Lost my son

[hotrod]

Dear Zachysmom

 

I am so very sorry for  the loss of your precious son . You are in the right place.  I too lost my only child, a son 2 years ago and reached out to this forum in my desperation.  I found, as you will people who understand your pain and can relate to all you are feeling and experiencing.  Please keep coming back. Post read and remember you are not alone.

The picture of your son is priceless.  Thanks for sharing him with us.

Betty

Stephen's mom

[mpsmom]

Zachysmom, I am so very sorry for your loss, he looks so sweet in the picure you posted.  Please join our family on the thread "loss of an adult child"  It seems to be the forum board that has the most consistant activity.  We are all mothers and fahers who have lost children of all ages, not just adult children. 

Come and post when you can and are up to it, or you can just read.. .several os us have just returned from an informal reunion of sorts--- we had never met and all flew to MN to finally meet face to face.  The Beyond INdigo family is made up parents who are in all stages of grief.  My 17 year old daughter died 11 months ago from sudden heart death, she was my only child, Bethany.  Try to take care of yourelf, allow yourself enough time to rest, drink a lot of water, and if you can get out and walk in the sunshine.... only time will ease your pain... a lot of time.

Hugs and Welcome      Marcia      Bethany's Mom Forever

[mysonrich]

Hello Zachysmom, What a sweet boy your Zach is. I am sorry for your loss and know you have come to the right place. I joined after my son died 7 months ago. Rich was 20 and died suddenly in his sleep. As the others have said, please join us when you can on the Loss of an Adult Child Thread.

Take care of yourself as you care for others. As hard as it is.

 

Betsy,myson;Rich

[4everjoeysmom]

Zachy's Mom, My heart is broken for you... I'm so sorry... There is no reasoning, no excuse, no anything that will ever make sense of why your precious Zachy had to go. And I SO MUCH WISH that there was anything that any one of us could say that would ease your pain. Please come and share Zach and your heart with us as often as you need and want to--even if it means you post every five minutes just to know someone out here is riding this storm with you, where you do NOT have to be strong. Your husband and daughter need you. This is true. But you need to grieve Zachy as well, in a safe environment. We're here for you...

HUGS!!! ~Claudia (4everJoeysMom)

[homeschoolmom]

Zachy's Mom,

How I know the depth of pain, and horror, and grief, and overwhelming guilt! My 7 yr old son, Rohan died in my arms after being hit by a truck while we crossed the road 12/26/08. Please know that you are being thought about and lifted up in prayers, for strength, and courage, and grace to make it through one long heartbroken minute at a time.  Your soul is being assaulted, but you have found a safe harbor. We understand, and we will be there to help you navigate this awful road at whatever pace you need to walk it. My heart breaks for the anguish you are even now experiencing, but know, too, that one day you will again feel the warmth of good memories of Zachariah bathe your soul and restore it with hope. may that day come soon.

Blessings, and hugs,

Shelly, Rohan's Mama

[mpsmom]

Zachary's Mom

You have come to the right place.  We know the pain of loosing a child.  My son, Brian was 16 when he decided to ride on the hood of the car and his friend drove 68 mph in a 25 mph residential area.

The driver stuck a tree and then 2 other trees.  Brian hit the ground at about 60 mph and died within minutes.

The pain and guilt are sure there, but you are so fresh.  Your family will understand if you cry, scream, wail, kick!!!  Get it out, please do not supress this pain.  You must walk through the pain to get to a stable place on the other side of grief.

Be kind to yourself.  A wise women (Dee) told me that over a year ago and that is what I did. 

My thoughts are with you

We will say Zachary's name.

