Members Jeff In Denver Posted June 30, 2016 Members Report Share Posted June 30, 2016 Two weeks ago I lost the love of my life to breast cancer. I did everything I could for her. When she was diagnosed with stage 4 two years ago I bought her curcumin/turmeric, took her to naturopaths, Chinese doctors, acupuncture, nutritionists, did TONS of research, and hired a mendical MJ consultant (oil) in her last month. I e-mailed her oncologist several times a week. I was obsessed with helping her. On the day she was diagnosed 2 years ago in June, we went up to the Colorado mountains. I held her hand and couldn't stop crying. I told her I would do everything in my power to help her. We managed to take a few fun trips. We went to her native Peru. In NYC and Phlly last fall we had fun and walked miles. The last 6 months were bad, as she deteriorated. Her mother and aunt came in from Peru to help her, and my house was filled with friends and relatives. I felt overwhelmed and missed my privacy, but I did it for her and actually started enjoying the company. Now the house is empty, and I rarely hear from her friends. The grief has been the hardest thing in my life. My mother died a year and a half ago, but (and I hate to say it), this is so much worse. This is my partner. We called and e-mailed each other 20 times per day. We had our own silly little inside jokes that we constant repeated. I feel destroyed. I am seeing grief counselors and take anti-anxiety medication when I can't handle it. I like long walks. I talk to her. I look up at the sky a lot. I wonder if she feels my love for her, or my anguish. I am not religious, but I hope we can eventually be together forever. Here's the problem: I don't want to ever even try to replace her. Ever. But I am lonely and wouldn't mind having something physical with someone. I haven't had that for years and really miss it. I wonder if I did that if it would disrespect her memory. I wonder if she can still see me, and if that would hurt her (I know that sounds crazy). On the other hand, she's not here, and someone to share something physical with could be calming and allow me to feel better during the worst time of my life. No love, no relationship other than maybe a friendship, but the touch of someone else. I kind of feel on one side that anything I do to help myself through this is okay - as long as I am not hurting others. On the other hand, I won't want to do anything that would be morally wrong or disrespect my GF. Any suggestions? Thanks. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members claribassist13 Posted June 30, 2016 Members Report Share Posted June 30, 2016 Jeff, I think all of us go through a time like this. I suppose that the answer to your question lies a lot in what you believe happens after death. I can't really offer you any suggestions, but I can tell you what I think. You can take what you'd like from it. Personally, I believe that our loved ones can see us. I think of it as a guardian angel thing, like they are watching over us to helpful through our grief. I have no doubt that our loved ones see us, see the complete agony and pain we are in. I'm not sure how that makes them feel, but I can only imagine how my fiance would feel if he saw me in the state that I am. He would be completely heartbroken and would try everything in his power to help me through this. I believe the same of your girlfriend. I have no doubt that she knows just how much you love her, and I also have no doubt that she knows very intimately the pain and anguish you are feeling. I know that she wants you to live the fullest life you can, surround by people, places, and things that make you happy again. Craving the touch of another person isn't an awful thing, and it would in no way disrespect her memory. If you think about it, any of us who has lost loved ones now have the pressure of living for 2 people rather than just ourselves. She will never experience all the things that you have the opportunity to do, so you have to do it for her. What would disrespect her memory is if you forget about her. And I am not saying that you have to think about her every single second of every day. I think that if you were going out of our way to pretend this never happened or that she never existed, then you would be disrespecting her. But wanting to feel something besides the crushing pain or wanting someone to confide in, that is not a bad thing. I think that the fact that you are worried about what she will think shows just how dedicated you are to her. If we want to get really scientific, we are mammals are designed to live within communities. For anyone to live alone and without any sort of physical/emotional interaction would cause harm beyond what we can imagine. We crave physical interaction because our body/brain chemistry and psychology does this to keep us alive and healthy. Most of all, she would want to be happy. She hates seeing the pain that you are going through, and she can only do so much to help you. She loves you, and sometimes that means ensuring that the person you love is happy. I always told my fiance that I wanted him to be happy above all else, even if that one day meant I couldn't be in his life anymore. I think anyone who has ever been in love understands this, so take this for yourself. She loves you so much, and she wants you to be happy. It can't be with her (not right now anyway), so you may have to go with someone else. Besides, any relationship you have now is only what you make it. To paraphrase a song I once heard, there is a big difference between sleeping with someone and sleeping with someone you love. Do what you think is going to help, and know that as long as you hold her in your heart, you can't disrespect her. Working towards living again is the best way (in my opinion) to respect those who have left us. Those are just my thoughts, but I hope they can help in some small degree. