with it. I'd had this job for 14 years and was the breadwinner for my family. So, we've had a lot to deal with.

Hope's due date and my 36th birthday was last Friday. I feel like I'm ready to get on with the grieving. Not that I'll forget my sweet little baby, but that I need to move on with my life. I need to decide what I want out of life and go after it. I know that I want to have a baby eventually. I'm scared to death of it, though.

I'm looking forward to corresponding with you all. I'm so sorry for all of your losses.

~Kim

http://members.fortunecity.com/ksdesigns

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dear kim

your story really moved me. i am so sorry for both your loses. i was lucky that i got to spent one month with my boy, that at the last minute i got to hold him in my arms. i know how you feel, every time i look at his picture on our wall i get this overwhelming feeling of longing. i so want to hold him and feel him once again.

to think that you didn't have that chance saddens me. all i can tell you is that my best wishes for the future are with you. please remember that you can write any time, if i see it i will reply. i have found it helps just to write to others when i feel low. just knowing others understand.

take care for now

peppa

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I am new to this message bored. I married young and had my first child Brianna at the age of 19 she is the most beuatiful little girl. When she was about 9 months old we found out that I was pregnant for the second time. We were very happy because we had been discussing about wether we wanted to have another one in the next year or so. When I was 23 weeks pregnant we had an U/S and the amniotic fluid was very low so they scheduled anther U/S in 3 weeks wich I had a doctors appt. with my o.b. the same morning. Everything seemed to be going fine and then a few days before the appt. the baby stopped moving as much as he had been. I expressed my concerns to my husband and he reassured me that the baby was fine and that I needed to stop stressing so much because it was bad for the baby. The day of my O.B. appt. I felt the baby kick at about 5:30 am and it made me feel so much better. When I wnet into the doctors office I expressed my concerns and she started looking for the heartbeat. When she couldn't find it she did an U/S in her office and told me that I had lost the baby. I was heartbroken. My husband was with our 1 year old daughter and I had to call him and tell him over the phone. We then went to the hospital and induced labor. 12 hours later on March,2 2004 my son Baily Lewis Davis was born. He was the most beautiful little boy that I had ever seen. When they handed him to me he was so warm I just couldn't believe that he was gone, I wanted so badly to believe that he was just sleeping. There isn't a day that goes by that I don't think about him.

Thank everyone for sharing there losses with me it has helped just to know that it is ok to still be grieving after almost 11 months.

Samantha Davis

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To the mothers posting here over the last few days I just want to tell you how sorry I am. Love for a child doesn't start after that child is born, it starts the moment one finds out they are lucky enough to have one. Love can't be stopped, for many it is impossible to understand, what we know is that we have such deep feeling for our children and when we lose them it is so very, very hard. I was lucky in the fact we had our son for 17 years. Before his death the last person to experience the loss of a child was my grandmother. She lost a 19 year old, a 3 year old, and had a baby stillborn. That was back in the 20's and 30's. I never knew how she felt, although my grandfather seem to take the loss of the 3 year old very hard all of his life.

What I am trying to get at is there is a need for someone to help other mothers going through this loss here at Beyond Indigo. To check the boards and help others going through this and talk to them about how their feelings are not unusually, it is very natural. So many times people make us all feel like we are crazy for feeling what we feel, but love of a child is unconditional, no matter how long that child is with us.

As a father I know my child was a part of me, but during those first 9 months the mother is the miracle and I didn't have any knowledge of that experience, expect I was happy. What I have to say, I only say, from the loss of Kirk, who was 17. There is a lot of knowledge out there from so many of you mothers that have experienced this, worked your way through it, and remember. That experience I just don't have any knowledge of. I need some help with this strand. If anyone is able to help just email me. Jim

