How can I live without him?

[Missy]

my fiance died in a car accident on May 12.  I really don't know how I've managed to get to June 3.  It seems hard to believe it's been 3 weeks.  There are times when seem to accept it, an others when I, literally don't know how I'm going to go on another 5 minutes with out him.  I've read some posts on this site, and I swear, I could have written every single one of them.  I have sought out professional grief counseling, and it is helping, but sometimes I just feel so desperate, I need to reach out to people.  Especially people that know what I'm going through.

The thing that is really killing me is that I talked to him on the phone just hours before the accident.  I was annoyed at him and when we went to hang up, I did not say "I love you" like I usually did...I did it on purpose to make a point and he died a few hours later.

How can I possibly live with that forever?????

I keep thinking if I die, I could be with him?

OH GOD, this i the worst pain I have ever felt.

[claribassist13]

Missy, 

I lost my fiance in a car accident in December. I am just past the 5 month mark, and I still feel all of these things. 

I know that is not what you wanted to hear, but hopefully it will allow you to cut yourself some slack. You are only 3 weeks into this thing. At my 3 week mark I had still really yet to process what had happened. You are going to go through various stages, and they will all suck. You'll need to allow yourself the time to not only process what has happened, but also take time to grieve your loss. 

You didn't say I love you, but that doesn't mean that he didn't know it. My fiance and I had not talked for 3 days before his accident (we were both working that weekend) and yet I know that he knew that I loved him. I am positive that the same thing is true for your fiance. You don't have to say "i love you" for someone to know that you do. 

[StillLoveMelanie]

I know how you feel.  I didn't tell my fiance I loved her after we had dinner.  Like you, i was making a point.  An hour or so later her ex was dropping off one of her kids at her house and she was unconscious.  She was rushed to the hospital and they got her heart going and then I spent the whole night telling her how much I loved her.  She crashed in the morning and they couldn't revive her.  That was two months ago and I still feel horrible that I didnt tell her that one time like I always did.  Other people tell me, that was one tiny part of relationship and she knew how much I loved her.  I hope she did, but it doesn't really help knowing the last words werent what they should have been.  I've read the "year of magical thinking" and a point is made that death happens on ordinary days.  This day just wasn't as good as so many of the other ones we had together.  It's been two months for me now and it's still a struggle to get through some days.  There are things that remind me so much of her and the things we had planned.  I still don't know how "better" I am, but I know things will get better.  I just don't know when.  It's a difficult process and I am trying to get through it.  Not sure how I am going to get through this, but I am and so will you.  

I've told a few people that being around people who have had to deal with loss helps me.  It might for you as well.  I went to a group meeting for people who have recently lost a loved one and that seemed to help a good bit if even for a short bit.  They are meeting again in a few weeks and I will be going to that as well.  If you ever need anyone to talk to, reach out to friends and family and on here.  The people here are all going through or have gone through the same thing. Just knowing that others have made it through their loss and this terrible process of grief, helps

[Shaman]

missy You can ! I know whAT YOUR GOING THROUGH.

[MadelineMQ]

All -- It saddens me to know that others are experiencing the wrenching pain I feel, but I am happy to have found this site and find solace in knowing there are others who can relate. I lost my fiance and partner of seven years in a tragic accident. He was on a trip in Michigan with his friends when he was in an auto accident on 5/26/16. I received the call the following morning and was told I needed to fly from our home in Colorado to be with him in the hospital. When I arrived he had already been placed in a medically induced coma and remained that way until he passed on 6/6/16. He passed with my family and his family by his side, he was only 30 years old. Being with him in the hospital was the most traumatic experience of my life and I can't seem to shake the memories--seeing him lying there, and me feeling completely helpless. The grief feels impossible to bear, and knowing that he is the only person in the world who could possibly understand the loss I'm feeling is the most lonely feeling in the world. We purchased our first house in May 2015 and were engaged to be married on September 1, 2016. He was the kindest, most gentle person I've ever known. He loved me more than I've ever been loved before and I loved him more than I can even put into words.

I cant help, however, feeling guilt over all of the things I could and should have done differently. I'm trying desperately to just hang on to the fact that he was happy, we shared an amazing life together, and that the bright moments far out-weighed the dark. One thing that keeps me going is to imagine reversing the roles. If it were me who died, would I want him to live the rest of his life full of regret and sadness over the seemingly small fights (like not saying 'I love you' the last time you hung up the phone)? The answer is absolutely 'No'. Not an ounce of my being would want him to suffer over the things that can't now be changed. If in life you both knew your love was real and deep, then in death you believe the same.

Lately I'm also feeling terrified about where he is now. We were spiritual and faithful, but not religious. Where is he? Is he with God? Does everything end when you die? Is he watching me when I cry? Is he sad to see me cry? Does he wish he could return or is he in a better place? I'm also struggling with the profound sadness I feel for him. He had his whole life in front of him and I was all ripped away in an instant. Of all the people in this world, he was one of the best examples of a moral, ethical, loyal, generous, optimistic, happy souls that I've known and he, of all people, did not deserve this.

Like many of you have mentioned, it helps to have support of family and friends, but no one truly understands the depth of sadness, loneliness and fear you feel after losing your partner. The grief seems to finally be setting in; each day is more difficult, the depressing dreams are getting more vivid, and the terrifying reality of my new future life is coming into clearer view. I imagined finalizing wedding plans this week, not planning a memorial service for the love of my life. If you haven't experienced it you cant possibly grasp the profundity of the emptiness.

I wish you all as much peace as you can muster each minute and urge you to live each day in a way that would make your partner proud--to make them say "That's my girl/boy! There's the person I know and love!" My thoughts and prayers go out to each of you today and tomorrow.

-M

[Jeff In Denver]

Missy,  I could have written most of your post, as well.  I don't know if this will help, but please read these words regarding your guilt or regret:

In the wise words of internationally known author and publisher Louise Hay, we do the best we can with our understanding at the time, and when we know better, we do better. 

Those words probably won't help, but if the situation were to happen again (a rewind), and you didn't know about the upcoming accident, you would have handled it the same way.  Try to be kind to yourself about this.  It was not intentional.

 

[KayC]

Missy,

He knows how you feel about him.  I agree with what Jeff wrote, hindsight is always easier, but we are human.

I'm so sorry for your loss.