Nightmare, I want to wake up from...

[Lynn C.]

Last week I lost my boyfriend, soon to be fiance', and my daughter's father. I wish that this was a nightmare I could just wake up from. He passed away in his sleep, just 5 days before his 30th birthday. We were planning a huge surprise party and he didn't even live to see it. I have so many emotions. Shock, anger, fear, and jealousy. Why him? We were planning a wonderful life together, he was the best father to our daughter, and my best friend . My heart is broken, and even more for my daughter who is only 17 months and doesn't fully understand why her dad is now gone and has not returned. People keep asking how I am, I say that I'm just taking it day by day, but I what I want to say is I feel like my life has fallen apart. I know they are concerned but I don't feel like they will ever truly be able to understand unless they are experiencing or have experienced this type of loss. I get up each day go to work etc. try to maintain some normalcy for myself and most importantly my daughter...when all I really want to do is lock myself away, sleep, and wake up from this nightmare.

[Forever His x]

Hi , 

I have been browsing on here for just over three weeks , I've felt like I want to write my own bit on here but don't feel I'm quiet ready as I can't admit to myself that I am on a forum like this , and when I read the situations people are in it hits me that I am too . 

I don't even know how to say any of what i want too , but I have lost my fiance and I also have a 13 month old son with him , I have so many mixed emotions but I'm broken and I'm so lost he is my everything and I just don't know what I'm meant to do anymore . 

I felt I needed to reply to you as you also have a young baby too . 

Can you come and wake me up too ? 

[Lynn C.]

Hi,

I am sorry that you are having to go through this too. I know there are no words. I felt like one day everything was fine and now everything is crazy. Each day is struggle waking up with a sickening feeling knowing that some one you loved so much is not there. It was very difficult going back to work, I felt like every time people saw me I was a reminder of sadness instead my usual upbeat self. Some days I want to shut myself away from everyone and everything, my daughter is my only reason for not doing so. I try taking her out to the park and doing other things, but it's so hard because many of those things we did as a family and it is a constant reminder of my loss. I feel sad when I see other happy families and try not to cry . I'm glad that you reached out to me. Like you I got on this forum last week, reading through many posts...not having enough nerve to post...feeling alone and comfort in knowing I wasn't all alone in dealing with a loss as I some times feel. I went to a single mothers forum first but the circumstances are totally different...and I couldn't relate. I am here if you want to vent...or just need some kind of support. My friends/fam are trying to be supportive but they just don't understand.

[Forever His x]

I'm also so sorry that you are also going through this horrible pain . Reading your reply made me teary as I understand every word ! , and it hits deep , I have also looked at the single mum threads but it's all by choice there's nothing in there NOT by choice and like you say it doesn't come close to comparing . I didn't need something like this to happen to know how lucky I was to have him as mine , he is my soulmate and we were complete and now I'm broken , he is too beautiful too young and too perfect to be taken , none of it makes sense and I've got so many things going on in my head then on the other hand I'm totally numb and I'm trying to keep it together through the numbnes,  we done everything together I feel I can't do anything anymore I even feel guilty for eating . Then there's the baby it breaks my heart , his not going to know him , and he won't get to bring him up by my side we was meant to do this all together his ours not mine , I couldn't of asked for anything more from him he was a perfect man a perfect fiance and a perfect dad , I've wrote all this but I'm still so numb just nothing makes sense without him , I'm glad I've replied to you as straight away I understand what ure saying as with me too others don't , and I feel I have nothing to say to anyone anymore coz I'm so sad , i don't know how to get through the days anymore theve all rolled in to one .  Id do anything to have him back to touch him to see him . He is my soulmate it's like he was made for me . I just can't get it in my head what has happened . 

[Lynn C.]

I can relate to everything you're saying. I'm im such a strange place, I've never experienced a death so close to me, and grieving with a toddler is extremely hard. I don't want her to see me sad and depressed, but at the same time it's so hard for me to move forward. Then it's like I want to show her that it's ok to cry and that I can relate to her sadness by not pretending that everything is fine. I'm not sure why life happens the way it does. I feel very broken as well, I'm not looking forward to holidays etc. I keep thinking about the future and how he won't be with us and it makes me so sad. I'm trying to find some peace in all of this because I don't want to be so miserable around my daughter. I'm trying not to look so far ahead and just take it one moment at a time. It has helped me knowing that I'm not alone... I've been mentally shutting out all of my friends because they are happy...enjoying life.. and a reminder of what I previously had, but at the same time I don't want to isolate myself in fear of being alone and going in a downward spiral. My life basically revolved around him and our little family. I guess I'm trying to figure out what now.

