Not getting better

[Kenny]

It's been over 5 years now and I still relive everything that happened. My wife took her life on April 10, 2011. Her last words to me you killed and ruined our family.  Then she drove away from me and our 4 year son, she was a nurse so she put an IV in herself and went to sleep forever. I know I was not the best husband and I  blame myself every day for what happened. I hate myself and will not forgive myself even though I know that is not what my Lord and saviour wants for me. I won't allow myself to be happy,  happiness is only a fleeting moment before the sadness takes over again. I don't mean to be inconcedrite but unless you have loss a spouse to suicide you cannot understand the pain we go through, just like I can't understand your pain. I do not know how to live without this pain nor do I know if I want too, I feel it is the only thing I have left. I was incarceratedin in August 2011 for 51 months, I lost my son and everything else that ment anything to me. Now I am at the VA and I am all alone, thats ok though I think that is the way my life will be until I go home to be with her. Please don't feel sorry for me, I just want others to know you are not alone in the way you feel. The guilt, shame, the self hatred we have for ourselves. I was responsible for what happened and no matter what anyone says will change that. So thank you for reading my distorted words and may God keep His Angeles around you always. 

[ModKonnie]

Kenny, 

I am so sorry you've suffered so tragically. Have you gotten any help for your grief, guilt and shame? If not, you really need to. I know your wife blamed you, but it is not your fault. It is never anyone else's fault someone decides to take their own life. It was her decision to end her life. I do not know what happened, but it doesn't matter. Please ask for help and take the offer. 

We will be with you,

ModKonnie