Nobody wants to listen anymore

[green7]

It's been two months since my wonderful boyfriend left this world. To some people, I should be better by now. But I'm not, sometimes life  seems to start getting better but then,  reality knocks me down. I went back to work, and everyday is a little less harder, since my boyfriend and I worked together going everyday to a place that reminds me of him is not the easiest thing to do. But try to avoid places that remind me of him is impossible, his memories are everywhere, at work, at home, my car, the movie theater....every where. 

Some days I'm ok, but there are days when I don't even want to get out of bed.  And all I do is cry, and ask why? Why him? Why now?  I can't talk to my friends anymore because they don't know what to say, or what to do, neither my family. Dealing with a grieving person is kind of uncomfortable for most people. I don't feel free to say how i really feel, how much I miss him, how much I wish he was still here with me, with his family. If I could trade places with him I would. My counselor has asked me many times if I'm suicidal, I'm not, I don't have the courage to take my own life, but honestly I don't see the purpose of continuing in this world without him. The pain is unbearable, most nights I can't sleep and when I do, I have nightmares. Some days I feel like the best I can do to honor his memory is fighting, keep going, as hard as it is. Graduate from school, achieve my goals and pursue my dreams, do all the things I told him I wanted to do, but at times I don't have the energy, I'm just too sad and tired, maybe it's too soon. I try to stay strong, but some days like today I can't. And all I want is to see him again, hear his voice, hug him tight and never let go. 

[Alina0815]

I'm on the same page as you. I'm so sorry to hear about your loss, my heart truly aches for you. I too lost my boyfriend on March 8th. It was a little over 3 months ago. And I also feel like people think I should be fine by now, but I'm no where near it. Like you said, some days are alright and others feel like hell. There are times when I just want to scream and lunch a wall and bury my face in my pillow and scream. I can't sleep or seem to do anything right anymore. I tried coping with the pain in all the wrong ways at first and it only made things so much worse for me. Losing the one you were supposed to be with is unbearable. And people don't understand that you don't "get better". You just learn to live with the pain. The best thing to do is to keep the mind busy. Do things that make you happy. Even if you don't want to, just TRY. Even if that's all you can do. 

[claribassist13]

Next Tuesday will make six months for me, and I still have all of those problems that you described. 

green7, you are right. Once people get over the shock that comes with being an onlooker to your grief a lot of people find it difficult to deal with. There are not many people who are willing or able to stick around for the long-term grief process. The novelty of what has happened wears off for them, and they assume it should be the same for us as well. 
We live in a "fix-it" society. People want to help, in their own way, but death is not something that can be fixed. That kind of finality and permanency is difficult for people to grasp if they have not lost someone before. 

At 2 or 3 months in you are still in the very beginning stages of grief. I know that it took me at least 3.5 months to get over the shock of what happened, which when allows other emotions to flood in. As much as it sucks, this is really your brain's way of protecting you. I know that all of of the emotions you have felt/will feel seem overwhelming and unbearable. And with as bad as that seems, it would be worse if our brain did not function the way it did. We curse it most days, but that in fact is what is saving our lives. 

I suppose what I am really trying to say is that everything you are feeling is normal. It is going to take months before you start to feel like truly wanting to do anything again. I am going back to school in August, and I honestly could not care less about it.

Take the days you need to just cry. You have to let them come one by one and you have to deal with them as they arise. Continue to see your counselor, and continue talking to us here. We understand what you are going through, and you can always talk to us.