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hi everyone, im andrea, will's mam. im new to this site today. i stummbled across it when trying to look for information on depression after the loss of a baby.i thought maybe talking to you today could help me in some way get over the loss of my son will. will was born 09-12-03 i was 23 and a half weeks pregnant when i went into premature labour. i never ever thought in a million years that at the end of it all i would be left without a baby at the end of my pregnancy. i was full of dreams and hopes of what it would be like when he arrived. a little brother for my 6 year old son kieran, a son for me and my beloved fiancee ian, our first child together. but this was all shattered to smitherines when they told me after 2 long agonising days that when will was born alive that they could not save him and he died 6 minutes later in my arms. i know that some people have longer with there babies months even years but to me the was absolute hell. i was devestated beyond belief. 1 day i walked into hospital pregnant and 2 days later walked out with a dead baby's funeral to arrange. my head was in pieces. i suffered depression really badly after will died and it took me 6 months to straighten myself up and smile and live some kind of normal life. but here i am, not even a year later and im suffering more than before. i cant seem to get out of this rut, i think about what happened, will, what he looked like, his funeral, i play it over and over the whole situation in my head all the time. i am a nightmare to live with at the moment. this is why i am here. me and ian have coped up until now and just latley i have rejected him, i dont intentionally mean to but looking at it from his side of things i have. im not intrested in sex, i shout at him all time over silly things and iv just lost all intrest and confidence in myself. why??????

i dont want to be like this but i dont see a way out. i will never forget will and aslong as i keep thinking about him and what happened to us i will always feel sad. i dont want to lose ian we have been through to much together and sometimes i feel there is a real bond because of will but we are not copeing too well, or i am not copeing too well and its effecting him. has anyone out there gone through this and come out with a happy ending????

please help me im lost in what i have to do to control my grief.

i am truley sorry for those people who have gone through the grief and pain of loseing a child i would not wish it on my worst enemy. it is the worst thing in the world.

andrea xxx

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dear andrea

i know the pain you feel. just last night i laid in bed and it dawned on me that my son Ellis (born at 24 weeks) was born 8 months ago, he died 7 months ago. but it still feels like yesterday. i know i'm getting there, the pain i felt six months ago is nothing to how i feel now. i guess in some ways it's the same feelings but i'm learning to cope alittle better every day.

depression is a normal thing. you can't control depression, you can't tell it to go away, or pull yourself together. i know, i deal with it from day to day, in my personal feelings and with the people i work with.

do you and your partner talk about your baby. do you have any pictures of him?

sometimes i just long to hold Ellis. i just want to have my precious baby back where he belongs.

have you tried to go for counciling or group meeting with any other parents that have lost children and babies. your hospital may be able to put you in touch with others in your area. your reaction to your partner is unfortunatly a natural response. Simon and i were both not interested until we read in a grief booklet that making love to each other could act as a form of comfort. to feel close to the other person. sex can be about many different things, try talkng to your partner about what you would expect to get out of it. that it could be used as a way to make you feel closer to him.

your not alone, there are others who understand and can help. i will make a list of other sites that may help you and post it next time.

take care all my love peppa.

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peppa,

thank you for your reply. it means alot to me, even though i dont no you as a person its much appriciated for the time you have took to reply and think about my thoughts and feelings, for a better understanding of my situation please go to greif support, i am just grieving, my whole story and feelings you want to know are on this page.

iv been talking to some1 in there who is trying to help me hes been great, and i do feel better than i did yesterday but this is so hard for me.

i am sorry to hear about your loss, it must be worse for you because you had that extra time to bond with your baby. i am truly sorry to hear this, but please take this in a good way, im glad im not the only 1 who feels this way, it is much more reassureing that im not crazy and and other people feel the way i feel.

i wish you and simon the best of luck and my deepest sympathy,

yours gratefully

andrea wills mam x

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dear andrea

i have just read your fuller details on the i'm just greaving part of the site. our situations are similar. i was 23 and a half weeks when i went in. my hospital in leeds England, gave me all the treatment you stated as soon as i went in. the drip the steriods the meds to prevent labour. only my fliud didn't break, god only know why not. ellis slipped into my vagina after 4 days of being laid upsidedown. the doctors told me he was dead at this point as he couldn't have survived the night in there. she brock my waters while examining me. i was giving birth to a dead baby at that point. but i knew he was ok. i felt him kick inside me so i knew i had to push him out quickly. when he came there wasn't an incubator as they said he was dead. i had him laid on me for about 3 minutes whilst they got one and fetched the peeds team. my boy was in intensive care baby unit for 31 days before i got to hold him properly for the first time. just before he died.

i can't believe the horrible treatment you recieved. i remember the prem baby doctors talking to us when i first went in saying that ellis would not be helped at all because the law states that babies born before 24 weeks are not viable. i remember argueing saying but what if he's breathing. they told me if he is still breathing after 20 minutes then they would help. we asked if a lack of oxygen during that time would cause brain damage, what then. we were lucky he could hold on for 4 days. he was born at 24 weeks and they had to help.

