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Lost my Love


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I honestly don't know if this is the correct thread, but I wanted to let it out. It's just a rambling, with many different thoughts.


I've been in mourning for five days.

The man I loved for eight years was ripped away from my suddenly. My heart has been ripped open.

I felt closure at the funeral, but after, I felt my first burst of anger, and it was at myself.

We had a unique sex life, filled with aggression and release of pent up emotions. We "made love" only twice, neither of us were romantics.

I have a dominant stance in bed(had come out lesbian before I met him), but with him, my entire being submitted to him. Our honeymoon period lasted years, well over half our relationship.

But after so long(two years ago), my dominance was pent up and I began to push him away on his advances. Not because I didn't want to be with him at that moment, but because I wanted him to rip that stubbornness from me. I told him only once, in the beginning of the change.

It worked, but the stubbornness never went away. I still pushed him away, in the same manner as always.

I feel it was selfish, he had health conditions, and his energy level declined. Yet, most time he wanted, I was stubborn. Not all the time, though.

i feel anger at myself for making him go without so many times because I was too blind to see that he might have been too tired that day to deal with my ****.

The night before he passed was one of those nights. He was tired but he didn't show it. I was drunk, I was being difficult.

In the morning, the tides changed, as they usually did and I was messaging him, telling him I wanted him, that he should come over. I was so riled up, I had missed my chance that night, but I still wanted it.

It had been a week since we had sex. I felt I needed him so bad.

Then he was gone.

That pent up need for release is still there, and I'm a mourning mess. I can't do it, I can't make myself release, because the moment I close my eyes to relax, I remember, so vividly, our sex. Then sorrow just crashes over me.

Its a vicious circle and it feels like torture.

How do I deal with this?

The man I dated since I was 15 was gone, I'm 23 now, turning 24. I built my life around him by every single form of the term. He was on disability, hardly got 700$ a month(only 500 for the first six years). I Had to work, I bought him everything he wanted, even a beast of a PC for over a grand(which I'm still paying for on a credit card). I paid for all of our dates, I paid for anything and everything. I even supported us in our own apartment for a year til I lost my job(at only 19, I did this).

All of my foundation was him. Any decision I made was ran by him for any opinions he had. He would call me on my **** when I did wrong, made a bad choice and didn't run it by him. "That's what I'm here for." Is what he would say.

just a month and a half ago, I got a promotion at work, making $11 an hour. I was three an hour away from being able to pay for an apartment again.

i started working out, since serving made me drop 25 pounds, I pushed for more loss. I did it because he was getting depressed, and I was trying to beam at him about how much better I feel. That after I work out, I could conquer the world. Eventually, a total of 40 pounds were gone, I dropped two pants sizes.

My plan had worked, it got him motivated, up and active. I took him to Academy Sports and he agreed to a stationary bike. He began to use it, and he got better. He started out at five minutes a day, eventually got up to thirty. He began to tone so quickly, his confidence boosted.

Finally he was out of the house, walking with me at the park, going out to dinner once a week, going bowling, going to the movies. He wanted to go do laser tag after his nephew flew back home. He even started painting and playing music again. I was so elated. I thought there would be hope for his well being.

He went bowling with his nephew and I six days ago. He had so much fun, I drank too much beer so he took me home. I was difficult, I pushed off his advances.

Then he was gone.

How do I deal with this?

I don't let the sadness take me. I let it crash, overwhelm, but flow over me, not wash me away with the rip tide. I'm grieving, but I don't know how to do it.

I'm told to let it take me over, I'm told to write, I'm told to take boxing or mma classes, I'm told to go out to a club and drink, I'm told to go to a therapist, I'm told to go to the doctor and get something to help the pain, I'm told to work over time, I'm told to go out with friends, I'm told to be with my family, I'm told to be with his family, I'm told to go jogging, I'm told to ****, I'm told to rebound, I'm told to binge watch his favourite shows, I'm told to read his favourite books, I'm told to go to school, I'm told to eat his favourite foods, I'm told to hide under blankets.

I wish he was here, to grab my face like he always did when my anxiety panic disorder kicked in, force me to look him in the eye, and say "I love you. Everything will be okay, baby. Have I ever been wrong?" Then he'd help me take deep breaths to stop the on coming hyperventilation. He'd hold me til my breathing was even and the tears were gone, no matter if it took two hours or five minutes.

I took care of him financially, but he took care of me on much more profound levels. I relied on him as my strong pillar. To keep me going when I stressed too much and my disorder took me over. It was hard a lot for me, working all the time, I was, and am so young. I'd come home and he'd make it all better.

