Husband Died Suddenly at 41

[Teves]

My husband died suddenly three weeks ago at the age of 41. We were together for 14 years. I am 38.

I'm trying to figure out how to function. Everything is fine when I get together with friends, family--or if they stay over. I've also had some nights alone. As independent as we both allowed one another to be, we were so intensely connected. He had such a good heart, cared so much for other people and even wanted to see them advance (and helped them) at work before himself. He was an amazing soul. Since March, he was even getting in shape and looked better than he ever had. He was so proud that he fit into a size medium shirt again. His career was going great. Nearly everything in his life was great. I believe he was at his prime. Our marriage was fun, each day. We tried to make the most of each day, even after long work days. Even after 14 years together, we'd always miss one another when we were not together, hold hands, say "love you" before we left to work each day...all those little things.

The last day we had together, I decided to stay behind and not go with him to an event. I brought him to lunch prior and he seemed kind of out of it, but it was a very hot summer day. I was feeling the same. I keep thinking, was he gray, was he sickly. We spent so many days in hot weather and felt the same, in the desert and other places we traveled.

What killed him in the end was a preexisting, rare condition he had for years. There were treatments but no cure, which is why I think he stayed away from doctors. It would have been invasive and impacted his quality of life. I can't be angry with him, because I have a tendency of staying away from doctors too.

That night when he got home, we spent a few more hours together. It was a usual, lazy weekend night. He texted me so excited on his way home and screamed when the METS won just after 10pm. We ate a light, late dinner. I fell asleep before him. I woke up in the middle of the morning and saw him on the couch and left him alone, thinking he was up late unwinding with video games into the wee hours or TV. Hours later, it was too late. I tried to wake him and knew he was gone. This beautiful man I had spent 14 years with...we had been through so much together. He helped me through the death of my father, grandmother and even a friend who recently passed away.

That was it. I can't process this. I'm so broken inside. I take a step forward then fall down hard. The past two days have been rough. Yesterday I walked the streets like a zombie but tried to take care by visiting a friend and sitting at a coffee shop to read. When I got home again, it hit me hard. There's guilt. Why didn't I stay awake with him longer? Why didn't I try to wake him and tell him to come to bed? Then I think I would leave work before him most mornings. What if it happened then? I traveled for work often, including earlier this month. Could this have happened when I was away? This guilt it terrible. I try to reverse it. I'm literally sick writing this, but I really need to talk to as many people as possible.

I am going to a one-on-one grief counseling this week, which I hope helps me some more. I also have great friends and family around. I'm just wondering if there is someone who lost their husband so young, suddenly. How are you coping?

I'm sleeping better but food is a big challenge. I'm trying to eat at least twice a day, but it's barely nothing.

We had such a beautiful life together, and he had so much more to accomplish--a business he wanted to kick off and his photography.

He had beautiful memories, was so intelligent, smart and inspired me every day. Now, I feel like it's all gone. How can he be gone at 41? I really cannot understand this. I'm not sure how to "cope."

 

[KayC]

I am so sorry you lost your husband...words are inadequate to speak what is in my heart for you and for all who suffer this devastating loss.  I am glad you are going to see a counselor.  It's common to feel guilt when we lose someone we love.  We think what could we have done differently, could it have been prevented, why didn't I know, etc.  I hope this link is of help to you.
http://www.griefhealingblog.com/2012/12/grief-and-burden-of-guilt.html

If you can't eat, which is understandable, it's important to keep your strength up as it makes it all the harder if we don't...I hope you'll try some healthy smoothies.  I have Kale Smoothies every day (kale, celery, banana, applesauce, lemon juice), it is a good way to get fruit & veggies in.  also spinach/berry/ banana/yogurt ones are healthy.  It also helps to walk every day.  Make sure to drink plenty of water!  I know, it's hard to take care of ourselves just when we need it the most!

Try to be very patient and understanding with yourself.  It's like suffering brain trauma, this grief just jolts us to the core!