i say again i can't believe the hoppital put you through that. i remeber every single thing that happened to us at the hospital. in that situation your sences are hightened. any doctor could tell you that.

ellis came because of a weak cervix. for months after i would blame myself, even want to hurt myself. simon would never let me blame myself. he always said it wasn't my fault. thankfully i believed him, i think because the alternative would have killed me, litrally.

please remember it is not your fault. i was given a poem by the hospital, i don't want to put it on here cause i don't know if i should, if you would liketo hear it in the future i will email it too you.

you are a very special person. remember that. again i am so sorry your story is horrific at best, i know understand why you feel this way. i wish i had more support and words of wisdom but i don't. i feel the same most of the time. take care you wonderful, person and mum. love Peppa

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hi peppa,

sorry it has took me so long to reply to you but i have been tryin to sort myself out, iv had a good long talk to ian and he has bin great with me, we are so close now again compared to the other day, he has loads of cuddles for me and checking to see if im ok, hes bin much more supportive. he was a bit upset that i hadnt told him sooner and i kept it all to myself but he understands i thought i would hurt him more if i told him.

we also went to see my g.p and got myself some happy pills and an appointment to see a councillor which already makes me feel better.

and i sent wills ashes and mementoes to my mams so that i can walk in to the house and not feel uncomfortable and know that they are there.

i would love to hear that poem if you wouldnt mind, i wrote one myself for wills funeral and the vicar said it was the most beautiful thing he had ever heard.

thanks for your support and kind words they mean alot to some one who feels like there a failure and the whole world is against them.

i do feel better and i would love to keep in touch.

your friend andreax

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dear andrea

i am so pleased you and your partner have sorted things out, it does help to talk. Simon and i didn't talk much before Ellis died. but we have found it's the only way to get through this.

it sounds like you have made real progress. you just sound loads better. if your anything like me you'll have bad days too, but remember the good and you will get there.

the world is not againest you, i would love to hear what you wrote for Will. my poem was given to me by a nurse at the hospital. it talks about how he was not mine to keep, but he loved me as i love him. i don't have it on me at present. to be honest i haven't looked at it since the funeral 7 months ago. but i guess this could be my next step forward.

i too would really like to stay in touch, take care of yuor self, and your Ian.

love Peppa.

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Andrea and all the other people on here who have lost someone so very dear to them...

I have had my head in a place that I can not mention at this point in time and I have finallly got it out and began to see things like hope, happiness (did I say happiness) and a whole bunch of other things. thought I posted on here before and I went back to see if I could locate anything and I can't locate anything from me. So if i did forgive me please. My name is Catherine and in May of this year I lost a daughter who was my 4th daughter do to a possible cord complication. She was 38.6 weeks and she was going to be adpoted by a loving family. Grace May was delivered on May 8th, 2004. Since then I have looked for help and pushed it away and tonight after finally getting over Christmas and my birthday and several other things like my 4 years olds birthday party this past weekend. I actually have a little peace of mind. I miss her everydasy and it was very difficult and I give big thanks to all who took the time to tell their own stories of loss. I read here over the past few months but I never applied it, someone may be hurting as much as I am. We can help each other by reading, sharing and caring. I still don't have an answer for someone who lost a child except I know and I am sorry. I don't know if there is a right thing to say. On Sunday when my daughter was having her birthday party, I took 5 minutes with my best friend and came into my room and opened up Graces' Box of memories and I missed her and I cried but believe it or not they weren't tears of sorrow they were tears of joy. Then my daughter came into the room and hugged me tight and said don't worry mama, Grace is in Heaven celebrating my birthday with Nana since she couldn't be here. I took a few minutes to compose myself after that and went back to the party and I felt a sense of peace that I haven't felt in months. I am not dreading her anniversary now as much as I thought. (ok, I am kidding myself) But I will be ok. The thing is that it is a Mother's Day anniversay, which is going to be difficult. I am sorry it is so long. My heart goes out to everyone. If you are reading this still, I thank you and know that I am saying a special prayer for you. It does help not to be alone.