[Forever His x]

How long have you and your partner been together and how long since it happened ? 

I feel the exact same way with my/our little boy , I don't want him to bounce off of my vibes yet I've lost the love of my life , it's all just such a mess , I can't stop playing that day over and over in my head and the thought that it didnt need to happen and was an accident wrong place at the wrong time , I just can't see a way through this , I like you think about the future about us about our little boy is he going to be ok ect,  then I have to try and slow down as I need to make it through the next hour not think about the rest , the worse response I have heard by far is 'oh well baby's too young he won't even remember ' wow thankyou for that you've made everything better ! How heartless and that's the worse bit I'm going to have to tell him about his dad ,  not grow with him . I know exactly what you mean there too my life was him and our little man , like you we were the perfect family and had it all because we had each other . My whole life has been stolen with in a minute his only 26. I wake up can't wait for it to be bed time then think what's the point tommorow is going to be the exact same . There is no enjoyment anymore . I feel so sorry for our little boy it's so cruel some people don't deserve to be dads but wow he is amazing I bet like your man too . The good ones get taken and it's so wrong . Our little boy has the exact same eyes as his daddy and it's heart breaking . I'm still so numb and in shock and disbelief I've tried to stop myself from loosing it because once I start crying I won't stop . What is this life all about ! 

I'm sorry for going on its just nice to be able to talk to someone who understands and doesn't judge but at the same time its not nice because I just want him like you do yours ! . 

[Lynn C.]

We were together for six years, He passed away on May 26th...one of the worst days of my life. How long were you guys together, and when did everything happen? Do you have help with the baby? My mom has stepped in to help out with baby while I work and figure things out etc. Sometimes I get frustrated with her because I've been on my own for long, and I'm just so upset about this whole situation, but I know she is just trying to help and I appreciate her being here. I don't mind I know what you mean it's nice to be able to vent to someone who really understands.

[Forever His x]

We had also been together for 6 years , and it all happened on the 18th of May . I know exactly what you mean there ! I can remember the day so clearly I feel like it happened yesterday not 4 weeks ago . Have you had the funeral ? . 

We live next door to my parents so I'm used to seeing them and feel very lucky with all the help I am getting it's nice when I get so upset that I can pass baby over so he doesn't have to see me in hysterics . And I get time to try and gather my thoughts and calm down . 

But I can understand why you get frustrated at times too although your thankful for the help , everything is so out of routine now and nothing makes sense , I don't even know how to admit to myself it's happened let alone try and be ok , it's just the same each day I know it's early but early for what he should be here like yours . I hate the fact I'm a single mum although I'm classed as that I don't feel like one I still feel his mine and I'm his . It's just all so horrible .

I feel so guilty that I'm seeing our little boy grow and he isn't . 

 Are you the same age as your partner ? 

[Lynn C.]

Yeah we had the funeral, did you have one? I was just a year younger then him, were you around the same age as your partner? Ok, that's good. I'm glad you have help. I know it is still very early and all of this is so new to me, but one thing that I'm doing that has been helping is writing messages to him. I  know it sounds a little strange but I have a notepad in my phone and whenever I feel upset, sad, angry, confused, like I really want to tell him something...I just write it in a msg..I know he is not here to read it but a part of me feels better getting all my thoughts/emotions out.. and I feel connected like he can hear me but can't respond...still trying to find peace in all of this.

I know he would not want to see me miserable and in a bad place. As tough as it is I'm trying to be positive. I know father's day is coming up. I'm really dreading this day...as much as I want to sit around in disbelief and cry all day I decided to think of ways to celebrate him.. honor how great of a man and father he was to our daughter...I know it is easier said then done....still taking it one moment at a time. I'm not fond of being labeled as a single mom either....but I guess for now those are the closest ppl I will be able identify with....I don't want to be around the other moms with partners right now...I hate to be that way but right now it's just too painful.