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Massgal Posted June 30, 2016 Members Report Share Posted June 30, 2016 Our stories are similar. I lost my husband almost a month ago to cancer, diagnosed 2 1/2 years ago. We had some great months, but mostly not. He really deteriorated the last six. I was working and caring for him. Since the day everyone left my house almost 2 weeks ago, the loneliness has been excruciating. I know for certain I would eventually hope to meet someone. My husband was such a great companion, confidante, best friend, etc. I loved having that in my life and I don't think I want to live the rest of it without that. I miss him so much.I also hadn't had anything physical in a long time. I have no idea what the future holds for me, now a ripe old 57, but I am not ready to live a life of nothing but sadness, loneliness, and despair. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Forever His x Posted June 30, 2016 Members Report Share Posted June 30, 2016 Hey , i think everyone will have their own opinion on this like i said on the other post i had read similar to this one . its only been such a short amount of time , do whatever you feel you need to do for your own personal reasons dont worry about what others think of you . just make sure its 100% what you want to do and that it will make you happy if your having doubts hold on for a while , dont do anything that will make you have regrets . ive said what i will personally be doing in my situation , everyone handles things differently . but all going through the same mess that this so called "life" has thrown at us ! . Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members EternalFlames Posted June 30, 2016 Members Report Share Posted June 30, 2016 I feel the same way and crave the same thing. Some people may think "but it's only been X months since her death!", but they don't realize that you feel like you've been lonely much longer. You still had her company and you could show her a lot of love, but you didn't really have anyone there for you. In order to be there for her through the illness and to be so supportive, you've already been uncared for and alone for a long time. Your needs have not been met in a while. I think we owe it to ourselves to finally put our own needs first and do what we need to take care of ourselves, without guilt. Whenever you're ready is when is right. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Jeff In Denver Posted July 1, 2016 Author Members Report Share Posted July 1, 2016 Thank you, everyone. I really appreciate your comments. I saw this interesting quote about guilt, which is a big part of grief: We do the best we can with our understanding at the time, and when we know better, we do better. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Krantz Posted July 1, 2016 Members Report Share Posted July 1, 2016 I really like that quote. Thanks Jeff. I've been battling much guilt myself, but more so the cause of my fiancés death. I only wish I was able to prevent it and saw any warnings.. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Jeff In Denver Posted July 5, 2016 Author Members Report Share Posted July 5, 2016 Krantz, I am sorry to hear about your girlfriend. She had a heart attack? I seriously doubt that you could have seen that coming, and there wouldn't have been a way to prevent that. And please, read that quote again. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Jeff In Denver Posted July 5, 2016 Author Members Report Share Posted July 5, 2016 On 6/30/2016 at 3:05 PM, EternalFlames said: I feel the same way and crave the same thing. Some people may think "but it's only been X months since her death!", but they don't realize that you feel like you've been lonely much longer. You still had her company and you could show her a lot of love, but you didn't really have anyone there for you. In order to be there for her through the illness and to be so supportive, you've already been uncared for and alone for a long time. Your needs have not been met in a while. I think we owe it to ourselves to finally put our own needs first and do what we need to take care of ourselves, without guilt. Whenever you're ready is when is right. Very well said! And that's a good point about being lonely for much longer. I feel emotionally and physically drained. As caregivers, we are pushed hard. At point point she apologized to me for transforming my life for the worst and being a burden. My reaction was that I understood her feelings, but taking care of her the best I could was something that I would gladly do a million times over. It was a way of connecting with her and helping her. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Krantz Posted July 5, 2016 Members Report Share Posted July 5, 2016 He did passed away from a heart attack going on 5 weeks ago. He wasn't feeling the best two weeks prior to his death and just thought he had a virus/bug because he developed a fever, achiness and indigestion. Overtime, he was feeling better and didn't think it was anything serious. He got his appetite back and went back to work (which he only took 1 day off). He was only 32, active, ate pretty healthy, and not overweight. We never knew it was this serious... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Krantz Posted July 5, 2016 Members Report Share Posted July 5, 2016 I just feel so guilty thinking I could've prevented this from happening to him. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Jeff In Denver Posted July 5, 2016 Author Members Report Share Posted July 5, 2016 4 minutes ago, Krantz said: I just feel so guilty thinking I could've prevented this from happening to him. Your own words: " We never knew it was this serious..." Please, try and realize that you did the best you could have when you were there. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Krantz Posted July 5, 2016 Members Report Share Posted July 5, 2016 Thank you Jeff. I'm trying... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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