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I have just been reading all of the posts and I too lost a newborn. His name was Roy James and we call him Baby Roy since he was named after my father, Roy, and my husband's father, James. This is Baby Roy's fourth Angel Day. He lived three days and died of Trisomy 18. Then only 9 days later, my Mom had a car wreck on her way to dialysis and died on Valentine's Day. This time of year is the worst for us. My friend's mother, Jessie, passed away last weekend, and Jessie was like another Mom to me. She was bedridden and had been for over 20 years due to a stroke, but her death combined with the flashbacks of the deaths four years ago is almost too much. I wish I could say that life goes on. It does, but it is never the same. Our little newborns who are not here on earth for long impact our lives forever. I want all of you to know that Beyond Indigo has helped me more than anything else. I also go to a monthly greif support group called Mourning and Dancing, and the meeting is tonight. But this is here 24/7. Rest in peace, Baby Roy. I hope you have found some of the others here in heaven to play with on your 4th Angel Day.

We love you very much.

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peppa,

sorry i havnt posted in a while iv just bin tryin to get my life back again, and oh boy am i much better, i still have my bad days but since that horrible week where i felt so low im 100% better, heres that poem of wills for you, we read this at his funeral:

to our precious little boy,

look to the sky,

may the stars shine brightly,and watch over you at night,

and when the snow falls,

may each snowflake be a pritty little dream,

which we send to thee,

and when the leaves fall from the trees,

and its cold,

may every leaf keep you wrapped up,

warm and safe,

and every time we light your candle,

we will pray,

that theres a pritty little gardian angel,

there for you,

gaurding and protecting you,

sweet dreams our son,

you will always be missed,

and never ever forgot,

you will remain in our hearts for eternity,

and i promise,

we will meet again someday,

till then my darling baby,

may your dreams be sweet,

sleep, baby, sleep......xxxx

all our endless love for eternity,

mammy, daddy, and your big brother kieran.

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Hi all –

I’m sure you’ve noticed that the message boards seem a little different. We’ve streamlined the message boards. We’ve unified the forum and thread names and tried to make things less confusing. I hope that it has made things easier for you.

We are considering adding new threads to the topics and would love to hear what you would like to be added. You can write me at julie@beyondindigo.com to share your thoughts and suggestions. I would love to hear from you.

I am also still looking for message board monitors. If you are interested, please let me know!

Take care,

Julie

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I ran across this site by accident last night. I have never had anyone to talk to about my son. Everyone around me prefers to pretend it never happened. Does it help to talk and does it ever get any easier to deal with?

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Lostmoma, I am sorry about the loss of your son. It does help to talk and to write. Getting our feeling out in words and on paper seems to be so much better than keeping them bottled up inside. People are very reluctant to talk about losing a child. There is just something in it that speaks to our mortality. For us we only know the feelings and pain of the loss, for others they just don't know how to approach us or talk about it. It still seems to be taboo in our culture.

As for getting easier, it does, but that doesn't mean we forget or love any less. It just is that after time we learn better how to deal with our loss. The time it takes is up to us and the feelings of those around us. It is hard, I know, but I also know that I feel much better than I use to.

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Hi everyone --

Did you know if you click on the quote button on the bottom right corner of a member's post, you can add what they said into your post and comment on it?

Take Care,

Julie

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ginaluvsjavi
I ran across this site by accident last night. I have never had anyone to talk to about my son. Everyone around me prefers to pretend it never happened. Does it help to talk and does it ever get any easier to deal with?
hi..my name is Gina ..I lost my baby the day he was born..and I have had alot of people that act like nothing ever happend, and it really hurts..so I think it is good to talk about your beautiful baby your baby will always be with you and your baby is a BIG part of your heart so you do need to talk about it, I know I need to talk about my baby because he's a beautiful angel. so if you need somone to talk to email me at javi_gina_bjbi@sbcglobal.net
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Ginaluvsgavi,

I am sorry for the loss of your son. You are right, talking about your son and the loss of your son is very important. I believe that sometimes people around us don't talk about our loss, because they're not sure we want to talk about it. I find that when I bring up my son's name people respond with a caring word. The loss of child is one of the most difficult losses a person can experience. Please know that you are in our thoughts and we are here for you in anyway that we can.

Peace to you, Tina

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Ginaluvsgavi, my niece and nephew just lost one of thier twins. One died by stranglulation from the umbilical cord in the womb, the other is still in the hospital having to be on a ventalator with a hole in his heart. She is worn out, sad, and doesn't understand. People tell her at least she has one, like the other didn't matter.

It breaks her heart. Love is unconditional for a parent and loss is hard to take no matter when it happens or the circumstances that surround it.