[Forever His x]

It's been a struggle since its happened with family fueds so without going in to to much for my own reasons I did not attend the funeral out of respect for my fiance , it's what you did for them when they were here that counts not after they have gone . But I had battled my way through it all and I have got his ashes . How wrong is that I don't want them but I'm glad I've got them but I want him !! . Did you have a cremation or burial ? 

That does not sound strange at all I have been wrighting in a note book and need a new one now , as I've been putting all the little detailed memorys in there just in bullet points , so I have them forever and it helps me with the mess in my head . And everything he does with baby too . I have spoken to him out loud once but fount it very hard but I will again . I haven't felt any different since it happened but last few days have been crying alot , I had visitors today so put a tiny bit of mascara on I now look like the joker from batman I couldnt hold It together . 

I'm two years younger than him . That is such an amazing thing to try and do and makes sense as to why your going to try and do that . I can't quiet get over the fact it's happened im still such a mess and dont feel strong enough yet . I'm doing the opposite at the moment im going to take that day as just another day I can't face it . I have been on the single mum sites and they still reply with well my partner walked out on us ect but it's just not the same yet they seem to think it is there just isn't that understanding there with them . Never thought life would be like this just as you didn't either just don't know how I'm / your meant to carry on from here he is my rock !   Have you thought about counscelling ? I'm debating about it . 

[Lynn C.]

We had a burial. It has been hectic with some of his family too...I met most of his family and knew about many of them but there are many relatives reaching out whom I never met or who I know he wasn't close with. I was getting overwhelmed. I know they want to see the baby because she looks just like him, some feel guilty for not being in touch with him...others are concerned..and some just don't know what else to do. I had back to some ppl off in a polite way for my sanity. It's hard to grieve abd deal with so many ppl, atleast for me. Don't be too hard on yourself. Grieving is a process, everyone has to go through at their own pace. If I'm sad, I cry..if I'm not up to seeing ppl I let them know. Many ppl don't understand this pain, they will try but unless they have had this type of loss they really don't know. I'm learning to do what is best for me....and not feel guilty about it. I have thought about counseling. I will see how things go.

[Forever His x]

i totally understand how its hard with the other side of the family , dont hear about any of them yet there they are trying to put the thoughts in on the situation . i have no regrets with the decisions i have made throughout this as every decision i made has been what he would of wanted and ive respected his wishes and will carry on to do this . 
i have grown to realize it doesnt matter what others think i need to do what i know is right and not what they "think" is right . 
i also agree 100% there no one understands the pain or the situation unless they have experienced it . ive got good support from a couple of friends but at the end of the day they go home after visits to their partners and carry on with their own lives . yet im still sitting there thinking thoughts around my head . it just never leaves . 
just why , what is all of this even about . do you cry every day ? how is your daughter  ? 

[Lynn C.]

At some point in the day I do find myself crying, usually when it's quiet. Some days are better than others. One minute I feel ok, trying to be normal.. be positive...and the next moment I get a memory of something we did, see a picture...hear a song....just wake up without him..and a sickening feeling comes over me.. that's when the pain hits me.. the permanence of it all becomes a reality.

My daughter has been being some what defiant. I'm not sure if it's because she is just being a toddler or she's dealing with the grief in her own way. She has been throwing tantrums, falling out,trying to bite me when I say no, etc. She is usually a good baby, she had her moments at times but was overall good. She is sleeping through the night, but yesterday she woke up in the middle of the night screaming/crying. I knew she had missed her dad...I knew it was that because she has never done that type of hysterical crying...only the night he passed away and yesterday. She looks at his pictures/ family pictures a lot...she calls his name throughout the day...Da Da..it's heartbreaking. I took her to the cemetery on Father's day to put a flower, she looked very puzzled. I believes she thinks he went on trip and will return at some point, I feel so sad for her. I wish that were the case. How is your son?

[Krantz]

I understand how you feel.  I recently lost my fiancé three weeks ago and we were only 3.5 months away from our wedding.  He went to work on 06/01 then one of his coworkers found him unconscious at his desk then rushed to the hospital.  He didn't even make it there.  He passed away from a massive heart attack at the age of 32. I still think I'm in this horrible nightmare and need to wake up from this, but then reality hits me.  All I can say, especially now since this is fresh, is be around your family, his family, and friends for support. Adam and I were always together besides being at work.  Weekends and nights are the worse for me.  If you ever need to chat, please message me.  I'm starting grief counseling today and I'm hoping it helps..