[Teves]

Thank you so much. Every little bit helps. It's truly unbearable. Some days are better than others but I feel so lost. It's still so fresh, which is why I needed to reach out online, try to find some folks going through the same thing--or those who have been through it already.

I'll try more smoothies. Great idea. Thank you. I've been trying to get out every day as well. I've been invited to stay with friends, family, but for some reason, I can't pull myself from our apartment. I really want to, but I just can't right now. I might stay with a friend locally first for a night then go from there.

[KayC]

I understand.  I don't remember going anywhere when I first lost my husband, except work (which I had to) and church, and believe me, that was tough.  I think it was six months before I stayed overnight somewhere.  I couldn't even get groceries, my daughter had to do that for me at first.

Take your time with things, listen to your inner gut and go at your pace.

[BigKev]

I am truly very sorry for your loss. You are not alone in this so please reach out when the need arises.

Try not to beat yourself up too much. My guilt continues but it seems to diminish as I become more aware of how little there was that I could do. My story is similar to yours, my wife passed unexpectedly 2 months ago. She was 54 and we were together for 33 years. I found her and tried to save her but failed. I relive it but less than I did initially. Things are starting to become almost bearable. Just breathe and try to get through the next 10 minutes. 

[Teves]

Thank you. I am sleeping better, but I'm working on the food. I'm trying to take it minute by minute, hour by hour, day by day. I feel so paralyzed at times. Your experience is still so fresh as well--2 months ago for you. So sorry this happened to you as well. I just can't believe it's real, that this is all really happening, but it is. I wish I could fast forward a year from now. Maybe it won't hurt as much. I don't know.

[StevenKelly]

So sorry for your loss.

Your story is a lot like mine. Together happy and smiling then your best friend is gone.

My story is that I visit a child hood friend about every six months, we have a couple of drinks, talk and listen to music then I crash on his couch until about 6am. I got up had a coffee then drove home. I saw my wife's car still at our home and I knew something was wrong, I said to myself, please let this not be bad please as I rushed inside. I found her in bed laying flat still dressed in shorts and a tank top from taking the dog out for the last time of the night, I grabbed her legs and shook her and yelled her name but as soon as I touched her I knew she was gone. Life has been a nightmare ever since. I can not process this either. I have moments of what feels like moving forward and then I just crash for days, it all feels like it's just getting worse. That's all I can say is I know how you feel but presently I don't have a solution. I don't know if it will ever get better for me. I hope it does for you.

[velvettuberose]

All the sudden and, in some cases violent, deaths are devastating for us left behind. There is no closure, nothing...just a bunch of whys and ifs. 

When my husband died 8 months ago at the age of 45, Army combat medic, I died too, metaphorically speaking. I am not sure how I made it through that week and then the months after. And here I am 8 months later still crying, sometimes sobbing, being distraught and trying to accept that I will never look into my husband's eyes, see his smile, hear his voice, hug and kiss him. Pain beyond words!!!

[Teves]

It helps to talk to others who have experienced this sudden, huge loss. It's the love of your life. Thank you for sharing your stories with me. It really helps. I feel the loss you have all shared with me. The shock...the fact that we can't touch their face, look into their eyes.

My husband had the most beautiful blue eyes and these amazingly long eyelashes--so handsome.

This is all so painful. It hasn't even been a month now but almost there...I wish I could fast forward a year from now. Maybe it would hurt less. I don't know...

Simple things like staying with friends, even for a night, is difficult. I did the other day but I felt so anxious like I had to get home. I've traveled the world and so did he. It's just amazing how almost paralyzed you feel.

His family and friends have also asked me to stay with them a night here, there but I hold back. I know it would be good for me. As soon as I can I will do it...

The constant connection to friends, etc. helps so much. I'm getting out and together with people for food, drinks. It helps a bit...

[KayC]

18 hours ago, velvettuberose said:

When my husband died 8 months ago at the age of 45, Army combat medic, I died too, metaphorically speaking.

In a way, we do die with them...our lives are so drastically different from that moment forward...and so are we.  Nothing seems the same...