Lost without my love

[Karin]

I'm not sure why I'm writing here maybe because I don't know what to do or maybe I'm just looking for someone who can understand what I'm going through. I don't understand myself.

Three weeks ago my love was taken from me. He was the love of my life, the one, my everything, my soulmate. He died in our home and I found him laying there, I tried to wake him up and he wouldn't respond. We planned on having a baby soon, to get married, buy a house, and so much more. All our/my dreams, hopes, and plans died with him. I feel like I died with him, only I'm not allowed to follow him, I have to stay behind. I only got to have him for 1 year 1 month and 26 days. But it felt like we had known each other our entire lives. He said he fell in love with me the moment he met me, and I knew he was the one. He was the light in my darkness. He saved me and I couldn't save him. I feel guilty because I should have been better, I should have saved him. 

I miss him more than I can express. Everything reminds me about him or I'll think this would he love or I have to tell him about this, and then I remember I can't. Every morning I wake up and when I realize he's not here with me I wish I never woke up. 

I feel like he is still alive, although I know he is not. I am now lost in darkness.. 

[green7]

Karin, 

please allowe me to say how sorry I'm for your loss. All the feelings you're experiencing are normal, it's been only three weeks since you lost your love. Like you, I was with my boyfriend for one year and it feels like it was an entire life. I know the pain of wanting to die, the frustration of waking up every day even all I wanted to do was to die and be with him. I felt guilty for all the things I could've done for him and I didn't. For all the things I should've said and I didn't. I'm still trying to get rid of that feeling of guilt. I want you to know that you're not alone. Here, you can relate to people who are going through the same, and you can talk freely about how you feel. When I'm feeling down I come here and I always find lots of support. No one will judge you or rush you to get better.  Grieving is a hard process, I would encourage you to get help and find people you can trust and you can talk to. It took me a long time to understand that I need help to go through this horrible part of my life. My hear goes out to you Karin and if sometime you need talk we all are here for you. 

[KayC]

Karin,

I'm sorry you lost the love of your life and are struggling now.  You have only just started on this journey, we do learn to adjust little by little and get better at coping along the way.  It can feel overwhelming in the beginning.  Try not to expect too much of yourself, baby steps.  

Guild is also a common feeling, so many of us rehash the end, what could have been done different.  The truth is, nothing we could have said or done might have changed anything, we can't know.

http://www.griefhealingblog.com/2012/12/grief-and-burden-of-guilt.html

[Karin]

Thank you for your kind words. And I am sorry for your losses too. I feel like a huge part of me is missing and i keep thinking he's gone and yet I can't really understand that he is never going to come back. I miss his strength and how he held me close, I miss everything about him even the little annoying things. I don't know what too say or write really I just know I miss him so much and I wish I could be with him. We did everything together and he would come with me everywhere and I wish I could go with him now. 

Everyone are telling me it will get better, you will find love again and be happy, you have to do things, you have to keep living. But I don't feel like I will, I don't really want to do anything without him, nothing seems important anymore, all I want is to be with my love.

[KayC]

5 hours ago, Karin said:

Everyone are telling me it will get better, you will find love again and be happy, you have to do things, you have to keep living.

IMHO, I think it's inappropriate to tell you this.  Our grief journey continues, but it evolves, it does not stay in the same intensity, thank God or we couldn't handle it.  The missing them goes on but the pain diminishes eventually...the love never goes away.  When my husband first passed away, mere thoughts of him brought intense pain!  Now thinking about him brings me comfort and a smile...but it's been quite a while too.  It's not the passage of time alone that brings healing, but it's important to do our grief work.  I saw a grief counselor, joined a forum, expressed myself in writing and art, watched videos on grief, meditated, read books, etc.  Everything we do that helps propel us in this journey is another step towards healing.  It's exhausting so it's important to take good care of ourselves, eat healthy, drink water, take walks, and yes, get out little by little.