 

[Lynn C.]

Krantz I'm sincerely sorry about your loss. Yes nights and weekends are the worst...I feel very lonely at times. My boyfriend was about to be 30, he had no known health issues.. lead  a pretty healthy life style as well. I'm still waiting on the autopsy report to find out why he went to sleep and never woke up. I'm in a state of denial, I know he is gone but a part of me does not want to accept it. I know you are just getting ready to start the counseling but please let me know if it is helpful. I'm deciding whether or not I should attend. I'm here if you need to chat as well.

[Krantz]

Grief counseling did help. My counselor set a plan to help me get through "my wedding day" and other special days like his birthday, Christmas, etc knowing full well those days will be difficult. Also, just talking and letting out your feelings helps you get relief. When I'm at work, I try to hold in my feelings, so talking to someone who will not judge me but here to give me advice helps. 

[Forever His x]

im feeling very drained with it all at the moment , theres a constant battle with in my own head that i cant get away from , i need to get something to do i feel im going to go mad . 
one minute im feeling numb and theres no emotion im just like a zombie next minute the deep thoughts have kicked in and i cant control the crying cant breathe and go into a panic attack , im struggling just to get through each day im just so lost now , hows your daughter been now ?  his doing well when im upset he will go off my vibes but im lucky i can pass him over to family , but apart from that his doing really well as his too young to understand which is heartbreaking on its own , his growing and developing and has already changed so much and i dont want him too as my fiance is missing it all . everythings a mess . 

Ive been trying to get an appointment for counselling but it seems to be taking forever to come through its good to know its helped a little bit gives me slight hope to keep patient and keep going with it  .

[heather chudej]

hello, i just signed up for this forum and as i read both of ur posts i feel connected to you, i lost my husband May 8th, we just celebrated our sixth anniversary april 30th and he was violently taken from me.  everyone one around me has vanished, the last time i was invited to a friends gathering i pretty much griped at everyone for not wanting to talk to me all because they dont know what to say or dont want to greive, they get to wake everyday and live their lives normally and once in a while they remember that something horrible has happened and then they feel sad, i am just now coming out of the shock and my emotions are crazy, this constant aganizing and longing of just wanting to touch him or have that feeling of togetherness and love that only he gave me, i dont even know how to describe it but none of my friends seem to even care anymore and i just want to scream at everybody 

[Forever His x]

25 minutes ago, heather chudej said:

hello, i just signed up for this forum and as i read both of ur posts i feel connected to you, i lost my husband May 8th, we just celebrated our sixth anniversary april 30th and he was violently taken from me.  everyone one around me has vanished, the last time i was invited to a friends gathering i pretty much griped at everyone for not wanting to talk to me all because they dont know what to say or dont want to greive, they get to wake everyday and live their lives normally and once in a while they remember that something horrible has happened and then they feel sad, i am just now coming out of the shock and my emotions are crazy, this constant aganizing and longing of just wanting to touch him or have that feeling of togetherness and love that only he gave me, i dont even know how to describe it but none of my friends seem to even care anymore and i just want to scream at everybody 

Hey , 

Im sorry for your loss , i bet like most of us you cant believe you are reading a forum like this let alone posting on it . 
im glad you posted its always nice to talk to others who are going through the same thing but also its not nice that we are , id rather be sitting with him or in bed laying next to him than sitting typing on here . 
i understand everything youve said as everyone will , ive weve youve lost so much , i cant believe how much ive lost in one man , its annoying when so called friends disappear if they were true friends they wouldnt have to say anything just be there for comfort , but no one understands like people will on this forum , its ok for them after the chats we have with them they go away and live their lifes how they have planned out to be . and were left sitting here with our lives being stolen from us . 
im still in a daze with it all i wont accept it i cant accept it and i want to see him walk through the door , i cant get my head around any of it and im a total mess , i feel that its all over from now on  like ive posted above , i literally get up every day for our little boy . the only thing that can make this better is having him which deep down i know isnt going to happen . 
i get the feeling i just want to scream even if its at a wall just what is this even all about !!