Another Damn Weekend and Disappearing "Friends."

[Jeff In Denver]

I get out of work at 11 AM on Fridays where I do IT consulting for a large oil and gas company.  It's hard enough trying to concentrate on work, but I used to look forward to getting home early and having my girlfriend in my life whether she was at work, out shopping, having lunch with her friends, whatever.

My house feels like a tomb now.  I spent the afternoon on the computer, exchanging e-mails and reading posts here an on another grief website forum (onlinegriefsupport.com).  Oh, and I watched this grief recovery video again:  https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=k2Bw8_JwI48

One of her friends from Peru and her husband took me out for dinner last night.  That was fun.   My next door neighbor (we share the same front porch and back deck)  from Scotland, who used to be friends with Mila (until she got really sick), asks me through the fence how I'm doing.  She gave me a photo of Mila in a frame and keeps telling me that she has more to give me, but doesn't.  No real support or caring from her.

So-called friends of ours, predictably, haven't been heard from since the memorial service 3 weeks ago.  I'm old news.

Even some of my friends, mostly from work, who have repeatedly reminded me that they are my friends, are too busy to bother with me.  The emptiness, isolation, and loneliness are staggering.   I am successful, I have a great place to live, I am fun to be with, I'm a nice guy, not too bad-looking, and I have a lot to offer.  Instead of living I am now trapped in this hellhole of grief, isolation, and fear in the middle of summer here in Denver.  

My old trustworthy friend, Cindy, who lives up the street, calls me every day and we meet at the coffee shop nearby on Saturdays.  That helps.

I thought life sucked when Mila and everyone were always here, my life was hectic, and she was sick and getting sicker.  I had no idea how bad things would get.  I hope you have a better weekend than me.  Life truly sucks.  But you people are terrific.

 

 

 

 

 

 

[Krantz]

Unfortunately I've been through this myself with finding out your "true friends". The ones who contact you and want to be around you, should be the most important. I know some "friends" that feel awkward being in situations like this even though they're not the ones grieving. Some people can't handle death and comforting ones who are grieving. My advice is not to get upset at the people who are not in contact with you, maybe pick up a hobby your enjoy, make new friends or join support groups to meet people who are going through similar situations. Do you have any pets!? I have our dog Pede and he is awesome to have around. He keeps me busy and constantly wants to play and be around me. Honestly, if you like dogs, maybe rescue one if you have the time and space of course. If not, there is this site called Meetup.com and you can find all kinds of groups who want to meet new people and do all kinds of outdoor and indoor activities. Just some advice. 

[Marty2121]

20 hours ago, Jeff In Denver said:

I get out of work at 11 AM on Fridays where I do IT consulting for a large oil and gas company.  It's hard enough trying to concentrate on work, but I used to look forward to getting home early and having my girlfriend in my life whether she was at work, out shopping, having lunch with her friends, whatever.

My house feels like a tomb now.  I spent the afternoon on the computer, exchanging e-mails and reading posts here an on another grief website forum (onlinegriefsupport.com).  Oh, and I watched this grief recovery video again:  https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=k2Bw8_JwI48

One of her friends from Peru and her husband took me out for dinner last night.  That was fun.   My next door neighbor (we share the same front porch and back deck)  from Scotland, who used to be friends with Mila (until she got really sick), asks me through the fence how I'm doing.  She gave me a photo of Mila in a frame and keeps telling me that she has more to give me, but doesn't.  No real support or caring from her.

So-called friends of ours, predictably, haven't been heard from since the memorial service 3 weeks ago.  I'm old news.

Even some of my friends, mostly from work, who have repeatedly reminded me that they are my friends, are too busy to bother with me.  The emptiness, isolation, and loneliness are staggering.   I am successful, I have a great place to live, I am fun to be with, I'm a nice guy, not too bad-looking, and I have a lot to offer.  Instead of living I am now trapped in this hellhole of grief, isolation, and fear in the middle of summer here in Denver.  

My old trustworthy friend, Cindy, who lives up the street, calls me every day and we meet at the coffee shop nearby on Saturdays.  That helps.

I thought life sucked when Mila and everyone were always here, my life was hectic, and she was sick and getting sicker.  I had no idea how bad things would get.  I hope you have a better weekend than me.  Life truly sucks.  But you people are terrific.

 

 

 

 

 

 

I can totally relate to what you're saying and my Chuck went to heaven 2 years ago!!  But Krantz is right...a lot of people don't know how to make us better so they disappear.  Everyone is around when it first happens, but then they go on with their life.  Losing the love of your life sucks BIG TIME!!!  No doubt you will be on an emotional roller coaster for a long time. 

[claribassist13]

Jeff, 

Especially in your case (where Mila was sick for months and months) the novelty of her death has worn off. When people die there is a certain novelty in their passing with all the shock of what has happened. After a few weeks everyone else is moving on with their lives and yet we are still in the beginning throes of grief. People see our grief and they don't understand that we have just begun a lifelong journey. Grief never leaves us, but to our friends on the outside, they can't seem to understand why we cannot get over what has happened. 
Some people are not equipped to see us suffer. Others just cannot understand. Hold on to those who reach out to you, and try to recognize when friends are trying to reach out to you. Sometimes people don't know what to say or how to say it. They are trying so hard, and sometimes they fall short. 

I am sorry you are experiencing this. 

[Jeff In Denver]

 

Claribassisit13, I agree with what you said, and thank you.  Friends don't mean to be like that, they just don't know what it's like or how to handle it. Unless they had a loss, they couldn't have an idea of how it feels.  I know that I was just as bad to my mother's husband when my mother died a year and a half ago.  I just didn't get it.  How could I?  This has been a very hard learning experience.

Thank you again.

 

 

[claribassist13]

On 7/9/2016 at 4:37 PM, Jeff In Denver said:

 

Claribassisit13, I agree with what you said, and thank you.  Friends don't mean to be like that, they just don't know what it's like or how to handle it. Unless they had a loss, they couldn't have an idea of how it feels.  I know that I was just as bad to my mother's husband when my mother died a year and a half ago.  I just didn't get it.  How could I?  This has been a very hard learning experience.

Thank you again.

 

 

I have found in six months that many friends do not intend to abandon you. Oftentimes they think you need space or they don't know how to be around you without bringing up your loss. They don't want to make to cry or cause you to be upset, so they choose to say nothing instead. They don't realize that since they stay away we feel like we have to stay away as well. It's a long process. Some will come back and others will stay away. Just hold on to those who are still here. They will help you move through this horrible loss.