Lost my Fiance 7/26/16

[Alexya]

I've been up and down like a roller coaster, and mostly down.

I don't know how to cope with this. I don't know what to do to feel better, but I don't want to feel better. I don't know if that makes any sense.

I want to feel the loss, he was my everything. But I don't want to feel the pain, that heart retching near vomiting pain. The inability to breathe.

It was a sudden loss. I had been with him the night before, bowling. We had so much fun. But the next morning, that was it. I didn't even know. I had been going on with my day as if everything was alright. I wake up at 6 am, I'd be lucky to get him out of bed at 11 or 12. We didn't live together, not at the moment, but our relationship was still thriving. I saw him every day, he drove me to work, brought me home, he'd stayed for a few hours or we'd go eat dinner after work. Then he'd go home, which was only five minutes away. I'd call him before bed, exchange goodnights and kisses(which I did the night before he passed)

I play video games, but most of them I played with him. I can't play those right now, it rips me open.

I downloaded a game I used to play a long time ago and for a few hours of playing, I felt fine. I was cutting up with people and catching myself laughing. But the moment I took my headphones off, and looked at his favourite pillow, I realized for the last three hours, I had completely forgotten him. It had felt like a normal day for a small sliver of time, and it destroyed me.

How could I have forgotten? It had only been five days ago. I don't know if I want to play the game anymore, even though it relieved my emotions. This was only an hour ago.

I'm lost, I don't know what to do. I don't want to wallow, I don't want to hide in my room under the blankets. He always hated it when I got depressed and hid from the world. He said it broke his heart. I don't want him to look down at me and see that.

He was my guiding force, he helped me in all my decision makings: new jobs, clothing, new friends, new activities, absolutely anything that I had to choose. I was never good at making decisions. I am that fool that takes an hour to pick out a black t-shirt.

He spoiled me with that, because now, I can't make a single decision. I sit here and stare, hoping to hear him tell me whats the right thing to do, or the pros and cons of each decision.

 

 

Do I play the video game, and make myself feel better, which in the end makes me feel guilty?

Or do I lay in bed and watch his favourite shows and just sob all day, but in the end makes me miserable and debilitated?

[ModKonnie]

Well, I'm not one for deliberately going out of my way to feel miserable. If you want to play the video game, then play it knowing he would be having fun too playing it. He wouldn't want  you to be miserable, so don't be miserable. 

ModKonnie

[good-doer]

Hello All,

I've been through some rough times lately and I feel as if God is leaving me. I dislike being depressed as my depression outcries to those around me and creates negative energy.

I am humble and just trying to get through everything - so any help from good folks would be appreciated.

gofund.me/va9j5g64