Members green7 Posted May 31, 2016 Members Report Share Posted May 31, 2016 It's been almost two months and I feel most deseaperate than the fisrt days after my wonderful boyfriend passed. I cry every day and I don't find joy in anything. I get out of my house just because my family and closets friends insist and I don't want them to worry about me. I don't want to go to work, but when I stay home I get worse, some times I don't even get out of bed in days. I try not to think about him, all the beautiful memories are painful because I know those moments won't be back. But when I refrain my self from thinking about him, all the memories, the pain, the sadness hit me at the same time. I don't know how to keep going without him. I try, I do. Last night my best friend got me out of the house. We went to the movies. I enjoyed it for a bit, but at the same time I felt bad, I wished I was at the movies with my boyfriend, I remembered the times I went to watch a movie with him, how I Lay my head on his shoulder and I missed him more than ever. I can't do the things I used to do with him because I can't help but think about him and cry. I know I can't change anything, I can't bring him back, so dying is the only way I can be with him again. I pray, I ask God to take me, to be with my love again. But it seems like he is not listening. And I can't stop asking why? Why him? Why I don't have the right to be happy, why he didn't have the right to live, to be happy, to achieve the goals he had. Why God had to take him, my sweet angel, my handsome, kind and young boyfriend. Learning how to continue without him is the hardest thing, simply because I don't want to be in this world without him. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members claribassist13 Posted May 31, 2016 Members Report Share Posted May 31, 2016 green7, The worst part of death is that it never affects just that particular individual. Those of us who live on after the loss of a loved one experience that same death, but in a much different manner. Tell me, if your boyfriend could see everything that you've done since his death, what would he say to you? As hard as losing him is, I sincerely doubt that he would want you to wallow in misery. He would, once you have taken your time to grieve and heal, want you to do all the things that you guys talked about doing. I have had many of the same thoughts since my fiance died. But I know him well enough to know that he would want me to (in his memory) do all the things we planned on doing together, For example, my fiance loved foreign languages. He taught himself Spanish, French, Latin, Portuguese, and Mandarin Chinese. After we were married we always planned on taking a trip to France so he could truly have a chance to speak the language while experiencing the culture as well. I've decided that next summer I will be going to France in his memory, because it is now up to me to accomplish all the goals we had set for ourselves. And maybe you aren't there yet, and that is okay. It is okay to be sad and to not get out of bed. You have to take your days one at a time. But maybe setting some goals or tasks like that might give you something to hold on to. It's our privilege to live the life denied to our loved ones. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members green7 Posted June 1, 2016 Author Members Report Share Posted June 1, 2016 Claribassist13, Thank you! You're right, I'm sure he wouldn't want me to be this miserable. I know he would want me to keep going, to see my friends, to graduate from college. He wanted to be a counselor, he loved helping people, specially people who suffer from addictions. He was a NY Giants fan, I personally don't watch football, but he was teaching me, he wanted me to be a giants fan as well. We live in Texas where literally everybody is a cowboy's fan so he had so much fun picking on his family and friends. I'm thinking about going to NY in September and go to a game. Also I was thinking about volunteering in a rehab center but I don't think I'm ready for that. I know he wouldn't want me to cry as I have been crying, he would want me to move on. Even his mom told me the same. I just don't see my self there yet. I try, I do, but I miss him so much. One of his sayings was "are you ready to be happy?" Sometimes I can't get those words out of my head. Thank you for your advice, it means a lot to me. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members claribassist13 Posted June 2, 2016 Members Report Share Posted June 2, 2016 green7, I think those are some fantastic goals! And maybe you aren't ready to do them yet, but those goals will give you something to work towards. And all of this doesn't meant that you can't cry and be sad. Our loved ones are pain-free now, and we are experiencing the worst pain of our lives. We have to be sad, more importantly, we have to feel whatever we are going to feel. That is going to help in our gradual healing process. However, the point is to not wallow in it. So, we need to have our moments, but we can't linger in them. Our loved ones can see so much more and know so much more now, and I know that they love us very much as well. All of things we wished for them they still wish for us. It's an awful thing we find ourselves in, but I think living in a way that will honor their memory will help our grief on several levels. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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