my boyfriend committed suicide

[sandy12]

I am new here. My boyfriend who lived with me for almost 2 years committed suicide on 8/2/16.  Yes, very recent. Mt boyfriend had mental illness for long time, he had multiple psychiatric hospitalizations, and mood swings. How ever after his last hospitalization he seemed to be ok, no issues, calmed he was on invega sustenna, he told me he did not have feelings, he could not feel anything. He was sad less active since April. He was attenting his psychiatrist appointments everything seems fine. However he struggle keeping a job which make hin really discouraged. I work 12 hours shift..when i came hom3 he was just sleeping.. I used to get mad a frustrated cause I wanted him to be happy and eat.. Last two weeks he was not eating, he will vomit, I will cook anything he wanted; however at times I was frutruated. I wanted a life with him, happy, get married live and the night before he committed suicide i was asking for that.." can you be that men for me" he was tired , he wanted to go to bed.. I tried to give him motivation I told  him how much I love him. I was so consume with my job, my bills, that I lost it.. I did not see it coming. I should not say anything, I allow him to be sad.. I feel so guilty, he did not leave a note he just quit. I got home from work the next day after I finished my 12 hour shift dead in my garage.. I feel angry and guilty. I think he left mad at me. I have no signs like others that he is near me. His family has felt him. I have not. I just want all this sadness , guilt ,fear and his dead image to get of my head. I lose my friend, my lover and my partner. I was with him in very dark times for him.. And he quit on me.. He quit on us. I been praying, going to church doing Accupucture to help me to heal. I do not want to die.. I just want this pain to go.. Is enough. Everyday is hard. God will heal me; is just hard to understand all this

[velvettuberose]

1 hour ago, sandy12 said:

I am new here. My boyfriend who lived with me for almost 2 years committed suicide on 8/2/16.  Yes, very recent. Mt boyfriend had mental illness for long time, he had multiple psychiatric hospitalizations, and mood swings. How ever after his last hospitalization he seemed to be ok, no issues, calmed he was on invega sustenna, he told me he did not have feelings, he could not feel anything. He was sad less active since April. He was attenting his psychiatrist appointments everything seems fine. However he struggle keeping a job which make hin really discouraged. I work 12 hours shift..when i came hom3 he was just sleeping.. I used to get mad a frustrated cause I wanted him to be happy and eat.. Last two weeks he was not eating, he will vomit, I will cook anything he wanted; however at times I was frutruated. I wanted a life with him, happy, get married live and the night before he committed suicide i was asking for that.." can you be that men for me" he was tired , he wanted to go to bed.. I tried to give him motivation I told  him how much I love him. I was so consume with my job, my bills, that I lost it.. I did not see it coming. I should not say anything, I allow him to be sad.. I feel so guilty, he did not leave a note he just quit. I got home from work the next day after I finished my 12 hour shift dead in my garage.. I feel angry and guilty. I think he left mad at me. I have no signs like others that he is near me. His family has felt him. I have not. I just want all this sadness , guilt ,fear and his dead image to get of my head. I lose my friend, my lover and my partner. I was with him in very dark times for him.. And he quit on me.. He quit on us. I been praying, going to church doing Accupucture to help me to heal. I do not want to die.. I just want this pain to go.. Is enough. Everyday is hard. God will heal me; is just hard to understand all this

I feel your pain, Sandy, and I am truly sorry you have to go through this. I don't think he was mad at you; he just couldn't deal with the mental illness and everything that comes with it: sadness, anger, inability to work . It was hard for you too, but you did not leave him like his family did. You loved him and still do; otherwise, you would not be in such great turmoil. 

I can relate when you say you want the pain to go away. All this people on this site want the same thing. 

Have you tried to see a grief counselor?

[sandy12]

I am seeing a grief counselor, is ok. My pain is bad.. I want my pain gone. His family was far , one of my statements to him was to go home and get better. He did not want to go. His family struggled with him before. They told me he was in a way better, when he met me.   I wish I did more; however my remorse is not going to bring him back. Now I just want to move forward.. And do better,  but my pain enables me from doing that. Is awful. Sometimes I wish I could have a sign thay would tell me everything is ok; I am aware it does not not work like that. I am just trying hard everyday

[KayC]

I am sorry for your pain, sorry for your loss.  I hope you understand that his committing suicide doesn't mean YOU failed.  What was going on with him isn't a reflection on you, it AFFECTS you though, you're the one left trying to deal with it all.  I hope you are seeing a grief counselor, esp. since your grief is complicated.

