Lost someone I hardly knew but now seems that changed life maybe forever

[agawam]

I am writing here as I really have the need to share my feelings/thoughts on what happened to me recently. 

So, couple of months ago I met a man (cause of work related issues). We spent an intense week together working hard, and at the end we got a little bit closer to eachother. I knew that he had drug- addiction problems earlier, but he said he was well recovered, and he really seemed to be so. He was very kind, intelligent, witty, dedicated to his job, had a loving family, actually all my collegues with whom I was working there together liked him a lot, but we somehow had a bit more symphaty towards eachother. So, the last night, only the two of us we were walking a lot, and he finally told me even though he did not know me so much he stareted to like me a lot, he told me I am very beautiful and particular for him, and I kind of felt the same way, though I knew (and we discussed) we did not know eachother so well. Anyways, before we said goodbye we were hugging and kissing then we said whatever would happen in the future we both were glad we meet eachother.

 

Then I came home (I live pretty far away from the place he lived) and for a few days we sent some nice messages, once we also talked on the phone discussing also if/how we could met then from one day to another he just stopped communicating. After like a week ago or so I contacted him and in a very nice way I asked him if eveything was all right, or if maybe I said something wrong, he said not at all, only that he did not like this kind of communication (email, phone) and even though he really liked me and happy that I liked him as well but still, he does not think we should be so attached, meaning that he still talks to me with pleasure and would meet me, but we should just let the things happen with ease. First I felt a bit of bitterness, but then actually I was absouletly okay with it, considering all circumstances it was the best to do. So, we eneded the conversation in a nice way. From then on once in a while we sent some messages, mostly about work, but sometimes some personal ones, like how are you, etc, and he invited me to an event he was organising, where I did not go, first of all cause it would have been a bit difficult for me to travel secondly cause I did not feel him to be so enthusiastic about it, so I just let it go. And then, a few weeks ago I got to know from his fb page that he died by suicide. I was shocked and then the second thought that came to my mind is that it was my fault! And I still can not let this thought go ... 

 

Someone, who knew him a bit better told me, that he has already had some suicid - attemps earlier, and becides the addicition he had some more sever mental health problems too.... that also gave me another reason to blame myself as me myself I am dealing with people with mental healty problems and I just cannot understand how come I did not realize anything...

 

So, here I am now with all these questions and heavyness problaly everyone who visits this site knows...I also went to a psychologist to discuss this issue, she said I should not blame myself, noone can be responsible for another person's life, and I did not do anything wrong with him, I was not torturing him or anything, what is true I think, and with my mind I can understand it but these feelings are so terrible... I know how fragile these people are, and even if I was not the reason of his death, but still it can be I was a trigger (on of the triggers) that lead him to feel messy and take his decision... Can it be like this? 

I really do not know, but it is just so unbearable. 

 

It is just so difficult to live together with these heavy feelings and guilt. 

 

On the other hand sometimes I think me myself I also went through very difficult times, I had traumatic events, but I never ever thought of ending my life... So I just can not imagine what can can be in these people's head who finally took this decision. So many whys, so many what ifs....