I want to move on with life but I can't.

[Alina0815]

My boyfriend passed away on March 8th of this year. It was very sudden. I woke up that morning and he was gone, I figured he was running errands so I messaged him asking where he'd gone. At about 9 a.m. he said he had taken his motorcycle to the rental place where he had forgotten his title loan the night before. It was at 9:28 that he lost control of his bike, hit a curb, and flew off. He became unresponsive in the ambulance on the way to the hospital. When I recieved the news that he didn't make it, I was on my way to meet him at the hospital with his best friend. I can remember the whole thing so vividly in my mind. I screamed and shouted no over and over, then after the initial shock, I was like an empty blank slate. It was so unreal, I couldn't register any of it. My boyfriend, Michael, was such a great man. He was so respectful and loving and selfless. I have a 4 year old son with another man who is currently in prison and Michael treated my son as if he were his own flesh and blood. He took amazing care of the both of us. We were a great little family. Everything was perfect, we were making so many plans and he was doing really great despite some previous obstacles we had both faced in our lives. He just wanted to do what would be best for me and my son. He always put everyone else first, he was just that guy everyone knew they could count on no matter what. Then this happened. When he died, I feel that I too died with him. For about the first 2 1/2 months, I was in shock. It all still felt so unreal and I was so angry. I was angry with myself for not waking up earlier to stop him or even kiss him goodbye, I was angry with him for speeding and crashing, I was angry with God. I just didn't know how to feel. Once it hit the 3 months mark is when the reality really truly started to hit. He is gone and there is nothing I can do. I need to get on with my life, I know this. I still have a life to live and he would want me to live it to the fullest. But since he died, I've been stagnant. I haven't done anything productive or good. I've actually been doing very poorly and making horrible decisions that are only making matters worse. I'm 20 years old with a 4 year old and I should have it back together by now but I simply don't. I know what I have to do but I feel like I'm just stuck falling down into this horrible bottomless pit. I need to get out of this funk but I truly don't know how. I feel like people expect for me to be fine by now but they have no idea that I still cry my eyes out everyday, and that he is still on my mind 24/7.. I wish I had the strength Michael had, I always admired him for that. I don't know if I'm just weak or if this is normal. Just a little side note - previous to his death I was already going through a lot of things and had been suffering with severe depression for a few years. Any opinions on the matter? Anything is appreciated. I'm not one to talk about my issues very much so me putting this out there was actually something for me. 

[salem]

Your situation sounds really similar to mine. My boyfriend died in a car accident when I was 18 (I'm 20 now) and I'm also really struggling with not being able to move on, and with depression at the same time. For a while, I thought I had, but I think I was actually just ignoring my grief. The anger is so hard sometimes. One thing that I've started experimenting with is reading grief memoirs. It can be surprisingly helpful to read about other people with similar grief. I think this is normal and we aren't weak, but I totally get that feeling. According to my therapist, you probably don't need to be worried unless you're still crying daily and things like that more than a year after the death, although now that I've past the year mark, I'm hearing a lot of people say that the second year is also really hard, and it's the third year where things become more normal. In my opinion, putting this out there is a really big, healthy thing. It's really difficult and brave to write all of that out, especially so soon into your grief.

[Lana]

Same here. I lost Him 7 months ago. I am trying to act normal but I can,t.

[Forever His x]

hey alina , i know ive spoken to you on here before , sometimes takes a while for me to reply simply because i find it hard to come on a forum like this and also i have a 14 month old who is very active . 

Im 24 years old , and im trying to find a way forward in my so called "life" , if it wasnt for our son i dont think id be bothering with much . im still in denial and i cant believe what has happened , one minute im so numb i have no emotion but just sitting there like a zombie the next minute im crying cant control it and have a panic attack . 
i just dont know how or where to go from here like you guys dont either , i know people will see the age and think wow there young ect , but i had my whole life planned out with him he truly is my soul mate my everything , thats me done now for the rest of my life . i just cant register it all in my head . he is so perfect for me i say he was made for me . 
Why did he have to be taken so cruelly im a mess and i cant see me sorting the rest of my life out i dont want to go on without him . 
theres not a second that i dont think about him , its terrible when baby goes to bed as that was our time what do i do at night time now i have nothing to do . i either cry or go to sleep really early just to wake up at random times during the night , i know things wont get better but been told we will live with it differently but at the moment i dont see how when i wont be living with him , i still expect to see him and his perfect smile coming home through the door . 

What a mess !!!!
 

[Alina0815]

5 hours ago, salem said:

Your situation sounds really similar to mine. My boyfriend died in a car accident when I was 18 (I'm 20 now) and I'm also really struggling with not being able to move on, and with depression at the same time. For a while, I thought I had, but I think I was actually just ignoring my grief. The anger is so hard sometimes. One thing that I've started experimenting with is reading grief memoirs. It can be surprisingly helpful to read about other people with similar grief. I think this is normal and we aren't weak, but I totally get that feeling. According to my therapist, you probably don't need to be worried unless you're still crying daily and things like that more than a year after the death, although now that I've past the year mark, I'm hearing a lot of people say that the second year is also really hard, and it's the third year where things become more normal. In my opinion, putting this out there is a really big, healthy thing. It's really difficult and brave to write all of that out, especially so soon into your grief.