[sandy12]

54 minutes ago, KayC said:

I am sorry for your pain, sorry for your loss.  I hope you understand that his committing suicide doesn't mean YOU failed.  What was going on with him isn't a reflection on you, it AFFECTS you though, you're the one left trying to deal with it all.  I hope you are seeing a grief counselor, esp. since your grief is complicated.

I am... I am really trying so hard to be normal..

 

[KayC]

Here are a couple of links I thought might be helpful (the website was down earlier):
http://www.griefhealingblog.com/2012/03/grief-support-for-survivors-of-suicide.html

http://www.griefhealingblog.com/2013/11/surviving-spouses-suicide.html

[sandy12]

Thanks ! I still trying to find answers

[KayC]

I hope you noticed all of the links inside the articles of places you can contact, these are organizations for the sole purpose of helping suicide survivors.  It helps to get to know others that have been through it and can share what they have learned and how they get by.  These organizations can broaden your contacts so that you are in touch with others who have been through it.  Take another look, maybe call a couple of them.

[DorisB]

Hello Sandy12,

First I want to say how very sorry I am for your loss. Secondly and sadly I can tell you that I too lost my boyfriend to suicide and I too was the one to find him.  And this was very recent for me..August 22nd.  We had also had a small argument and there was frustration on my part.  The guilt has been  consuming me for weeks but I am now looking at the situation and starting to realize that it was not my fault.  Nor was it yours.  We did the best we could to help someone we loved that struggled with depression.  I know that Dave (my boyfriend) made a decision without thinking of how hurt those left behind would feel. At that particular moment I think he just wanted the emotional pain to stop.  I too think he may have been angry when he did it but I can't beat myself up because I know he would not want me too.  I reread sweet texts he sent to me and I sent to him.  I delete any texts that remind me of arguments because they are irrelevant.    My boyfriend has a son from a previous marriage and I have to be strong for him.  He lives with his mom but still wants the same visitation with me even though his dad is gone.  I loved and still love my boyfriend and will love him until my last day on this earth.  It brings me comfort to know or at least hope that one day I will be with him again.  I take comfort in thinking about the good times as well.  I cry every single day , multiple times a day but its ok to cry and miss him.  We have these terrible feelings because of the love we have for them.  Life will never ever be the same, it is just going to become a new normal , a new life, just different.  People that have not gone through this cannot understand the pain of loss and the added pain of confusion, guilt, anger etc.  I ask myself why did this happen. this didn't have to happen. It is not like he had terminal cancer and I could prepare to loss him or at the very least know what was coming.  this was sudden and a shock and what is worse it was a choice he made.

I could go on and on and on forever talking about it.  Try to not drive yourself insane trying to make sense of it. I am sure he was not  and is not angry at you , 

[KayC]

Doris,

I'm sorry you lost your BF to suicide, and also that you found him, that has to be hard.    You are right that it is not your fault and I'm glad you've come to realize that.  Depression is that invisible disease that wreaks great havoc on those in its path.

Your attitude is good, I hope you've had a chance to find a grief counselor (one who specializes in grief).  This is a good place to come to, I hope you'll continue.

[alexandria328]

