Still difficult

[velvettuberose]

Hello, everyone!

I am glad I found this forum. I hope it will be helpful.

I lost my husband of 8 years in January of this year. He had a heart attack and died in my arms. The shock of my entire existence...

Since then I am trying to cope with his absence the best I can. I have been extremely emotional lately. It is so hard that he is not here with me.

How will I be able to live without him for the rest of my life? 6 months was hard enough, but a lifetime?!!

 

[claribassist13]

I recently passed the six month mark with my fiance, so I can somewhat relate to what you day. The past six months has been truly awful, and it's completely depressing to know that I now have the rest of my life to go. 

At this point, I think we must live the lives that our loved ones can't live anymore. They wouldn't want us to give up or give in. However, we still need to keep in mind that six months is really no time at all. We have to allow ourselves to keep reaching forward. Hopefully the pain will become easier to manage. 

There are lots of good people here with some great advice. Check here often!

[velvettuberose]

Thank you for your answer. Right now the pain is so intense I don't know what to do.

My Walter will never come back. 

[Jeff In Denver]

I am so sorry...  Do you need anti-anxiety medication?

Someone here suggested this book:  https://www.amazon.com/gp/product/0812987926/ref=oh_aui_detailpage_o00_s00?ie=UTF8&psc=1

[Parachute]

Hi Velvet,

I just lost my wife June 20...holding her hand to the end, like you held Walter. We are not alone in our grief. I am shedding many tears for my Joyce...as you are for Walter. Others who have not had this heartache cannot truly understand ... So, let us share kindness here as only the grieving can. My heart truly goes out to you.

I feel more strength in looking to Biblical teaching than in the psychic work mentioned above. And I am finding my way to the surface with the knowledge that my sweetheart would not approve of me wasting the precious gift of life I have...even with the broken heart I have. We have family and friends that also need love...how can we deny that to them?

Please know that others do care, and count me in.

Derrell

[claribassist13]

Right now you have to allow yourself to feel the pain. It's the only way to have a chance at healing. 

[velvettuberose]

8 hours ago, Jeff In Denver said:

I am so sorry...  Do you need anti-anxiety medication?

Someone here suggested this book:  https://www.amazon.com/gp/product/0812987926/ref=oh_aui_detailpage_o00_s00?ie=UTF8&psc=1

Thank you, Jeff. Yes, I am taking anti-anxiety medication. I used to have panic attacks in the weeks following his death. Right now, they are just anxiety attacks, but they are horrible.

Yes, I looked at the book. It seems interesting. I will read it.

[velvettuberose]

6 hours ago, claribassist13 said:

Right now you have to allow yourself to feel the pain. It's the only way to have a chance at healing. 

Hi, Clari!

I am letting the pain wash over me. It is just excruciating. And I am not sure why I am reacting like this after 6 months since Walter passed. I thought I was doing better.

[velvettuberose]

7 hours ago, Parachute said:

Hi Velvet,

I just lost my wife June 20...holding her hand to the end, like you held Walter. We are not alone in our grief. I am shedding many tears for my Joyce...as you are for Walter. Others who have not had this heartache cannot truly understand ... So, let us share kindness here as only the grieving can. My heart truly goes out to you.

I feel more strength in looking to Biblical teaching than in the psychic work mentioned above. And I am finding my way to the surface with the knowledge that my sweetheart would not approve of me wasting the precious gift of life I have...even with the broken heart I have. We have family and friends that also need love...how can we deny that to them?

Please know that others do care, and count me in.

Derrell

Thank you, Derrell. 

[claribassist13]

For me, at least, six months was another re-realization (realizing a realization all over again) of how permanent the situation was. I woke up every day for six months hoping to see a text from him on my phone to tell me this had all been a nightmare. When the six month mark arrived, I was hit with how permanent his death was. He was never ever coming back. This was not a horrible dream, this was my reality. 

I also spent several months caring for my fiance's mother instead of dealing with my own emotions. When the six month mark came around, I realized that I couldn't continue being her emotional support while having no one to help me support myself. It's been difficult to finally sit down and face my own feelings for once. 

Plus, for whatever psychological reason, the six month mark is one of the hardest months out of the first year. 

Don't be so hard on yourself. 

[velvettuberose]

I am trying not to, Clari, but it is difficult. I miss Walter so much. If the first 6 months are so rough, I cannot imagine how one year is going to be. 

I am born on January 1st. To me, the holidays will always remind me that my husband was going to die soon after. It will never be the same.

[claribassist13]

I can completely relate to that. The last day I saw my fiance was on Christmas and he died three days later. This first year is going to be difficult one, but eventually this year will pass and this year will become a very foggy memory. If we can get through the first year, then we just might make it. 

[velvettuberose]

I hope so. 

[Parachute]

I had dinner last night at the home of a couple who married after each lost  spouse. Martha's first husband was a close friend to me. Now she and Gerald enjoy a happy life together. They both readily accept and acknowledge the other's prior mate. They both spent time with me, sharing their grief and mine. It is not necessary to forget our past in order to live with it. I hope I never ever forget. But the living around us need us now! We have to honor our lost loved ones by making use of the love they taught us.

[claribassist13]

As awful as this all seems, we have our loved ones helping us adjust to this change. They want to see us live as normally (whatever that is) as we can.

I don't know what your religious/spiritual beliefs are, but I firmly believe that our loved ones can see our suffering and do what they can to comfort and help us. 

[velvettuberose]

Thank you both for your words.

Clari, I am a spiritual person. I believe that our loved ones don't just go into thin air. They are forms of energy and, although they cannot manifest in his physical form anymore, they are with us all the time. I feel my husband's presence and yes, after crying like forever...it seems...I feel a sort of pure peace as if  Walter would hold me in his arms and tell me that everything will be okay. 

[claribassist13]

Those types of feelings are the ones you should hold on to. They are subtle little reminders that true love never dies. It is merely transformed or given differently. 

[KayC]

Velvet,

I am so sorry you lost your husband, even as I lost mine.  It helped me tremendously when I tried not to look at "the next forty years" but focused on staying in today...today has enough to deal with of it's own.  I can't possibly bite off 40 years or "the rest of my life"!  It's too much.  Today I can get through.  

Meditation has also been helpful to bring my focus to "now".  

I am thankful I have hope of being with my George again, without that it would be pretty tough.

[velvettuberose]

Thank you, Kay. My condolences for the loss of your husband as well.

I know that is the best way to look at the future...one day at the time, but it is human nature to think ahead. Meditation for me is not helpful at all as my mind has a tendency to wonder when it is not busy with something. So I stay busy. I can't say for sure that I will see Walter again, but right now, in this present, I feel connected to him by an invisible cord.