Just Lost My Girlfriend

[Jeff In Denver]

My GF, Mila, had breast cancer 5 years ago.  Two years ago this month it came back.  We were headed to a town in the Colorado mountains to enjoy the day when we got the news.  I couldn't stop crying, and I'm not that kind of guy.  I pledged to support her and do everything I could to help her through this.  Although I got overwhelmed and frustrated at times, I never stopped.  I took her to naturopaths, acupuncturists, Chinese doctors, nutritionists, etc.  In her last month I hired a consultant helped to get her on track with MMJ oil.  Nothing worked.    Here are the details if you want to see them:  https://community.breastcancer.org/forum/8/topics/843804?page=2#idx_56

We lost her last Tuesday (6/14).

I lived in a world of doctor appointments, bad news and worse news, constantly e-mailing her doctor, researching possible cures,   I felt overwhelmed when ambulances would come to the house and it would be filled with medical people.  I was annoyed by the long and frequent drives to clinics, hospitals, drugstores, and appointments.   I'd think:  "I didn't sign up for this."   

I'd get annoyed, but I also knew (as did she, that I was very worried about her and loved her. 

She had a house 11 miles south, but chose to live with me.  Her mother and aunt came up from Peru to help.   Her son stayed during breaks, and even her ex-husband and good friend was there.  I was very gracious to them.

Now, the house is empty, and it's a crushing feeling.  I used to think that it would be great to have it back to myself, but it's not true.

I am dealing with  5 phases:

1. Missing her terribly.  I removed her clothes from the house, shampoo, boxes, etc.  But I kept the many things that she bought for me.   Those are better reminders.  I still picture her on the couch, where she was for almost 2 months.

2.  I get that pit of-the-stomach pain when I think of how she suffered.

3. On the night before she died, in the hospice I told her how much I love her, that I loved her more than anyone, and that I will miss her.  She shook her head "yes" to show that she understood.   We had broken up 3 times over 10 years due to my getting tired of the relationship and getting with other women, breaking her heart.  But she came back.  This time I was really good to her, we saw a councilor (reluctantly on my part), we traveled to Peru, and enjoyed life.  We talked or e-mailed 20 times per day.   We had stupid little sayings and jokes that we shared.  I think that's a kind of love.

4.  I don't want to ever move on.  She was the best, and I don't want to even every try to do better.  But I don't want to be alone for ever.  It's way early for that, though.

5. I am not spiritual or religious, but I hope that she is still present with me, and that we'll be together again.  If I ever find someone, and the previous sentence is true, I would hope that she wouldn't be hurt, and that she'd understand that everything is temporary until we're together again.

Her friends, mostly from South America, were caring at first, but now they are dropping away.   They were probably tired of me asking questions.  If I here "she's is a better place" one more time, I will lose it.  I'm going to see the councilor that we saw together.  That part will be sad, but at least she knows my girlfriend.  So much to work through.  Thanks for reading.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

[claribassist13]

Jeff,

I'll skip the "I'm so sorry for you loss" statement. I mean it with my whole heart, but that statement does nothing to touch the hole that now occupies the vast majority of your heart. 

All of the phases you are feeling are completely natural, but I should let you know what you are only a week in. Unfortunately, these feeling will probably progress as the weeks go long. The best thing I can say is take one day at a time and remember her in the best way you know how. 

[Jeff In Denver]

49 minutes ago, claribassist13 said:

 

Claribassist13,

Thank you for writing that.  You are very kind...  Also, I see from your previous posts that it's been over half a year for you.   Are you gradually improving?

[claribassist13]

Kindness has nothing to do with it. I am six months into the loss of my fiance, so I can only speak to what I have experienced and the the massive amounts of research I've done on the psychological and physiological effects of grief. 

However, I have found the there is some pretty great support on this site. People tend to rally around you when you need it. 

[Jeff In Denver]

Well, your kindness has something to do with it or your wouldn't have written to a stranger.  I appreciate that a lot.  I will read more of your posts as it sounds like you know a lot about this.

By the way, I noticed another thing.  Almost without exception, when I start telling someone I know about my recent loss, they listen for a few sentences, and then switch the conversation to their experience - their father, uncle, brother, etc.  It drives me crazy!  One friend of my girlfriend calls me every day to see how I am doing.  Invariably I get:   "When my father died (4 years ago) I was..."   At work and with other friends it's the same thing.  Sometimes we just need to talk! 

[claribassist13]

I have noticed that as well. Everyone thinks they can relate and they think that they can fix it. Sometimes we really just need to talk an vent. 

Feel free to private message me if you ever need an ear. 

[EternalFlames]

There are no words that do justice, but I am really sorry to hear you had to go through that (hearing at least some form of acknowledgment helped me, at least).

I lost my partner to cancer just 2 months ago. It's still very raw, but I can say that I felt better this last month than I did the first month. That's something to look forward to I guess?

Forget about the breakups. You were there with her at the end, right by her side, and she knew you loved her when she left this world. That's what matters most.

I'm also far from an emotional guy (before, I had cried maybe once in the last 10 years), and near the end of her life, at her funeral, and the weeks afterwards I started bawling a couple times a week and having intense vivid dreams. It feels weird. You may have to get used to it for a while, but I hear it's much healthier to let it all out soon.

It's OK to be thinking about wanting to move on, at a later time. Don't feel guilty about it. I read that men especially tend to have thoughts about moving on sooner, perhaps craving that lost emotional connection again or fear of being stuck alone for life. It's not at all disrespectful to her memory (some friends tried to tell me it was, but **** em, they don't know grief). Whenever you're ready is right.