Hello. I am so very sorry for your loss, as I am experiencing something suuuuper similar. I'd just like to talk with someone about it who can somewhat relate .... My boyfriend/fiancé/best God damn best friend, Dillon, hung himself in front of me. It began like this. Around 11/2/16, Dillon and I had conceived a baby. We found out around 11/12/16, and were stoked. He was 20, I am 18. We were going through some thing before the baby, and one night we got into it real bad and we eventually just both agreed and said, look. We are about to be parents. Best friends having a baby. Soulmates. We can't be fightin like this with a lil baby! So we wiped the slate completely clean. We were sooooooo perfect from there on out. He had been 3 months sober off of heroin, which he hated doing and I made a promise to him to never ever do it and  never have, and we were so good! He'd wake me up with my medicine all ready for me, we were such a close couple. So goofy together, too. Music lovers. Everything. I'd rub his back, he'd rub mine... Then next thing ya know we're in a tickle fight until we're laughing so hard we have to stop... Then we lost the baby on 11/25/16, and less than an hour after we had lost the baby, he had given in to his friend and relapsed. The next day, he used again. The next day, we met up and he was wicked upset. He told me he refused to use and told his pushy "friends" he refused, and he stuck with it, and all of them must've got real pissed at him or something, because he was clearly choosing to be upset...... We went to his house. We were sitting in the basement I was sitting on the bed he was sitting on the other side in the same room for like 20 minutes he was texting people looking pissed said, "I love you babe," and he said, "yeah whatever" and walked to the other side of the basement where I couldn't see him I'm the laundry room and five minutes later I was getting suspicious as **** and heard the chair fall so I ran in and I was frozen man he was squirming and looked sooo scared... and then all of a sudden the scared look was gone and he looked in peace and stopped squirming and was looking me dead in my eyes the entire time, and I was trying to get him down the whole entire time trying to push him upwards...  But I failed him.... He had no pulse!!! I had to feel him for it...  his tongue was out because he had choked on it. Foam and spit from his mouth. He went from looking scared and spazzing out body-wise to motionless and stiffening... While his eyes were literally locked onto mine!!!! He had no oxygen to his brain for ten minutes. They said he looked dead... That's my best friend my lover my sidekick my therapist my baby... EVERYTHING to each other, everyday, 247, for almost 3 years straight... He didn't want to deal with the demand of the depression from heroin anymore.. I have only ever smoked pot, acid once, and mushrooms once, all with Dill. But I've never had a heroin addiction, so I've always always ALWAYS tried and done my best with him..... He used to live with his mom, and everyone who lives in that house with his mom had disowned him in the middle of July 2016 because I was 17 and on the streets so my sweet Dillon snuck me in a lot and eventually we got caught and kicked out on the streets by his family, rightfully I guess, and we went to stay with a friend for awhile.... His family then threw so much hate at/towards poor Dillon and I because they are all very vicious people, and those words have been said to me by Dill himself... His 15 year old sister, Ashley, would help him sneak me into the house, sometimes even had her friend Talia help me get in, also... Ashley was not supposed to smoke weed, ESPECIALLY in the house, and Dillon and I had unfortunately broke that rule and smoked and Ashley went and smoked with us and even helped me give from the family and everything. After Dillon and I got found and kicked out, his step dad, John, had kicked Dillon's bedroom door a bunch of times and screamed at me to open the door and I tried and tried and realized it was actually broken, I told him and he yells to Dillon's mom, "Dawn go get my sneakers" but before she could even do that he had kicked the door in on me as I was still trying to open it for him and the door came down and pretty much just punched me in the face. From there on out, they slandered the **** out of us. For NO REASON! They all had rage to throw at us in any chance they got, a ride by, walking, whatever. Driving passed us flipping the bird on each hand in the car, yelling "**** you" all the while their 10 yr old McKayla gave me the bird. I thought about throwing his 15 year old sister, Ashley, under the bus for smoking pot without parental permission WITH US, helping sneak me into the house with her brother that GOT KICKED OUT FOR DOING JUST THAT, and I could have also thrown her under the bus for just plain old stupidity and two-facedness. That's grimy yo. Am I wrong? Well, I didn't tell on her because I'm not a child... So, we just simply went to stay with a friend for awhile. After Dillon did the attempt and the police had my dad and step mom who came immediately take me away from the scene because I was hysterical and they said it looked bad and I was already traumatized already... I immediately went to tell his family at his mom's house and as soon as I got to the door Ashley goes right up to it YELLING "why the f is Ali here" and just throwing out little stupid life threats for being there, and his mother, step father, little brother, little sister, and Ashley were all at the door together and his mom goes "what the f do you want" and I said (hysterically) "Dillon just hung himself" and before I could continue speaking Ashley started screaming "you killed my brother" and his mom was screaming "stay the **** away from my son" (like he actually gave any type of **** about them, because he's literally told me millions of times that he didn't) so my dad hopped out of the car and ran up to the porch and asked what was the problem and said how I was just trying to inform them about their child, and his step father John karate kicked me in my belly and I went flying off the porch... Which the family is all now testifying lies for John saying how he can't even lift his leg or some bullshit. Now I was nice enough to tell his mom who completely disowned him and she signed papers at the hospital for no info to be given out so for a whole week while he was in the ICU having heart attacks and his heart stopping on and off, I was freaking out because that is my sweet baby boy. I went there they told me nothing, they wouldn't let me in... I'm never gonna be able to hold him, hear his voice, touch his skin, hold his hand, feel him rub my hair... He had 90% brain damage. He had multiple heart attacks. Heart stopped and came back. I haven't been the same since 11/27/16. It's made me question everything: God, Heaven and Hell, love, reality... Now I unfortunately don't really even believe in any of those things anymore... I have already lost 13 pounds. I have thought of suicide.  I've felt like I need to be admitted to a mental hospital. I haven't been able to get a job. Or eat right. It's hard to know I lost my baby... I'm currently jobless, moneyless, and I know someday I'll have to get out on my own... I have no motivation to try anymore. Something inside of me died that day. The only emotion that seems real to me is sadness. I don't remember who I used to be anymore, because I can't feel anything but sadness... Honestly,  I can't even express in words just how messed up it is to have something like this happen. How it ruins every single aspect of your life, how it ruins you inside. Everything you thought you once knew, you don't anymore. Your whole previous reality, past and future, is shattered. Usually id think maybe having an experience like this might change me for the better. Maybe realize how precious life is or something to that. I now know, though, that it doesn't, even though before this I believed it was. I just keep seeing him hanging there...!!!! N I have these weird like breathing spasms n then it's gone but it always pops back into my mind seeing him like that... It is literally making me freak out with weird attacks. I miss him SO BAD. His family hated him, he goes and dies, and somehow  magically becomes "oh so loved." His mother texted me a few days after he had died pretending to be him alive. His whole family had blasted me all over the internet for being a murderer... Help me please... I am also on Facebook at Ali Blaze Griffin.