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It feels so good to cry with others. My grandson died at 2 months on May 22nd, 2005. After successfully undergoing life threatening bowel blockage surgeries and making a miracle comeback, our precious Samuel developed AMI, leukemia and died 4 days later. I arrived 2 weeks before his death just for a visit to see my new grandson, he was hospitalized the entire time. I stayed 2 weeks after with my Son and Daughter in Law and older grandson. Leaving was so painful. I'm thankful cause my whole family of Brothers, sister, parents, cousins, Aunts and Unlces are there for them. I feel alone now that I am back home in Oregon, even though there are friends and In law family supporting me here. I try not to call the kids more than once a day, but it is hard. Any of you parents who have lost a child, I'm so sorry for your pain. It's funny, one person replied to my grief/emotions that the baby wasn't actually "mine", I hadn't given birth to him. Wow, not mine???? what an absurd thing for someone to say to Grandma!

Better days ahead to all..........this did help abit.

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Drseacs56,

I am so sorry for your loss. People can be so cruel. I'm not sure what they mean when they try to put grief in a box. You lost your grandson and you are grieving for your child who has lost a child.

My mom tells me often that she not only lost her grandson, she lost me. I was forever changed when my son died at the age of 19.

FYI- I did not like when my mom would ask me, everyday, how I was doing. I wanted to scream at her... how do you think I'm doing. I know her intentions were good, but what I really wanted her to do was just let me know that she was there waiting for me to ask her for whatever I needed.

Take care of yourself, drink plenty of fluids, eat, sleep, talk and write.

Peace to you, Tina

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Drseacs56, love, understanding, time, and letting your son and daughter-in-law talk will mean so much to them. Tina is right, watching the change in your son has got to be very hard. That baby was a part of you because he was apart of your son.

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Thank you for all the support and tender caring words. It surely helps. I've been reading the posts and think how sad for all of us. I also don't believe that people intentionally are creul, just dumbfounded for words while in their own grief. I myself have not asked but once "how are you" to my son and daughter in law. It does seem like an agonizing question. I miss you, I miss Samuel, I love you, I wish I was there. Those seem to be of comfort to them and myself. I also offered to take of the obituary in my town as both the kids have many lifelong friends in the area. It was very difficult, but I have managed. My kids have decided to do a baloon release memorial to Sam. It seems like a great idea as everyone can't make it to the same spot, but we can all be remembering at the same time and doing the same thing wherever we are. Hang on all you folks, please try not to hold on only to the bad, but relish in the life no matter how short, of the miracle we had.

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HI my name is Christine. We recently lost our baby a week ago. I was 17 weeks pregnant. After going through countless u/s every week we were told the week before that the baby would not make it. The amniotic fluid had broke 3 weeks ago and apparently I had contracted a virus of some kind. But no matter how many exams i had nobody was able to catch it. They just assumed that it was normal for the fluid to dry up. So after 12 hours of labour, I gave birth to a 6 oz. girl. She had died sometime the week before. My husband and I are struggling to come to terms and to try and understand how something like this could happen. With all their technology nowadays, they still could not save our baby. I would just like to share my story with someone who understands and has been through it. I find people don't like to talk about it because they don't know what to say. My husband had to go back to work right away. But I am still home and still thinking. When does the endless questions go away in your head. I feel like if i go on with my life that i will forget her. I would like to know if anyone else feels this.

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Kayleym,

Yes... your feelings are very normal. The loss of a child is not a loss that one get's over- you will carry it with you forever. However, you will learn to live life with this loss and hopefully choose to have more children. I'm sorry that you have had to experience this awful feeling. It hurts for a long time. Take time to take care of yourself and make a place in your home to just "be".

Peace to you, Tina

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Dear Parents,

I would like to give everyone an opportunity to have a special place that their child's memorial website could be viewed. I feel that having them in the posts is nice, but hard to find and having to cut and past is not always the best way to get people to view the sites. Therefore I am starting this new strand so that we can keep the sites in one place without clutter. I mention that I want them without clutter so I am going to have to make up some rules for the use of this strand. I will also be monitoring it daily and will have to edit it as I see fit if something other than what I ask for is posted. I do not want this strand to get into a posting strand, just a place where the websites along with some information is posted making it easier to have others view these sites.

The rules will be as follows.

1. Only the child's name, Dates, Parents or immediate family, along with the website will be allowed. I am putting in an example in the next post with Kirk's site listed. This is the only way I will allow them to be place in this strand.

2. I will reserve the right to edit out any information other than what I have asked for. If I feel it is unintentional I will first write to explain why I will need to edit it.

