Dating too soon???

[Alina0815]

So I lost my boyfriend on March 8th 2016. It was unexpected. Motorcycle crash. I was and still am devastated. I didn't cope well at first at all, I was such a mess. Looking back now, I took it so much harder than I ever would have imagined. I turned to all the wrong things to kill the pain and tried to avoid life at all costs. We were living together at the time and he was basically like a father to my son. 

Well fast forward to now, and I'm just starting to get my life back together. I'm not doing any of the negative things I was doing before. I'm putting myself back in the world and starting to think about my goals again. I'm 20 years old and haven't even given other guys a second thought - until this past weekend. There was this guy who had been asking to take me out to eat and I'd just ignore him until I finally decided to give it a shot even if just in a friendly way. Well turns out, I'm starting to have feelings for him I think. It's weird because I'm always so sure of my feelings, but I guess after everything, I just have no idea what I'm feeling. But it feels to me like I might be starting to like the guy. It's very obvious to me that he likes me, he doesn't try to hide it. I actually don't know if he even knows what happened with my last boyfriend to be honest. He wants to go out again this weekend. Should I go? Should I turn him down out of respect for my passed boyfriend? Or for myself to have more time to heal? I don't know what to do. I feel like I may be ready to talk to and see other people again but with the circumstances, I don't know what's too soon and appropriate. I also have my late boyfriends family in mind. Like what if they think I'm some horrible person who never loved their son/brother? I adored him with all my heart and believe I'll never feel that connection with another person...but I'm starting to feel like maybe I could feel a different connection with someone else? Idk I feel guilty even writing this. Let me know what you guys think please :/ 

[Marty2121]

I am sorry for your loss.  Everyone grieves differently and there is no right or wrong way to go through this.  You must do what feels right for YOU regardless of what anyone thinks.  Just make sure you're doing it with an uncluttered mind.  Unfortunately I found out the hard way that some people do take advantage of us widows...and widowers I'm sure!  You be kind and gentle with yourself and life live to its fullest.  Your boyfriend would have wanted you to be happy...and safe!!

Peace,

Marty

[velvettuberose]

Hi, Alina!

First of all, I am so sorry for what you have to endure and for your loss. A pain that I know too well. My husband passed away in January, suddenly...heart attack. 6 months into healing and is hard. I am not going to sugarcoat it.

It is human nature to want companionship from the opposite sex. It is also normal to feel confused. You need to do what it feels comforting and safe for you and not his family. The love that you have for your boyfriend will never disappear regardless of you dating someone. It will be in your heart forever.

The question is - Are you ready to date somebody else? You have to ask yourself that. 

I hope it helps. 

Alina

[claribassist13]

Alina, 

I am 20 years old as well and lost my fiance in a car accident almost 7 months ago. I can relate to the awful pain you are feeling and the yearning for some sort of companionship. 
While a lot of us on here can relate, I think that our age gives this question a different level of depth. You and I are both people who have really yet to begin our lives. Now, we have to face the reality that part of our life is over before it could ever really begin. It's a tough situation to be in. We start asking ourselves all of the questions without immediate answers. Was this it for us? Is it possible to find a connection like that again? 
On and on and on we ask ourselves those questions and we struggle to find answers because we simply don't have the life experience to do so. 

What matters most is how you feel. If you want to go, then go. I would encourage you to take time to really think about this and to make this decision with as clear a head as possible. The last thing you want to do is put yourself in a situation only to find our that you aren't ready. 
As for your boyfriend's family, if they do not already know how you felt about their son, then there isn't much that you can do about that. What you need to hold onto is what you know to be true about your relationship. You know that you loved him, and sometimes that is all that matters. 
If his family loves you like family should, they should want for you to be happy. 

[Forever His x]

Hello Alina , 

As hard as it is , i think you shouldnt worry what other people think , no one understands what you have gone through unless they have lost the same loss . 
Aslong as you wont regret anything so if you are undecided then maybe just wait it out , if your sure then hey why not . 

I am only 24 and have a 15 month old son , For me relationship wise i know what i want , there will never be no other and im happy with that im not scared to be alone or want companionship i just want him , for me no one could ever come close to him i could never feel the same way , he was amazing theres just no comparison , he is my soul mate and my true love , and nor will anyone be raising or holding his baby . Everyone says to me oh but your so young. i reply with yes but you clearly dont know what we had , it was on a different level , my world has been torn apart , he is everything to me . but i dont care what people think that is my decision so they can lump it . 

Do what ever feels right for you , your living in your "life" not them , do what you need to do . just dont rush it . 

[Jeff In Denver]

10 years of history with my girlfriend Mila, and now I have to start from scratch.  Most people my age are in established relationships.  They go out to dinner, they go on trips, etc.  Not here.

I have tried it.  Yes, it's fun to go out with someone, knock back a few cold ones, flirt, and say crazy things.  But my girlfriend is always on my mind.  I know that she was the best I have ever had, and will have.  Seeing someone across the table from me makes me miss Mila all the more.  After a couple of drinks I feel better, but it's just a temporary fix.  

I don't want to be alone anymore, but I only want to be with her.  And she's not available.  That's hardly fair to other people if I go out dating.  Wow, does this suck...

[Persephone_93]

My heart goes out to you Alina and everybody else in this situation. I'm 22 and lost my partner very suddenly in a road accident 3 months ago. 

You're partner would have wanted you to be happy regardless of what that entailed, so just do what makes you happy! 

I've learnt all too well that life is so fleeting so grab it with both hands and live in each moment. 

I mourned not only over my loss but over a future I wanted so badly for me and my partner. We Had everything planned to travel and emmigrate to Australia. Then I lost him.

Truth is, you'll never have control over what will happen in the future so what's the point in worrying about it. I would however clue the guy up on your situation, would only be fair if you decided it was too mich or you wernt ready later down the line. 

Stay strong everybody <3 

[KayC]

Alina, I'm sorry for your loss.  You have nothing to feel guilty about, if your BF was alive you wouldn't consider being with someone else, but their death does change everything in our lives and we just try to do what is best for us.  That is really hard, and something no one should judge us for.  

On 7/28/2016 at 10:48 AM, Jeff In Denver said:

I don't want to be alone anymore, but I only want to be with her.  And she's not available.  That's hardly fair to other people if I go out dating

Maybe take some time to grieve and learn to be on your own for a while before venturing into another relationship.  That's good advice for breakups but also for being widowed, because we need to learn who we are alone before bringing it to equation with someone else.