Holidays

[socal2010]

What are your plans for dealing with the upcoming holidays?

I'm already dreading it. I know my family will want to celebrate. They will joke around and have small talk about their kids and blah blah blah. They will bring up my Mom and probably tell some funny stories, but I'm not in that frame of mind yet. I deal with grief different than my family. They all moved on. For me, I was extremely close to my Mom so it's not that easy to enjoy anything. I especially don't want to be with a large group of people. It's only been 6 weeks since she's gone.

I'm sure my family will be offended that I don't want to see them. They will probably insist on it somehow. That's how they are, they don't respect my wishes because they think it's healthier to have a family get-together.

I'm not sure if I should care what they think or just do what is comfortable for me.

 

[angel44]

i plan  on taking everything one day at a time - the last few xmas's easter's etc i havent celebrated at all - and i dont see myself doing so in the future either - i guess w/o mom i just am not a holiday type person at all --- i wish there werent any holidays they just remond of us of our loss for the last few years no one one in my immediate family exchange any gifts at all etc - thats fine with me - i think the holidays for little kids etc - no regular people like us - who have lost so much

[angel44]

do what you feel like ---  they arent the ones greiving

[cloudsaj]

I too am not looking forward to the holidays....especially thanksgiving as it will be two years to the day on thanksgiving.   I'm thinking i will just spend the day alone and go visit her at the cemetery.  It still sucks and still unsure of what to do.  I know my family will also probably try to get me to come visit, but I am still trying to work through the loss of my mom and best friend.  I miss you and love you mom. 

thinking of you all during this hard time for all

cloudsaj

[socal2010]

My Dad died near Thanksgiving too. The holidays definitely take on a different meaning now. I used to love Thanksgiving and Christmas. Now they are a source of pain for me.

I guess I should feel lucky that last Christmas with my Mom was really special. Maybe someday that will comfort me. I just can't believe that was the last time I ever get to see her for Christmas.

I get so angry because I know so many people who don't even like seeing their parents for the holidays. They think of it as a chore. Yet, for someone like me who saw her Mom every Christmas, I don't get to be with her.  Life feels so unfair and sad to me now.

 

[silverfrost424]

Yeah, I know the pain. I never liked getting together with my extended family, and now that my mom's freshly dead, they'll insist upon it. It'll be healthy, they'll say.

My mother did most of the cooking for the part of my family that lives in this city. I'm not sure who will be doing it this Thanksgiving and Christmas. I'm the only person that my mother imparted cooking wisdom to, but I really have no intention to spend too much time with my extended family. My young, impulsive mind desires nothing more than to run away to Brazil and sojourn with a Native tribe that's only made contact with foreigners twice in the last century, perhaps become a priestess or something. I want to be as far away from the life I lived with my mom, from the people and things that remind me of her, and holidays and other large family gatherings seem about as far from my wants or needs as a root canal.

I guess what I mean to say is that from my limited experience, I'd say that if you're not ready to be around family, you should really take care of yourself psychologically. You need to take care of you in ways that they may not understand.

I wish I'd heed my own advice...

[socal2010]

If I didn't have an elderly stepdad to worry about, I'd be on the first plane to anywhere. I can't leave him though so that limits things. I guess it might be "healthier" to see family but I'm kind of mad at some people right now so instead of me sulking and making little comments to them, I think it's better for me not to be there.

If I thought they were grieving like I am, it would be different. But they aren't, they all moved on with their lives. They are fairly cold people who tend to only think about their own lives. They are the type of people who can joke around and laugh even when someone they say they love has just died.

Anyway......we'll see I guess.

Silver, if I were you and had more freedom, I'd go to Brazil for the holidays in a heartbeat!

 

 

[angel44]

I get so angry because I know so many people who don't even like seeing their parents for the holidays. They think of it as a chore. Yet, for someone like me who saw her Mom every Christmas, I don't get to be with her.  Life feels so unfair and sad to me now.

 

If I thought they were grieving like I am, it would be different. But they aren't, they all moved on with their lives. They are fairly cold people who tend to only think about their own lives. They are the type of people who can joke around and laugh even when someone they say they love has just died.

 

This is how i feel exactly, last night my sister even told me my mom did things to her horses to get even with her when she was a kid etc. I felt like telling her off right there but didnt as i dont want to fight with her at all. She always has something bad to say about my mom.

[socal2010]

[user=33643]angel44[/user] wrote:

This is how i feel exactly, last night my sister even told me my mom did things to her horses to get even with her when she was a kid etc. I felt like telling her off right there but didnt as i dont want to fight with her at all. She always has something bad to say about my mom.

It seems like there are people who need to make the person who passed away the "bad guy" --- It's really disgusting. The person isn't here to defend themselves so it's so wrong to bring up anything negative. I have noticed that my sister has also made a comment here or there about my Mom being hard to please or overcritical. I think these types of comments are the person trying to rationalize the loss so they don't feel as bad about it as they should. My siblings SHOULD feel extremely guilty for many things they did over the years to my Mom, yet they don't. She was a great Mom and they were LUCKY to have her. I doubt they will ever realize this because they are so self-absorbed and cold.