3. There will be no advertisements permitted.

4. Only one site can be posted with each child. If one wants to change it periodically they will need to write me to change it or they can go in and edit it if that is possible, but if more than one site is posted the top site will remain and the other site will be edited.

5. I am sorry to have to do it this way, but I really want to have our kid's sites shown with a minimal amount of information that does not relate to the sites.

The new strand is open and I hope I don't offend only trying to make this a little easier.

Jim, Kirksdad

Kirk Matthew Balthazor

June 11, 1983 - August 5, 2000

Sone of Jim and Cindy, Brother to Teryn

http://www.beyondindigo.com/memorials/memorials.php/dID/229

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Hi~~ I am new here. I lost my son at three weeks of age due to an undiagnosed heart defect, called transposition of the great vessels. He was a wonderful, beautiful baby, who struggled to live, and should have. We are now in the middle of a horrible lawsuit, which I wish I had never started, but I was soooo angry and needed so many answers. I was wondering if anyone else is going something similar. I know we all are suffering horrible grief...the flashbacks and the anxiety of losing something so wonderful is completely mind-blowing...Just looking for support and friendship and a way to vent to people who know how truly awful this is. Thank-you. Will's Mom

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Willsmom, I grieve with you over the loss of your child, my son Kirk was killed in a car wreck. There are so many other parents that are going through this and understand what trying to take on the Court system in our country is like. I don't know if others can answer what questions you might have, but I know there is a lot of support in the Grief and the Court System, strand. Many have gone through this after the birth of a child, or the death of a young child, having to find out what went wrong. You may have someone there that can be very supportive.

Being angry and wanting answers is not a lot to ask for when one loses a child in a way we feel is unfair.

Only you understand the workings of the courts, lawyers, the defendants when it comes to trying to figure everything out. Try posting there if you don't get the answers you are wondering about, but I can tell you that you are not alone.

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Willsmom,

I am very sorry for your loss. I wish there was something I could offer to help you with your questions. Please know that you have every right to feel any way that you feel- grief has a way of doing that. The love for a child is like no other love. Be sure to take care of yourself... talk, drink plenty of fluids, eat, set your boundaries, and take time out for yourself.

Peace to you, Tina

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Thank-you both for you kind and sincere replies. I did take your advice and posted on the court system board, maybe there will be someone who can help. Again, thank-you and I wish you both a calm, peaceful day, and I am deeply sorry for your losses....My God Bless your beloved children. WillsMom

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I would really like to open this up and all of us get to know one another...I know sometimes, you may not want to post; but everyone I have talked with is so supportive and kind, I just really think if everyone got to know one another it would only benefit all of us....Just an idea. We can always have eachs' back...through tears, happiness, progress and so forth....I know alot of you already know each other, and I am "new woman", but I would love to grow close to all of you, even if it is under such sad circumstances. Willsmom~~Allyson

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Willsmom,

I am glad to hear from you again. I post a lot on the "loss of an adult child" and the "loss of a teenage child" message boards. I go wherever there is discussion about the loss of a child. You are welcome on any message board.

About myself- I lost my son Chris on January 4, 2002, from injuries sustained in a snowmobile accident. He was with his friend riding on a straight groomed gravel road covered with snow. The road started to narrow with a slight turn in it and his snowmobile didn't make the turn. His snowmobile impacted a tree with him on it. He never woke up. He died instantly. We were not with him that day. He was about 30 miles up in the mountains and it took about six to seven hours for the rescue team to bring his body to us. He was with his good friend that day... My son was just 19. He was my baby. Brown hair, brown eyes, one quarter Japanese, three quarter's Caucasion, 5' 11'', 190 pounds. He loved to wrestle and play football. He was full of love, energy, smiles, honesty, respect, and all around friendly kid. He was compassionate and loved his little brother. WE MISS HIM.

It has been almost four years and time has helped us realize the he won't be coming home- here on earth. We miss him so much. We do have goals, happy moments, good memories, and we are able to talk about him openly. Life has gotten better than it was in those first couple of years... but we will always love and miss him. We carry our hurt while we our living our lives out.

What about you?