Colleen, Brian's Mother Forever

[welovedrew]

You have come to the right place, Zahcysmom! I found this wonderful forum 2 months after I lost my only son. He was killed on 11-13-08. My heart aches just looking at the picture of your beautiful son and reading what you wrote. Please know that you will heal, in time. It will take time....I am still having many days that are difficult to get through. We are all here for you (and for each other). Please logon to the "loss of an adult child" site, often. There are some wonderful parents on this site that will help you make it through each day. Many of them so much more experienced that I am and have been doing this much longer than me. But, they are here for you, for me and for themselves to move forward with this pain and sadness that we have been dealt. Just know....we are here for you! Take care of yourself, your husband and daughter and let us know what we can do to help you get through this! Mary (Drewsmom)

[mpsmom]

Zachysmom, hang in there, being numb is your body and souls way of protecting you right now, it is OK to be numb... dont expect much of yourself ..... It sounds as though your sweet Zack died suddenly, have you and your husband talked to a counselor? It might help with your husbands flashbacks... hold on tight to each other right now, the pain will ease.... it will never go away, but will be what I call "more manageable", as for finding happiness in your life again, it will come, but it will be so dramatically different than it ever was when Zach was physically with you.  Watch for 'signs' from your angel........when my daughter died the butterflies came every day for more than a month.  Your baby is safe, happy, healthy and you will be with him again.    Hugs,   Marcia   Bethany's Mom Forever

[lostwoher]

Zachy's mom, I am so so sorry for your loss. Zachy is a beautiful handsome little boy. I do know and understand the pain you and your husband are going through. Granted my daughter, Kayla, was 21 when she drowned but nonetheless she was my baby. The pain and anger will subside and be a little bit lighter with time. It has been one year ago last week I lost my girl and I still find it difficult at times. So many what ifs and whys still encircle my mind but I try to push it away. There are no answers that will make any of this any better. Please be kind to yourself. Your son would not want any harm to you or his daddy. Know that we are all here to listen when ever you feel the need. Im not one who posts much but I do read daily/nightly. This place brings so much comfort because we all walk in the same shoes on the same dreadful journey. Take care and post more pictures. He is such a beautiful lil guy.

Love, peace, and hugs to you and your family,

Lynn

[4everjoeysmom]

Zachy's Mom, We DO NOT judge here. We're just here for you and each other.

I'm so, so very sorry.. Your living hell is so gripping... We try so hard to do our best and keep our children safe, but sometimes things just happen, and we never understand how or why. HUGS!!! HUGS!!! and MORE HUGS!!! My heart aches for you and your family... ~Claudia

[mpsmom]

There is no judging on this website..... !!!!!!!!  Feel free to talk openly about your little boy, tell us about him, all about him, His little short life was more than just the last day he was here on earth.. please keep sight of that... ZACK < ZACK< ZACK.... say his name often.   My prayers are with you  that you find peace,

Marcia    Bethany's Mom Forever

[mysonrich]

I'll say it again. We do not judge here.

 

Betsy,mysonRich

[lostwoher]

How your son Zachary died is not what we are about. It only matters that a life was cut short too soon. I will repeat it again- We DO NOT JUDGE . Please dont feel you need to shy away because of the cause. None of us want to be here but we are here for each other to share the good times and to help with the bad times.

Peace my friend,

Lynn

[hotrod]

I am so sorry for the intense pain that you and your husband are experiencing.

Please know you are both in my thoughts and prayers.  Please tell us about your son and how wonderful he was.  I know that helped me when I was so feeling so down and disconnected.

Praying for your peace.

Betty 

[4everjoeysmom]

Beth, I think we've all have imagined places, events, timelines and such that would have been different in the way we lost our children. It helps to guide us through the pain of guilt. We all go through guilt--whether it be survivor's guilt or because we feel we could have or should have done more. Our reality is that we are left feeling helpless to have changed much, if anything at all.

