The Closer

[Kai_Ky]

On Wednesday evening at 7:07pm, although his death was called 10:07 east coast time as a tribute to him being a New Yorker, did my boyfriend, Liam of almost 2 years pass away from heart failure. He was 39 years old. 

What is most difficult, which is everything, but...we did not know he was sick. 4 weeks ago, Liam unexpectedly had a heart attack. In seemly great health. We were shocked. We went on to find out that Liam had heart valve disease. He underwent 2 open heart surgeries in less than 2 weeks. All to try and fix his incredible heart. On Wednesday, just 5 days after his heart surgery that we were optimistic about, did he go into cardiac arrest and pass away. 

There are so many things that made Liam an incredible person. He was well educated, successful, a devout Catholic (although I have always been atheist) One of the things we squabbled back and forth about lovingly all the time. Liam was an attorney and a MBA in finance. He worked global Mergers and Acquisitions. I suppose his demeanor and manner in business and his uncanny ability to close the deal, garnered him the nickname, "The Closer". 

Funny, really. His professional reputation was that of being slightly vicious. I have been told by several people he was somewhat intimidating. I only ever knew him to be the kindest, most gentle hearted man I've ever met. He was born and raised in Brooklyn. He came from a large, loving and close Italian family. Who've become my family as well. He loved the Yankees and baseball. Loved to fish. Loved his friends and family. He really was my dream guy. 

I find myself giving myself milemarkers. If I can get through this hour, through this day, through this night, I will make it to the next step. The next step being...I have absolutely no clue. I find myself bargaining a lot. If this, if that, he'll come back. Sometimes I don't want to move. Other times I feel like I am trapped and have to move. I don't feel like being around much of anybody. I have found myself in these last few days, doing things Liam and I would always do with each other. I went for a hike today by myself on one of our favorite trails. I don't know if this is helping. 

I also have been experiencing anger. Trying to deal with the question why? I have no answer. I have become increasingly annoyed by people on social media that Liam interacted with, turning his fb profile into a memorial. People I don't even know, people who barely knew him, constantly messaging me sending condolences. I know they are just trying to be supportive, but it is really bothering me. 

Liam and I have, had, a very small but very close circle of friends that are really like family. Mutual friends. I'd had known Liam as a friend for a long time before we started dating, and all of us seem to just be going through the motions. I don't particularly know if writing about it will help. But I am willing to try whatever. I think maybe listening or hearing from people who understand might help. Sharing stories. I am not sure. I seem to be very uncertain about everything these passed days. Trying to wrap my head around starting anew, and finding a new normal without him.