Widowed at 35 to suicide, lost and confused. I want my life back.

[Kimberly2006]

March 17, 2016 is my haunting day forever. St Patrick's day is now a day of sadness, and a day that will forever haunt me. My husband committed suicide and I'm so confused. Nobody saw this coming. I'm still in shock and very angry. We recently celebrated our 10 year wedding anniversary. We were so happy. We have 2 amazing kids. He left me and he left our kids. How can he do that? He said my life will be better now. How is that possible?!?!?!??? I moved away from our house, just let it go I don't want it anymore. He killed himself in our 1st home we bought less then 1 year ago and he dis it on our couch. I lost our house, he left me with 2 car payments, boat payment, visa, another loan , left me to be a singe mom, my income is now only what we get from social security. He took my life with him. Half of me died with him. I go to counseling every week, several local support grief groups. I what my life back. I want my smile back. How am i supposed to live my life now normally????

[claribassist13]

Kimberly2006, 

The sad truth is that you will never live a normal life again, at least, not the normal that you want it to be. 
The death of your husband has not only altered your life but altered your very identity as a person as well. You are not the same person you were before his death, so it will be impossible to live the life you lead before. 

I am so glad to hear that you are seeing a counselor and are attending support groups. These are people who can relate to all you are feeling and will be able to provide you with the type of support that you need in the coming months. You are two months down with many, many more to go. 

Be sad. Be angry. Feel whatever it is that you are feeling. And when you need to vent/talk, do that as well. This the just the very beginning of a long healing process. 

[Kenny]

The last words my wife said to me on April 10, 2011 were you killed me and ruined our family. These words haunt me every day. I got incarcerated just 3 months later in August of 2011, lost custody of my 4 year old son. I spent just  over 4 years in prison and lost every thing I had in life. It is as if someone had taken a pencil and just erased my life. People tell me I need to let go and move on, well that is just not going to happen. I only tell you my story to let you know you are not alone. Not everyone can understand what we have gone through.  I just had a lady tell me about her mom's passing like it was the same thing,  well it's Not, not even close. My heart goes out to you and may God have Hia Angels around you always.