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Lost my girlfriend to suicide


Luke1313

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So basically I was dating my best friend. Our relationship goes back a few years. I met her about roughly 6 to 7 years ago. We tried dating anyways it didn't work. She moved 3 provinces away from me and we started to reconnect about 2 years ago. She came down and visited all of her friends and that's when we started dating. Long story short we were crazy in love and she eventually moved back and moved in with me. She always talked about how she's never been so happy because we were best friends. We knew everything about each other. Anyways the one weekend I needed to see my dad because ever since we moved in together I hadn't seen him in a while so she went and stayed with her dad for a bit. Another long story short she ended up ending her life that weekend. It's been 5 months without her and I still don't think I'm goin to make it. I still cry uncontrollably. I still and deeply in love with her and everyday life tasks are harder than ever. I would have given up anyone in my life to have her back. I went through a lot of stuff in my life and even when it was bad it was never that bad because I had her. Now I'm lost. I'm basically like living to die. I'm not actually alive though because it just seems like nothing in this life will ever compare to making me as happy as she did. I miss her and I just don't know how to get through this. 

 

- Luke 

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claribassist13

Luke, 

Please allow me to express my sincerest condolences. I know that those words are difficult to swallow and mean little in situations like ours, but I have yet to come up with a better way to express it. 

Understand first off that you should not expect yourself to "get through this" within the span of 5 months. There is a reason why in many cultures the grieving are given a whole year to just mourn, and that is because it takes at least that long to fully process what has happened. In cases like ours, where the death was sudden and completely unexpected, that process can take even longer. 
Please know that there is no wrong way to grieve. At this point in time you are probably past the shock/denial aspect of her death, and now the true sorrow is setting in. It also doesn't that you will quickly be approaching the six month mark. 

What sort of things have you done to take care of yourself? Have you been to see a grief counselor? Are you talking with anyone? What does your support network look like? 
If you do not have someone to speak to, I suggest finding someone for that purpose. Talking about your grief and about her is what is going to help you process your grief externally, which will help internally as well. 
The community on this website is pretty fantastic, always supportive, and have a lot of valuable advice and experiences to share. Please reach out to us when you need it. We are all part of a club that no one wants to be in, but we have each other's back. If nothing else, we are a community that can relate to what you are going through. 
Please feel free to reach out to any of us via forum or private messaging. 

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Luke,

I am so sorry, I know it's hard.  claribassist has already given you good response.  We get through this one day at a time.  It's important to take good care of yourself even though that may feel like the least of your concerns...it gives you the best chance of getting through this optimally.  Eat healthy, drink water, take walks.  That sounds so trivial, I know, but it's important.  It's also important to seek the help of a professional grief counselor that can help you know where to start and help you look at things that are hard to see right now.  You will undoubtedly cry, feel anger, vent, etc. Know that it's all normal under the circumstances.

You have complicated grief with her taking her life. It's natural to feel responsible for someone we love even though we have no control over what happened.  It's going to be important to learn to let go of guilt feelings or feeling responsible for what you couldn't control.  
http://www.griefhealingblog.com/2013/11/surviving-spouses-suicide.html

http://www.griefhealingblog.com/2012/03/grief-support-for-survivors-of-suicide.html

http://www.griefhealingblog.com/2012/12/grief-and-burden-of-guilt.html

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Honestly I'm trying I just can't. I used to be so worried about my health. I'm 21 and it feels like my life has ended. I think it's because I was finally growing up. Finally going to start my family and I accepted it and wanted it and than boom. That's all gone with her. I drink way to much now, I smoke a pack of cigarettes a day.. I don't eat the greatest. I used to be this guy filled with joy and so much life. The kind of guy when I had a bad day it wasn't really that bad. Nothing got me depressed. I have also self inflicted myself and honestly me saying this isn't for attention just no one in my personal life knows. I just can't tell people and I just need to get it out because life without her is killing me. I'm never home because all I think about is how alone I am now. She used to be waiting here for me every day after work and now it's just me 

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8 hours ago, KayC said:

Luke,

I am so sorry, I know it's hard.  claribassist has already given you good response.  We get through this one day at a time.  It's important to take good care of yourself even though that may feel like the least of your concerns...it gives you the best chance of getting through this optimally.  Eat healthy, drink water, take walks.  That sounds so trivial, I know, but it's important.  It's also important to seek the help of a professional grief counselor that can help you know where to start and help you look at things that are hard to see right now.  You will undoubtedly cry, feel anger, vent, etc. Know that it's all normal under the circumstances.

You have complicated grief with her taking her life. It's natural to feel responsible for someone we love even though we have no control over what happened.  It's going to be important to learn to let go of guilt feelings or feeling responsible for what you couldn't control.  
http://www.griefhealingblog.com/2013/11/surviving-spouses-suicide.html

http://www.griefhealingblog.com/2012/03/grief-support-for-survivors-of-suicide.html

http://www.griefhealingblog.com/2012/12/grief-and-burden-of-guilt.html

Thank you! I replied bellow just to get maximum responces. But I appreciate everything you're saying just I don't know how to do it 

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claribassist13
4 minutes ago, Luke1313 said:

Honestly I'm trying I just can't. I used to be so worried about my health. I'm 21 and it feels like my life has ended. I think it's because I was finally growing up. Finally going to start my family and I accepted it and wanted it and than boom. That's all gone with her. I drink way to much now, I smoke a pack of cigarettes a day.. I don't eat the greatest. I used to be this guy filled with joy and so much life. The kind of guy when I had a bad day it wasn't really that bad. Nothing got me depressed. I have also self inflicted myself and honestly me saying this isn't for attention just no one in my personal life knows. I just can't tell people and I just need to get it out because life without her is killing me. I'm never home because all I think about is how alone I am now. She used to be waiting here for me every day after work and now it's just me 

Luke, you are only a few months older than I am, and I can relate to how devastating this loss is. 
It's uncommon enough for people our age to find someone we want to spend the rest of our lives with, but to lose that person while we are still so young brings up a whole host of other questions we have to face. 