I read some of the articles I found on your son's accident. I can understand better now why your husband is an emotional wreck and that you feel you must be the one to be strong. Hold on tight to the support you receive here and elsewhere. Allow yourself some time for you, because you need to grieve too. Sending HUGS for courage, strength, and wisdom for knowing and doing what you need to in the moment. <3 ~Claudia

[mpsmom]

Beth, thank you for sharing you Zach with us, the story about him grabbing" handfuls' is precious, it made me smile, what a cutie he must hve been .... I hope it brought a smile to you too,  if even for 2 or 3 seconds.... In the darkest days of my pain  I try to remember something about my sweet angel Bethany that makes me smile...sometimes it is something really simple, but my memories bring me more joy than pain, she is gone, she is not coming back, but she lives in my heart and in my soul, she will always be 17.5 --- full of life and wonder.   All of her friends are heading off to college and the TV commercials about 'dorm room' accessories are killing me to watch.... life must go on-- in her honor. Beth, take tiny baby steps, take care of yourself and go forward one minute at a time.,..... drink lots of water and gets lots of rest.  We are all here for you,

Hugs, Marcia   Bethany's Mom Forever

[mpsmom]

Zachysmom, I think you are doing all the right things with your little girl, Hold her tight, love on her , let her talk to you about her feelings, she has been thru something no one should ever have to experience...especially not a child----watch her carefully.... of course it is not her fault that her brother is dead -- have you talked to a counselor with her ??.... with school getting ready to start, this may be in order... are there school counselors, I think they should be aware of your family sitution so they are 'aware' and can key an eye on her at school .  I wish I had a magical answer-- I am sorry I do not.

Hugs, Marcia   Bethany's Mom forever

What a precious picture you posted your two children together, thank you for shraing them with us. 

[zachysmom]

Mpsmom I want to thank you for your help.

I am going to bow out gracefully from BI and walk my grief path alone. If someone wants to delete my posts I would understand. Thank you all.

[4everjoeysmom]

Zachy's Mom, What a difficult decision. I think sometimes opening up feels more difficult, especially at first. Being so new and raw to this grief journey, the mixed emotions and not knowing where you fit in is normal. We're numb for a few months after such a horrible loss. We've all been there. A few of us even left BI for a while and came back when "it felt better". It happens. So I hope if you change your mind, you don't hesitate. Whatever you decide, please know that we will be here if and when you return, and we all will still receive you with open and loving hearts.

HUGS!!!

Claudia (4EverJoeysMom)

[homeschoolmom]

Beth (Zachysmom),

Just a quick note to say you are on my mind and I'm sending prayers for strength, and for peace.  I'll write more when I get to FL., but for now know that you are being thought of, and sent hugs for the journey-

Don't despair, don't give up hope- the way seems dark and unyielding, but it is what it is. Hang in there- we're here for you. Rohan was on his favorite green bike he called "Surge" when he was hit. Let me assure you that they are both safe and whole, and happy chasing butterflies and whatever else boys find to do in heaven's gardens. Did Zachy like dinosaurs? Or was he more of a sports boy? Hope precious memories cares your heart gently and bring a treasured smile to your face today. I know you are weary- hang in there.

Shelly, Rohan's Mama

[zachysmom]

I want my son back. Its not fair. I don't care if god needed him. I'm his mom I need him. god doesn't deserve him god doesn't care god stole my baby from me and I HATE him for it.

I know some people here think its my fault and my husbands fault our baby is gone. Don't doubt we blame ourselves. Try living day to day wondering what you could do differently. Don't give me the obvious answers I don't want to hear them. I torture myself daily I relive that horrific night every hour of every day. I will do it till the day I die. Every night I see my baby as he looked that night. Slowly I will die as I destroy myself. Then maybe I can be with my baby and maybe rescue him from this so called god who likes to steal and ruin lives and kill innocents for his own perverted pleasure.

[mikesmum]

[user=35331]zachysmom[/user] wrote:

I want my son back. Its not fair. I don't care if god needed him. I'm his mom I need him. god doesn't deserve him god doesn't care god stole my baby from me and I HATE him for it.

I know some people here think its my fault and my husbands fault our baby is gone. Don't doubt we blame ourselves. Try living day to day wondering what you could do differently. Don't give me the obvious answers I don't want to hear them. I torture myself daily I relive that horrific night every hour of every day. I will do it till the day I die. Every night I see my baby as he looked that night. Slowly I will die as I destroy myself. Then maybe I can be with my baby and maybe rescue him from this so called god who likes to steal and ruin lives and kill innocents for his own perverted pleasure.