He allowed me my space, to move in with my aunt cause she lived not even two miles away. So I could be free on some of my days off, but I'd still see him every day.

every single day.

How do I over come this?

Im not religious. I'm a free thinker, and so was he. We both sought knowledge. We watched so many documentaries together. We played music together, him on guitar, me on bass. We played video games together, we did art together. We read books together. We did puzzles together. Our interests were aligned so perfectly. We were best friends. We were a year from common law marriage.

I was never able to give him a child. I wanted to so bad. We tried so hard. I wanted something to have that was a part of him when he passed. I knew he wouldn't be around forever, he was a heart transplant recipient. His health was on the line every single day.

I wanted one more hug, one more nasty kiss because his lips were bigger than mind and sloppy, one more time for him to lay his head in my lap and to pet his head, one more time for him to tease me about my perfectionist attitude, one more laugh. Oh god, his laugh was so uplifting. He laughed so much.

I worshiped him. It wasn't until he passed I found out how much he worshipped me. His mom and sisters favourite topic is how much he talked about me, how much he praised me, how much he bragged when I wasn't around. How hard I'd been working, how much weight I had lost, how my cigarette smoking slowed down. How I was planning on college, how I was on video games, how well I drew.

Hearing that, I guess selfishly, makes me feel better. I was trying to get my life right, to stop wasting money on smokes, on too many snacks. That I lost so much weight that my knee wasn't hurting anymore, or my back. My feet hurt less at work, so I could work more. To have a child, to settle down. I only pursued that promotion for that reason.

I honestly don't know what else to say right now. Maybe if I feel better, I might post his memories.

The picture is the last one I ever took with him, the night before.image.jpeg

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I am sorry for your loss, Alexya. There are enough people on this forum who can speak about their grief.

Whatever you do, don't do anything to hurt yourself. I would start going to a grief counselor. Drinking and other unhealthy habits will not help you with the pain. Writing about your lost love would help. 

Advice...Do not listen to how others are telling you to grieve. Unless, they have been through the experience of losing a loved one.

Follow your instinct.

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You're very early in your grief, it's a long journey and it's not uncommon to experience anger, regret, guilt, and so much more.  There is no easy fix for grief because it's not abnormal, it's something we have to go straight through and experience in order to heal.  As velvet advised, I second, please see a grief counselor.  They are trained to help you through this maze of grief which is very hard to navigate without one.  

Alcohol is a depressant so it's something to avoid in grief because we can feel depressed easy enough without it.  It's not clinical depression, it's grief, but it can sure feel similar!

Doing something to honor him is helpful.  Everyone chooses that differently, but in some way unique to him, unique to you, being true to your self.

It helps to express yourself and this is a good place to know you are heard.  Sometimes others who have not experienced loss in such a profound way can be really clueless, say inappropriate things.  Try to let it go off your back and come up with some mantra to repeat to them when they say something stupid ("I will grieve in my own way, but thank you for your concern"), it helps to have something prepared in advance as it can really catch you off guard.

Take good care of yourself...eat healthy, drink water, go for walks/runs, relieve stress, find a place to scream.  Grief brains need all the help they can get so nutrition, etc. is important especially at this time...all the more so when you could care less.

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I am so very sorry to hear how much pain you are in. I've expressed before on this site that "sorry's" and "condolences" can often seem trite in midst of the profound bitterness of grief; however, they are often all we have to offer someone who has lost much more than can ever be replaced, so please do allow us all to offer you our sincerest condolences. Unfortunately, we here are all very familiar with the feelings you are describing. Grief has a way of seeming so intensely unique and personal; however, in my opinion at least, there is some reprieve in knowing you are not the first person who has endured this kind of loss, and you (again, unfortunately) certainly won't be the last.

It sounds like your relationship was an enormous part of your life, and that this has caused much of your normal activity to come to a screeching halt. This is something I can certainly identify with. Experience a loss this brutal at such a young age has a way of spinning your life into a completely foreign, uncomfortable orbit. I'm 22 and lost my high school sweetheart to cancer, then my college sweetheart to a motorcycle accident. It's safe to say you may find it hard to relate to most other people your age for awhile. This can be one of the hardest parts of healing - the realization that suddenly, your life and those of your closest friends seem to have very little in common. Fortunately, it is in these difficult moments that we grow so much as individuals. You sound like an amazingly strong, confident young woman. It won't be easy, but you will survive and even, someday, learn to thrive again.