[KayC]

Alexandria,

I am sorry for your loss, what you have been through is horrible, beyond anything anyone should ever go through.  It's more than we're equipped to deal with her, I really really hope you'll get some professional help dealing with this, someone who can help you figure where to even start.  I hope you'll continue to read and post here meanwhile, but you really do need someone that can help you through all you're dealing with.
 

His family is striking out at you because it's easier to blame an outsider than to take responsibility for their part in their son's situation.  It's a family situation, not just a Dillon problem.  Think about it, Dillon has lived with these people all of his life and these histrionics didn't just start, they've been there all along while he was growing up, they had their affect on him.
 

I'm sorry you lost your baby too.  That in itself is more than enough to deal with.  I hope you've seen a doctor since, and had a D & C so you don't get infection.  

There are professional grief counselors that charge according to income, if you're homeless, you shouldn't have to pay.  Try calling mental health in your area and see if you can get in.  They're there to help.
 

I wish you all the best going forward.  I know it's so hard knowing he's in there and not able to reach him, but even his family probably can't with this much brain damage, who knows.  
 

Saying a prayer for Dillon...for you too.  It's so incredibly sad, your best friend, that's just so hard.   (((hugs)))

[Chasisdope]

9 hours ago, KayC said:

 

His family is striking out at you because it's easier to blame an outsider than to take responsibility for their part in their son's situation.  It's a family situation, not just a Dillon problem.  Think about it, Dillon has lived with these people all of his life and these histrionics didn't just start, they've been there all along while he was growing up, they had their affect on him.

KayC, this is so true. My husband's family also have blamed me for his cancer and we're talking about cancer here. People will blame others so that they can justify their own neglect towards that family member. 

My husband's mom, was with him when he took his last breath. As far as I have been told by his father, his mother was the reason why he had a cardiac arrest. She speeded up his death. She kept going at it with him over me. And I am his legally wedded wife with a three year old together and that didn't concern her. My husband had my back all the way. And what I'm saying is that I totally agree with KayC about blame shifting. I was treated like crap the whole time, but I never said anything. It was mostly hatred by words nothing physical. No one gets physical with me. I don't care who and what situation I'm in and they know that so they wouldn't. I had episodes with my mother in law where she threw pots and pans at me and I threw a wine glass at her. Yes, I regret it and would never get that low again. So, I would call the police if anyone tries to hurt me. 

Alexandria, I'm so sorry. I really am. If I was there with you, I would definitely have your back. You didn't kill him! You loved him! You loved him the best you could. When someone chooses suicide, we can never know what really went through their mind. I have attempted it myself when I was a teenager and ended up in the ICU for weeks, almost required a liver transplant. Then I realized, I better fight, no one was going to do a better job than me at being a mom to my little girl at the time. 

Sandy, it's not your fault and there was nothing you could have done to change what was going through his head. I attempted suicide by overdosing on tylenol. Luckily, I survived. My mom attempted suicide by hanging. Fortunately she was found soon enough by me and my father so she made it. My sister's best friend committed suicide by overdose of tylenol and passed in 2013. We do suffer from some form of depression. Even now, I feel suicidal. The only thing that's keeping me is my children and the eagerness to prove to those haters that they're wrong and that the love I have for my lover is infinite. I live my life in his honor now. I always screen shot our sweet messages to one another and share it on face book. It gets them jealous, mad or whatever the case. Idc, it makes me happy because I am true to myself and have no reason to lie about my love or grief. 

[alexandria328]

On 12/13/2016 at 9:38 AM, KayC said:

I wish you all the best going forward.  I know it's so hard knowing he's in there and not able to reach him, but even his family probably can't with this much brain damage, who knows. 

I really appreciate it. He did die, though, on 12/4/16. Not sure if you knew

[KayC]

I'm sorry.