I won't give you the 'platitudes' they don't bring your boy back.  Your pain is real, I know I have felt it.  I have relived the past 31yrs of my sons life ending with the stark memory of his body lying lifeless after 50 mins of resus failed to bring him back to me.  I am insane with the thought that I could have done or said something that would have prevented Mike dying 18th Jan 2007.  Each one of the parents posting here "gets" your loss.

One thing I know for sure, my son, like yours was loved beyond belief.  He was wanted, treasured and though at times lost to me for whatever reason he was precious in my life.  I was supposed to go first.

None of my anger, hate, disspair, lack of sleep has given me the one thing I want most - my son.  Being here and not judged but understood has taught me - I am not alone.

It is 959 days, 6 hours, 13 minutes and 48 seconds since 10.20am Thursday, 18 January 2007 (Melbourne time) - that was Mikes exact time of death and I know it better than my own mind.....

I hope you might one day take a breath, blink and see the better side of having a son.......you did have him.

Trudi

[mpsmom]

I know some people here think its my fault and my husbands fault our baby is gone.

Zachysmom, I wish I had something profound to say... I am sorry -- I don't , what I do have to say to you  is that NO ONE HERE thinks it is your fault that your angel is gone.  This is place where there is no judgement.  It is a place to come and 'vent' without judgement.  The pain within you will get a bit softer, but it takes time, a lot of time, you are so new on this journey, please dont expect alot of change in the first few months, it hurts, it hurts like hel*,I know, we all know,  but the pain will soften with time, I promise. 

Hugs to you and your family,   Marcia   Bethany's Mom Forever

[homeschoolmom]

Beth,

Your soul is screaming out in pain, and how I wish there was some balm to be found, that an understanding word spoken could ease the pain somewhat. Yes, there are many what ifs to be explored, but as you very well know, they don't change anything. Yes, you can kill yourself slowly, but is that what best honors Zachy's memory? It matters not to us how Zachy left this world, what matters is that he left, and we want to help you as you begin this LONG, torturous journey that none here chose to be on. I hear the anguish in your words, the anger, the bitterness, the regret, and yes, the overwhelming guilt. Zachy was, and is, loved, and wanted, and you have the honor of being his mom...NOTHING can ever take that away. Not your guilt, not others' condemnation...nothing. Your love remains, for what is borne in the soul, cannot die with the body. I am sending you hugs for what must be...

Shelly, Rohan's Mama

[mikesmomrs]

I cannot add to any of what others here before me have said...I can only tell you that  they speak honestly, from their very souls...NO ONE HERE places any blame on you or your husband, or on anyone else here..."here" is a judgment free zone, "here" is comfort, understanding, words and feelings that come through these pages directly to our hearts, holding us in their hearts, sending comfort and strength through cyberspace...yet that comfort and strength is real as the day we are in, the moment we are breathing through...intangible, yes, but real just the same...All here lost our children in different ways...all here suffer the searing pain of our child no longer being in our daily lives...all here know the pain each other feels...yes we must live this journey by ourselves, but we don't have to walk it alone...we all here are here for each other, as well as ourselves...we give and we get...comfort, understanding, caring, no judgments passed...please know that, Beth, please take that to your severely wounded heart, please let us in when you can, and share your beautiful son's life with us...

love and peace,  carol  mikesmomrs

[zachysmom]

This hell could of been prevented if HPD had taken the death threats towards us seriously. The gun would not have been f****n loaded we were protecting our family. They were not taken seriously because they thought of us as white trash and trouble makers. They were to busy to take reports and I quote the officer the threats were to general. We were told to just watch out and stay away from the people. What good are cops when all they do are take bribes and leave the innocent to twist in the wind. We didn't have the money to move or we would have. So because of these fools our precious son who was just starting his life is gone.