In the meantime, be sure to take care of yourself. One of the best pieces of advice on grieving that I have ever received is to simply give yourself permission to feel everything - that means the pain, the loneliness, the sadness and frustration; also, the glimpses of joy that will slowly return to your life, gratitude for the love and support of those who care about you, an appreciation for the immense value and love your relationship brought into your life, and forgiveness toward yourself for your perceived errors and flaws. That last one can be difficult. You mentioned that it's hard for you to think back on all the times you feel like you let your boyfriend down in some way; I have played that game with myself many times, and suffice it to say that those thoughts exist only to further torture you with guilt and regret on top of your already-too-heavy grief. Please be gentle on yourself. You probably did make some mistakes in your relationship - we all do, especially when you were with the same person for so long, through so many of life's little changes. However, he loved you. Though his life may have been cut too short, you were the person he chose to spend his limited days with. You were the person he wanted to wake up to, to share his interests with, to explore his sexuality with, to make memories with. If he experienced your "mistakes" and still recognized that you were worth loving and living life with, then you should honor his memory by nourishing your spirit with that some love and respect that he had for you. (I'm sorry if that's wordy; it's a very complicated set of feelings that are certainly not easy to express verbally.)

This is a wonderful group of people who want to help you through one of the most difficult experiences you will ever have. Welcome. Please keep returning and checking in with us, and let us all know how you're doing. With love, support, and sincere sympathy,



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I think I'm doing alright. I know I'm not my best, but I am able to think about what to do from now on. I have my moments of the same pain, but it's not nearly as constanfly.

I've accepted it, and I am doing my best to make it a day at a time. I let myself be distracted by shows and games, though games him and I never played together.

It does hurt thinking I've already started forgetting what it felt like to hug him. No more back rubs when I'm achy from work, no more "everything will be alright, have I ever be wrong before?"

I feel alone, I just want someone I can cling to. He comforted me right now to my soul when my mental handicaps reared their ugly head. It's hard dealing with it on my own. My chest physically hurts from the front, to my back randomly. Like a spear just went through me.

I try to breathe through it and not get swept up. I never let thoughts that pain me stay for long, especially if they're making me cry really bad. I do let myself cry, but not to the point that I am nearly hyperventilating myself is what I mean.

I have some good friends, and a great family around me(his too). I've had support, and his friends have started to become consistent in my life. I even have a friend who went through the same thing I did, except it was a car accident. It kind of felt good to actually cry with someone who recognized my pain and was willing to tell me the truth that it will never go away, it will always hurt, but it will get easier to deal with.

I talk to him every morning, spontaneously through the day. I'm not religious, I'm not praying, I just randomly spurt out that I love and miss him, I might cry for a second, but it's quick, and makes me feel a little pressure relief.

I have a few of his this. I'd like more, but his mother won't give up. I don't blame her, in the least. One day, I might be able to have the PC I'm still paying for, or the bass guitar he got me. That was the most expensive thing he was ever able to buy me. He was proud of it, I could play music with him, that made him even more excited.

I want to keep playing, he loved playing music. He was so good at guitar. I loved listening to him play, he even had his own songs. Just the music, no lyrics. I wish I had recordings of him playing it, and I'm hoping there could be something on his PC, but I doubt it.

I will be better, I'm determined to use this freed time to continue my excersing, quit smoking cigarettes, try to become more social, go to school. I bought a car yesterday, to continue working at the same place. They've worked with me so well.

Dating seems foreign, but it doesn't pain me. Charles always knew I preferred women, he'd let me fill my needs as necessary. Maybe that is what is making me feel more comfortable with the thought. Idk, but it's making me wonder on how I should even go about being single in general, not even just dating.

I have so much time. I never realized how much I talked to him on the phone, played games with him, watched tv with him, went to the store with him, texted, helped, got things for, went for walks with, went to friends. Every single day, between him and work, I had no time to do other things I enjoyed. Never had time to write, or draw. To learn Spanish. To go out with my friends, not just his.

I will figure everything out as I go though.

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This keeps me through the day. He laughed that big everyday, and it's the only picture I have of that. It was our first Fourth of July together with my family after I had turned 18. He was so happy to finally be accepted by them.image.jpeg

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Beautiful picture, BTW!  Try not to worry about what you've forgotten, we get "grief brain" but some of it can be temporary.  It's been eleven years for me and I still remember what my husband sounded like, felt like, smelled like, I'm sure you will too.

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