Thank you for your reply, it's good to hear that input from your therapist. I've been thinking maybe I should go see someone? My sisters a psychiatrist but it's not the same talking to her because I've never been close to anyone in my family so I feel like I can't tell her much. Has it helped you any to speak to a professional?

[Alina0815]

2 hours ago, Forever His x said:

hey alina , i know ive spoken to you on here before , sometimes takes a while for me to reply simply because i find it hard to come on a forum like this and also i have a 14 month old who is very active . 

Im 24 years old , and im trying to find a way forward in my so called "life" , if it wasnt for our son i dont think id be bothering with much . im still in denial and i cant believe what has happened , one minute im so numb i have no emotion but just sitting there like a zombie the next minute im crying cant control it and have a panic attack . 
i just dont know how or where to go from here like you guys dont either , i know people will see the age and think wow there young ect , but i had my whole life planned out with him he truly is my soul mate my everything , thats me done now for the rest of my life . i just cant register it all in my head . he is so perfect for me i say he was made for me . 
Why did he have to be taken so cruelly im a mess and i cant see me sorting the rest of my life out i dont want to go on without him . 
theres not a second that i dont think about him , its terrible when baby goes to bed as that was our time what do i do at night time now i have nothing to do . i either cry or go to sleep really early just to wake up at random times during the night , i know things wont get better but been told we will live with it differently but at the moment i dont see how when i wont be living with him , i still expect to see him and his perfect smile coming home through the door . 

What a mess !!!!
 

Yup I feel the same way. Every night when I go to sleep I hope and pray that he'll wake me up in the morning from this horrible nightmare. Just like you, we had so many plans. But now I honestly don't even have a solid place to live. Before we were living in our apartment together each paying half of the rent but since his half of the rent was no longer coming, it was too much for me to keep up with so I had to leave and move in with my sister. But I can only be here for another couple weeks which is just making things more complicated. Right now I'm supposed to be getting ready to move from my city in Texas to Washington so he could finish up his air traffic control school and we could start a new life there. I don't know what's happened, I can't come to terms with it

[salem]

17 hours ago, Alina0815 said:

Thank you for your reply, it's good to hear that input from your therapist. I've been thinking maybe I should go see someone? My sisters a psychiatrist but it's not the same talking to her because I've never been close to anyone in my family so I feel like I can't tell her much. Has it helped you any to speak to a professional?

Yeah, I really like my therapist. She's a clinical social worker, and I definitely recommend that kind of therapist, because she's a lot less intimidating than the more medical kind of therapists I've gone to in the past, and social workers have a very different background that's more about helping people find their strengths and stuff like that. She lets me talk about my boyfriend as much as I want to, which is really nice, because everyone else gets super uncomfortable and changes the subject. Plus, in the first year and even now, it's really nice to have someone who can tell you whether things are normal or not, because they almost always are, but obviously it's still easy to worry about that.

[Forever His x]

22 hours ago, Alina0815 said:

Yup I feel the same way. Every night when I go to sleep I hope and pray that he'll wake me up in the morning from this horrible nightmare. Just like you, we had so many plans. But now I honestly don't even have a solid place to live. Before we were living in our apartment together each paying half of the rent but since his half of the rent was no longer coming, it was too much for me to keep up with so I had to leave and move in with my sister. But I can only be here for another couple weeks which is just making things more complicated. Right now I'm supposed to be getting ready to move from my city in Texas to Washington so he could finish up his air traffic control school and we could start a new life there. I don't know what's happened, I can't come to terms with it

thats what i hate waking up then reality is now the nightmare what is that all about ! have you taken all of his stuff with you to your sisters ? 
i dont even know if im coming or going im all over the place , same as you i cant get any of it in my head and i just want to see him walking through my door , i know im not going to see him but i wont let myself admit it , im a mess and nothing can be done about it the only thing that will solve this is having him .
how are you we meant to carry on in this so called life i just dont get it . so cruel so many mixed emotions . ahh just miss him so much why did this have to happen !  

[EternalFlames]

What you're feeling sounds normal. I wouldn't be worried. They say losing your partner takes over a year to fully process the grief. Hell, I'm still crying and thinking about my lost partner all the time too. If I am not out doing something or distracting myself with work or parties or activities, memories of her flood to the surface, or I'm staring at photos of her on my phone for an hour.

I lost my partner slowly due to disease, but I hear that the shock of a sudden accident like that is totally different and really sets you off for a while. March is still very recent. And you're so young. You have your whole life ahead of you. Who cares if you're productive today. You have plenty of time for that in the future. Take the time you need to grieve and deal with his loss. It's OK to still be crying. It's OK to still be thinking about him all the time.

Do you have anyone to help you take care of your 4 year old? Your sister or parents or other family or friends? That might help relieve some of the stress. Anyone able to help you out financially, with rent, etc?

Also, because of your history of depression, there is a risk that the grief will be prolonged and lead to more depression, so it wouldn't hurt to talk to a grief counsellor or support group or someone else just to make sure your mental health is not at risk later down the line.

Good luck!