As much as we wish it, our lives cannot end with theirs. Who else will carry on their memories if not us?

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Looking at it with logic, you need all the help you can get, that's reason to take care of yourself, whereas alcohol not only won't help, it will hurt...it's a depressant, not likely what you need more of.  The cigarettes I understand, they aren't healthy but they are calming.  Have you tried seeing a doctor?  It's important for everyone who has suffered a devastating loss to see their doctor and talk it over with them, just as seeing a grief counselor can help.
I know it isn't for attention, of course not!  We've been there, we know how hard it is to get through the day, the hour, the moment!  Try not to look at "the rest of your life", it's too much right now, just try making it through one more day...

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velvettuberose
22 hours ago, Luke1313 said:

Honestly I'm trying I just can't. I used to be so worried about my health. I'm 21 and it feels like my life has ended. I think it's because I was finally growing up. Finally going to start my family and I accepted it and wanted it and than boom. That's all gone with her. I drink way to much now, I smoke a pack of cigarettes a day.. I don't eat the greatest. I used to be this guy filled with joy and so much life. The kind of guy when I had a bad day it wasn't really that bad. Nothing got me depressed. I have also self inflicted myself and honestly me saying this isn't for attention just no one in my personal life knows. I just can't tell people and I just need to get it out because life without her is killing me. I'm never home because all I think about is how alone I am now. She used to be waiting here for me every day after work and now it's just me 

Hi, Luke!

First of all, my heart hurts for you. 21 and already experiencing this pain. Just like Clari said, you found someone you had chemistry with and that person is gone. Very unfair...

But, listen...I am going to talk about what happened to me 2 weeks ago. A bit about myself...I am 40 years old and lost my husband of 8 years on January 4th, 2016. He had a massive heart attack and died in my arms...the shock of my entire existence. 45 years old and in an excellent physical shape... At least this is what we thought, but look what happened. Almost 8 months since he left...I lost 15 pounds in 2 months; I can't hardly eat, can't sleep without medication ( that's normal in our situation), I have anxiety, I am not comfortable being in public places more than 2 hours.

2 weeks ago, on a Wednesday, I had to call 911 because I had a horrible panic attack; I did not eat anything that day, it was extremely hot, I was stressed from work. I felt that I was going to die. I couldn't breath. I was so scared that I had to call the EMS. 

What happened to me that day made me take a decision. I NEED TO TAKE CARE OF MYSELF. 

You need to do the same. Follow Kay's advice and stop drinking, go see a doctor, a grief counselor. You have to live...for her memory, for the love that you two shared. Yes, life without her does not make sense to you...to all of us who lost our loved ones.  WE don't know why we have to go through this pain, but we have to fight with ourselves.

Reach out to us every time you feel like talking. Don't feel ashamed. 

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On 8/28/2016 at 0:24 AM, claribassist13 said:

Luke, 

Please allow me to express my sincerest condolences. I know that those words are difficult to swallow and mean little in situations like ours, but I have yet to come up with a better way to express it. 

Understand first off that you should not expect yourself to "get through this" within the span of 5 months. There is a reason why in many cultures the grieving are given a whole year to just mourn, and that is because it takes at least that long to fully process what has happened. In cases like ours, where the death was sudden and completely unexpected, that process can take even longer. 
Please know that there is no wrong way to grieve. At this point in time you are probably past the shock/denial aspect of her death, and now the true sorrow is setting in. It also doesn't that you will quickly be approaching the six month mark. 

What sort of things have you done to take care of yourself? Have you been to see a grief counselor? Are you talking with anyone? What does your support network look like? 
If you do not have someone to speak to, I suggest finding someone for that purpose. Talking about your grief and about her is what is going to help you process your grief externally, which will help internally as well. 
The community on this website is pretty fantastic, always supportive, and have a lot of valuable advice and experiences to share. Please reach out to us when you need it. We are all part of a club that no one wants to be in, but we have each other's back. If nothing else, we are a community that can relate to what you are going through. 
Please feel free to reach out to any of us via forum or private messaging. 

 

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Hi Luke my sincere condolences.  I can relate to the pain and adjustment that you are enduring. My boyfriend who live with me for two years commited suicide a month ago today. I have so many questions and no answers ; however I learned during this painful process that when someone makes that choice is nothing you could done to stop it. Like you is hard to sleep, eat, smile.. It hurts to smile. I miss him he was my friend, my lover, my cuddle buddy.. He share his life with me and all that got taken away.. He left me no explanation and I had to find him in our home. And go through all the process and pain and dealing with his family way of grieving. When I am so mad and hurt. No body's life change but mine. I feel broken.. Empty.  But I keep moving forward , I keep working and trying to function. You have to live tge here and now.. You still alive.. Is hard to do .. But I been doing it and is helping. Praying helps.. Listen to music.. Look at the sky... Luke there is not a moment that I would ask for one more day with him.. So I could tell him how much I loved him.. Maybe I did not told him enough..... I am here Luke if you need to vent. Blessings

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On 9/2/2016 at 7:28 AM, sandy12 said:

I learned during this painful process that when someone makes that choice is nothing you could done to stop it.

That is very true. Those who are left behind are not at fault or to blame.  It is something beyond our control.  It is a disease that was too big for them to fight...the disease of depression or other disorders.

I think we all wish we'd have told them I love you more often...that doesn't mean we didn't tell them enough, it's just that now we're out of chances to.  I still tell my husband I love him even though he's been gone eleven years.  Love doesn't die when the body does.

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