Peace to you, Tina

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Hi Tina,

So nice to here from you. Today's is/would have been Will's first birthday, and I am not doing to well. We have already been to the cemetary, and my poor husband was beside himself, he never goes out there, so when he does it is horrible for him. We let some balloons go and tied some on a wind chime pole. I really have to stop, I am just so sick and feel so gross and unhappy. My two oldest boys are home, so we all could be together and get throught he day. I will be in touch and post to you directly when I get myself back to sorts. I have just got to get through this day and the next few weeks, but I will post soon. I am just to sad, and the constant hammering of thoughts is overwhelming. I must rest. I will type soon. WillsMom~~Allyson

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Allison,

I understand. You do what you need to, to get your feet under you. I also want to acknowledge Will's birthday. My son's birthday is on September 30 and I too struggle as the days approach. Every day is difficult, but the day that I gave birth to my son is one of the most difficult times in the year. There are environmental triggers that set of my emotions that are set around that day- smells, wheather, and the like. I'm sure you understand.

When you are ready, please give me a post or e-mail and I would be happy to support you.

Peace to you, Tina

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Allyson, Kirk my son was 17, kind of a wild child, ADHD, school problems, etc. Tried hard to change what we could, sometimes it worked, sometimes it didn't, but thought we were starting to get somewhere after about 2 years of hell. Guess we were wrong, He died in a car accident a couple of blocks from our house. They are building our new church on the site, I am thinking that the front door is about right over the spot he was killed. I have very mixed emotions about it all.

Today I went to the funeral of a student of mine from a long time ago. She was 38, know her family really well. Her sister had Kirk as a kindergardener, she was part owner in the dock we have at one time. Just a rotten day.

There is no age that losing a child will not totally destroy a family. Some have their children longer than others, I have such emotions though when a child dies so young, as a baby, as a child. It just isn't fair or right. I just can't comprehend that, I know that your pain will last longer, so much longer than mine. Know it is so very hard.

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KirksDad:

First let me say I am very sorry for your loss, and that it is close to home is also an added burden; driving past it everyday, etc. It sounds like you were a wonderful father to him and tried to be there for him in everyway possible. I have yet to decide or even compare which would be worse...Having someone you love for 3, 10, 17 years or just a short time, like I had my Will. None of it is fair, and the daily sadness is beyond words. I just hope you and your family are doing well. I wish you only peace and easy days ahead. If I can ever help or you need an ear~~I, we, are all here. WillsMom~~Allyson

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Hi this is Christine, Kayley's mom. I've only written once on the boards around July when the baby died. Its been almost 4 months and there isn't a day that goes by that we don't think of her. Her due date is coming up on Dec. 6. That will be hard. We are not doing do good. It is the time when the doctor said it would be time to have another one if we wanted but I am struggling with this issue. My husband wants another child so much but I am so afraid to go through it again. I'm not sure what to do. Because of my age, (I'm 39) the doctor said to start right away but I'm scared. I just wanted to see if anyone could give some advice. I realize that the decision is mine and my husband in the end but it would be nice to hear from someone who had tried. Thank you.

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Kayleym,

I understand your fear. I too am 39 years old and have a clock ticking. I lost my oldest son, age 19, almost four years ago. My husband and I have one living child who is 16 and we want to have another child for us and for him. My husband had a vasactomy reversal a year ago. That was such a hard decision to make. I was scared of experiencing loss again. I'm still scared of that. We have not been able to get pregnant... and I'm not sure why. But, I don't have the energy to push the issue. My mind says that if it's meant to be it will happen. I suppose when I get real serious I will push the issue.

I just want you to know that the best days of my life have been living in this life with my son. Yes, losing him was devastating and hurts everyday. But, my life has been made better because I have had the time that I did with my son. I would choose to live 79 years in this PAIN- than live my life without ever experiencing the love and life that I had with my son.

Therefor I say- Just do it... close your eyes and do it, because it won't be easy know matter how much you think about it.

Peace to you, Tina

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Hi Christine,

I have to say I agree with Tina, just close your eyes and take the leap. I think if you do not atleast give it a try, you will regret it. As you know my tubes are tied, and I have batted around the idea of a reversal for months, but also decided if I was going to do it I was doing it for the wrong reasons...I really would enjoy another baby, but the longer I thought on it, the more realized I just wanted Will, and another baby was not the answer for me, you guys are in a completely different realm. I still ponder the idea, but know, it would not be correct. I just want Will, and nothing can change that. I hope/pray you guys get the answer(s) you are seeking and go with them, whatever they maybe. Babies are a gift from God and I hope you both are blessed with that gift, and I hope I have made the correct choice for myself...Take Care and stay in touch...WillsMom~~Allyson

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