[angel44]

social  i agree. My sister was so cold and ruthless to my mom in every way, she even tried to drug her when there was money to be had, lots of it. Long story i dont want to go into, but she made my moms life a real hell. Now she bad mouths her every chance she gets. I am so sick of it, i dont know what to say to her, so i just change the subject and leave. But its at th epoint that i feel like saying something, but i know if i do there will be a fight, thats how the sister is, she likes to physically fight and has hit me before, when she tried to fight with my mom and got my mom cornered and was screaming at her, this was when my mom was so ill and sick that she should have been in the hospital. My mom could hardly stand up and get out of bed and here the sister was there and trying to i think hit her. When i jumped up and stood in the way and had the phone and said go or i call the cops now ! She turned and hit me hard, i had blood in my ears also, as i went to the dr the next day. She hit me in the eye.

Any ways you see what kind of daughter she was. I ran out of our apt and down the hall bc she acted like she was running after me, and she did somewhat run after me a neighbor opened up his door and let me in. I was so afraid for my mom but sisters anger was turned onto me so my mom was safe and ok. At least with my mom gone she doesnt have to live in fear of my sister or father.

 They both tormented my mom her last few years in many ways. I feel like my mom died bc of them and my aunt agreed with me, in fact my aunt brought that up one day (not me) that my mom died bc of them two.  She died heart broken over them and their behavior. And it was so bad here where we lived and (where i still live on the floor in a apt building above them), that she just sort of gave up in life. I agree. It was that bad, my mom was to ill to even think about attempting a move, plus we didnt have a car or the finances for one at all. Where we were at she was very close to the hospital and dr. So we unfortunately stayed, i think if we had been able to move it would have changed her outlook and she would have lived longer and maybe gotten better. She hated it here so badly and was so depressed by her surroundings. It was and still is a low income building. There were a lot of bad things going on here and still are. Its ok i can handle it as i have a car and am healthy enough to leave for the day and get away from here.

But she wasnt that way with no car and with her so very ill with her heart and lungs and other serious health things she was just  like a prisoner here. I feel very sad and grieved over that, i know she is ok now, buts it hard to just snap out of it and be ok with what she went thru here. She really suffered here a whole lot. There were so many times that she was so ill she barely pulled thru it here. She was never (seriously) ill till she lived here.  We moved here bc of her health problems and etc in 1994 and never left it.  She wasnt feeling well and had pnemonia and yes it was a bad one but that a few other minor things is what got us here to this building.  Any illness she had, had magnified here.

She passed in 2007. I am hoping to leave here in  few months if things go right. I have thought a lot about going to live in another city with my husband and aunt but its very HOT there in the summer, in nevada. I hate the heat and cant take it i feel like i will puke or pass out in it if it gets like 85 or 90. To me thats hot, so i dont know how well i would fare there, but it is very enticing to just leave and go there with my husband and cat and car.

I have a fair amount of furniture that i dont want to give away donate etc, i want to keep what i have, i spent a fair amount of time getting it and finding. So i dont knowwhat i will do, and the idea of a u haul and my car going there doesnt sound good to me at all. I guess i should visit there and see how i feel, if i feel good there or sad there, what the city feels like.  My husband would have to stay here to keep at work every day but i could go alone and see what i thought of it all.  It is something i will keep in mind.

 

 

 

[swanwomyn]

The holidays are tough for me as well. My dad passed away a few days before Christmas in 1990 and we had the service on Christmas Eve.  My mom passed away the Sunday before last Thanksgiving. 

So, I have all the major holidays covered. I don't know what I am going to do this year. I had hoped that I would have a partner and that we might slip away to Sedona or Manchu Picchu and not have to deal with extended family or well meaning friends that can really find the vulnerable spots to punch you.  Or that I might become part of her family and be "adopted."

But, that ain't gonna happen.  But I don't want to spend the holidays by myself.  I live near a large metro area, so I am sure that there are some things going on for "orphans."  The holidays were always the best time of the year.

So sorry for others also going thru this.

[angel44]

Swan - HuGs

[silverfrost424]

When I look on my youngest brother who is only 11, I wonder how things will be for him during the sullen holidays. He's able to cope fairly all right because he's certain he'll see his mother again when he dies, and because he's got his mother's understudy (me) here. But after this year, I won't be here any longer. I'm planning to leave the country in a few months' time, and returning for every holiday will not be an option. When it's just him and my sick, depressed father, I figure this can't be the healthiest upbringing for him. He's already so sensitive. I know this can build character for him and hopefully help him to develop well.

I feel guilty. I got almost 23 years with my mom. My brother only got 11. I'll admit, I'm a bit worried.

Okay, so I got a bit off topic >.< That wasn't intentional.

[puppyface]

If I had it my way I would completely forget about Christmas this year. I don't want to celebrate. I don't want to see people happy because I am not.

 

The other day I heard the song "It's the most wonderful time of the year."  The song is so annoying to me now. And I actually felt some guilt because I never realized how hard it is to hear a song like that when you don't have your entire family here to celebrate. I feel like that song is a slap in the face to all those who have lost someone they love.

[cloudsaj]

hi everyone 

just wanted to say I'm right there with you on not caring much at all for the holidays.  this past thursday(thanksgivng to be exact) marked the two year anniversay of my mom passing away.  I miss her so much and can't believe it's been that long.  I really do like coming to this site as I know I am not alone in how I am feeling.  Even though it's been just over two years it's still hard all the time and it hurts when others (lke family/friends) feel I should be over it and that its time to move on.  I just feel like it's hard to believe that I'll never see her again the rest of my life and I'm just 26 years old(24 when she passed. 

Hope everyone else is doing well.  Thinking about you all and sending good thoughts. 

cloudsaj