Doesn't seem to be getting any better

[StillLoveMelanie]

I lost the love of my life eight weeks ago.  We were never officially engaged because some of the logistics with our kids, but we knew we would be moving in and getting married after my youngest was out of high school in two years.  Her kids are younger and she didn't want them to move schools either.  I stayed with her every other week when my daughter wasn't with me.  Most of my clothes were at her house and all my important things were there as well.  Everything I needed on a computer was on her computer.  She was such a huge part of my life.  She took care of me and I think I took care of her too.  

I have the same feelings that seem to permeate this forum.  I don't want to be here without her and I'm tired of feeling like this.  People tell me to push through for my kids, but to be honest and I know this sounds selfish,  I think they will be fine without me.  I'm not suicicdal, but at times, I wish I could be.   I can't seem to get past this feeling that everything I had is gone.  I hate feeling this way and dont think i can feel this way for much longer.  We had plans to do so much together, this year and for years to come.  She died so suddenly that it doesn't make any sense.  She was so seemingly healthy and active.  We haven't gotten the medical examiners report, but I don't think it will make any difference.  I dont know what to do.  It doesn't seem like I've made any progress dealing with her death.  I get up, cry, go to work, come home cry in my room, try to take care of my kids, go to bed early and cry some more...next day, repeat.  I've been seeing a grief counselor and I feel better after our sessions, but the next day I crash just as hard if not harder than I was feeling.  If my mood gets up, there is a worse crash to follow.  When she died she took me with her.  I reach out to family and friends to hang out with them and to get my mind off of her, but it never seems to last long.  At times I feel like they have forgotten me.  They would call to talk to me for a couple of weeks after she died, but now i am the one reaching out.  I don't like calling them.  I know their lives go on, but it seems mine ended when hers did.  

I know i am not the only one who has gone through this.  Maybe and i can admit this,  im not as strong as those thay have made it through this.  She was my strength in a lot of ways.  How am to I get past this feeling of hopless and loneliness?  Im afraid i will feel like this forever.  She would be the only one to make me feel better, she always did.  Now she isn't here.

[claribassist13]

I think you are setting really unrealistic expectations for yourself. 

You are eight weeks into the worst nightmare of your life. Everything you knew, loved, was working towards, and planned on has been unexpectedly and suddenly ripped from you. And you think you should be feeling better by now? That is a complete unrealistic expectation that will hamper your healing process.

Looking at this from a clinical standpoint, the first 4 months are typically filled with shock, denial, and the very beginning of grief. It isn't until the fourth month that you really start to have an understanding of the finality and permanency of this loss. And then you'll cry even more. You'll be sad, angry, lost, confused, and every other emotion you can think of all at once. And it's going to be awful. So if you think you are going to be healed by then, trust me, you won't. 

I know that my reply seems rather pointed and angry, but it frustrates me when other people think they should be moving forward faster simply because other people say stupid **** like "you have your kids to worry about" or whatever other garbage people have and are going to say to you. Yes, you do have kids to take of, but that in no way diminishes the pain and loss that you feel for the death of your best friend. 

What I am trying to say is give yourself the time to grieve. Cry all day if you need to. Feel lost and hopeless. Feel like nothing is getting better. Feel exactly the way you feel when you need to feel it. 
Continue to see your grief counselor. They will help you with techniques to manage your grief in a healthy way so that someday it might get a little bit better. But part of that also comes with acknowledging the fact that this first year is going to suck. There is nothing you can do about that, so you might as well do what it's going to take to help you in the long run. 

Please, let yourself grieve the way you are going to do it. Hampering that will only lead to worse things.