My baby is so precious every night we would do night nights. I would kiss him on the top of his head and he would do the same to me. Then he would go to dad and kiss the top of his daddys head and daddy would blow a razzberry on our babys forehead. This was an every night ritual. Zachy wouldn't go to bed until we did this.

[homeschoolmom]

Precious memories, dear Beth, and as painful as they are now, will be your greatest comfort in a bit.  When the pain gets especially bad, close your eyes and feel those tender kisses on the top of your head, and smile, knowing that that bond can never ever be severed.

Shelly

[homeschoolmom]

sent you an email

Shelly

[zachysmom]

For those of you who want to get to know my heavenly angel here you go.

Zachy is a big flirt and has been since he was a baby. He even flirted with the nurses the day after he was born. At the age of 9 months he grabbed the chest of my friends' daughter. He always would chase the girls and no female of any age was safe from his flirtatous attitude. Young or old he would have any female wrapped around his little finger.

Zachy loved school. He threw a fit when his preschool teacher tried to hold him back another year. We of course didn't let it happen. I actually made the teacher realize he was manipulating her by acting like he didn't know his letters and numbers. Once she knew what he doing she changed her mind about keeping him back again. Also how many teachers would admit they were manipulated by a 5 year old He was suposed to start kindergarten this year. Every day he kept bugging us to go register him for kindergarten when we did he was estatic. He bragged to everyone. It was funny.

[homeschoolmom]

I hated every moment of school, then grew up to home school my kids.  Zachy sounds like my daughter who begs to have school. Love the attitude, even if I can't replicate it in myself. He sounds like quite the ladies man! Good memories that bring a smile...

Blessings,

Shelly, Rohan's Mama

[homeschoolmom]

Beth,

Please join us on the Loss of an adult child when you feel able.  It's where we all seem to migrate to regardless of the age of our children. It's where I can be angry, hurt, feeling a bit lighter, get recipes and share the day to day happenings and struggles in my life.  I know for many it is a lifeline. 

Blessings,

Shelly

[zachysmom]

Shelly thanks for the advice. I moved the post there. I hate the rollercoaster I'm on but I have no choice but to ride it out. I got your email and will send you one a bit later.

[welovedrew]

Zachysmom...I sit here reading your postings. I don't come here too often. It is too painful for me to read and relive all of the pain that I have been through and continue to go through. Every thought that you have, everything you type, every feeling that you feel....has been everything that I have gone through and probably everything that all of us have gone through and continue to go through. I have felt like throwing in the towel and killing myself, I have felt like turning my back on the people on this BB and walking away from them, I have felt like it was "my fault" that my son is gone, I have been and still am mad at God, I have felt pain that has run deeper than anyone that I know could never imagine! Please understand that each and everyone of us on this site has been through some of what you are going through and feel. Please know that this is an amazing group of people on this site. When I have been down, they have lifted me up, when I have been crazy, they have said it's okay to be crazy, when I have hated God, they have given me a different perspective, when I have cried, they have cried with me. Believe it or not... I am crying awful tears right now. I have such a difficult time coming to this site. It hits home for me! I work every day with families whose children have been injured, are sick, have died and nothing is more difficult than this site. Having new members like you show up just makes it even more difficult for me to read the postings. I guess it is because these people were here for me when I didn't have anyone else. They were here to make sure that I made it through each day. I could come here and post and not be judged. They take us for what we are...grieving parents. Because, that's what they are, too! You will be okay....it will take so much time to heal and move forward....Lord knows, I can't believe that I am saying this because I struggle everyday to move forward. Things will soften and then the "ugly reality will rear its head, again." AND...you will start crying all over again and fall apart. Each time this happens, you pick yourself up and compose yourself and act like a good mom to the other kids....all along knowing that your family is not the same. And, do you want to know the worse part...dealing with your husband, who is dealing with the same thing? Or, wait....how about dealing with friends and family who can't even imagine to undersatnd what you are going through?! Hang in there...we are all here for you. Some are stronger than others and can give you more insight to what you are going through. We are all here for you! Please let us know what we can do to help and support you! (Drewsmom) Mary