Lost love of my life & don't know how to keep going

[Millie681]

I lost my boyfriend who was also my best friend & I am struggling. It has been so painful & lonely. It will be 3 months since he passed this coming week & his birthday is this coming weekend . I am struggling everyday to live this new lonely life. All I can think of is all of things we would have been doing & planning. We had so many plans & already started living our lives as one. I never stop thinking about him & I just can't accept this new way of life. It is so hard especially when I feel as if some people expect me to be ok. I understand that there is nothing that can change the situation but I'm not ok. There are so many times that I wake up in the morning & I am mad that I did. All I want is to be with him & hear his voice. He was such a wonderful, positive, & loving man. My life is lonely & empty now. I am having a really hard time & I feel like I am just sad or angry all the time. I just don't know what to do anymore.

[claribassist13]

Millie681, 

First off, I am so sorry for your loss. Those words do absolutely nothing, but I have yet to find words I would rather hear.  

I lost my boyfriend (I chose to put fiance since we found the engagement ring he was going to give me) a little over 5 months ago, and I am still going through a lot of what you have described. 
You and I should be living with our loves, planning out our futures and spending every day with them. We should be planning dates and weddings and houses and everything else but the crap we are currently having to plan. Yes, we are quickly learning how final and permanent Death truly is. And despite the fact that is has been months, the truth of it is still hard to grasp. 

Sadly, you are only 3 months into a process that will last a lifetime. Grief doesn't just go away at the drop of a hat. Grief is something that we will deal with everyday for the rest of our lives. We've had so much stolen from us and there is so much to grieve. 
Please know that feeling sad and/or angry is perfectly okay. There is no time limit on when you should be feeling things and for how long you should be feeling them. I was in shock for the first couple of months, and for the past three months I have been a mixture of sad and angry (mostly angry for me). These emotions are natural, and feeling them is part of the eventual healing process.  

If you are able to, I would suggest seeing a grief counselor. A counselor will provide you with a person to talk to who won't judge you and will also help give your resources for coping with grief in a healthy way. 
And of course, you have an entire community of us on here. We are always more than happy to talk to you and with you. 

[StillLoveMelanie]

Millie,

Know you are not alone.  I lost my girlfriend two months ago.  Although I spent most of my nights there, we werent officially moved in or engage, but we both knew we would be getting married one day, but we both have kids and we waiting until mine got out of high school so she wouldnt have to move schools.  Melanie died very unexpectedly. We had dinner. She went home.  Her ex was dropping off one of her kids and found her.  She was rushed to the hospital where they got her heart going and made it through the night, but she crashed in the morning and they couldnt revive her.  Its like a huge fabric of myself has been ripped from me.  We did so much together and had so many plans.  It has only been two months for me.  I had the feelings of not wanting to be here without her too.  Those feelings faded some, but now they are back.  I dont know how to go on without her.  This past weekend we had plans for the holiday and we had plans for a vacation next month.  Know these feelings come and go.  As my grief counselor describes them, they come in waves.  Sometimes the waves are big and sometimes small, but waves go out as well.  There are days that seem better, not good and certainly not great, but better.

I would suggest a grief counselor as well.  It doesnt change the fact that your loved one is gone, but helps you with dealing with all the emotions.  I went to a group session as well at a hospice near me and that seemed to help a good bit.  Thee were people there experiencing the same raw emotions as you

Reach out to family and friends.  Its hard for them to know what you are going through, but tell them what you need.  I think people want to help, but dont know how.  Even if its just someone to come over and sit with you Just being around people does help.  I want to also say that we are here for you as well.  People who have commented on my loss and yourself remind me that I am not alone and neither are you

[Millie681]

claribassist13,

I am also so very sorry for your loss. Thank you for your kind words & letting me know I am not alone through this. It has been tough & trying to get people to understand what I am feeling & going through isn't easy.

I agree with you. We should be planning the happiest times in our lives & now we have to face this cruel reality. I feel like some people think that this is something we have to get over because there is nothing we can do to change it & that isn't right. I deal with a nightmare daily that starts when I open my eyes. 

I just started seeing a grief counselor. It is nice to have someone to talk to. She also suggested that I find a community like this to speak with others that are going through what I am going through.   

Again, thank you

[Millie681]

StillLoveMelanie,

I am so sorry for your loss. Your story is heartbreaking & I understand the pain. My boyfriend Pauls' passing was unexpected as well. I completely can relate to not knowing how to go on. How can we be expected to? It is like a part of you is missing. I hope you where able to surround yourself with loved ones this past holiday.

I started seeing a grief counselor & I am looking into groups to join. I found this site & reading the stories & feeling the kindness from others makes me feel less crazy. I felt like I was the only one going through these emotions. 

I don't have family. That's the thing he was my family & we were together every day. I have only 2 or 3 people who have been here for me but they have to go on with their lives & I understand that. I am very happy to have found this site & this community. Thank you for your kind words & giving me someone to talk to who understands.