Love of my life died 7 weeks ago

[StillLoveMelanie]

First, let me apologize for a long post.  I met her, who was a seemingly healthy 48 year old woman when she died (I'm 49), a little over three and a half years ago.  We were both separated at the time, but there wasn't a worry about either of getting back together with our spouses.  She has younger children than mine.  We talked about moving in together and getting married, but we were going to wait until my daughter finished high school.  She didn't want her kids to have to move schools and neither did I since she only has two years left til graduation.  I stayed at her house as often as possible.  My high school daughter splits her time between myself and her mother, so i couldnt stay as often as i would have liked.  I have a 19 year old daughter that stays with me full tume as well, but she works late and is old enough to be on her own.  Both of our divorces were finalized and things were looking up for us.  I got a raise at work, more time off and my youngest is becoming more independent, things were going well.  

The week before she died, her children were away with their father.  My youngest was on spring break and stayed with me, so i couldn't go stay with her.  She knew it bothered me that she rarely spent the night at my house.  After her kids got back from being away for 8 nights, I asked why she didn't come spend the night at my house (a conversation we have had before) the past week.  She never really gave me an answer.  We had dinner on a Tuesday night and I asked her about it again.  Again, no real answer.  She went home.  I had sone errands to run.  She texted me something along the lines that whatever she does she seems to be judged and I was going to get mad.  I told her I wasn't mad, but didn't know how to feel about her not wanting to spend the night at my house  About twenty minutes later her ex's new wife and called me and told me they found her when they were dropping off one of her kids.  She was rushed to the hospital and we're able to get her heart going.  I held hand and talked to her as much as I could tthroughout the night, but she never regained consciousness.  She even started to breath on her own in the middle of the night, but in the morning she crashed and they weren't able to revive her.

I always knew we would be together.  I loved her and always wanted to be with her.  We were never officially engaged, but we knew we would be married one day.  When asked how many kids we had, we always said five. It was never he has three and I have two, it was always five.   She treated my kids great and I tried to raise her girls as I did mine.  She was young, healthy and very active.  She kept up her house and gardens in perfect condition.    I always tried to get home to her place first if the grass was tall because she would mow it with a push mower, even though she knew I would and didn't want her doing it.  She said she liked doing it.  We hiked whenever we could.  We went to parks and zoos.  We were always on the go.  

I feel quilty that our last conversation wasn't a great one and even feel like I caused this to happen by stressing her out by asking why she didn't spend the night.  We didn't argue about it. There was no yelling or even raised voices, but I think the question stressed her out.  Maybe she didn't have an answer, I don't know.

When she died, she took me with her.  I have nothing to do and no one to do it with.  We always did so much together and now that's all gone.  Even her girls are now with their dad.  I would like to stay in their lives, but realistically, I see myself being squeezed out of their lives.  Which is hard to accept as well.  I try to stay connected with them, but can't and don't want to push myself on them.  They will be teens soon and I know it's hard enough to get your own teen kids to hang out with you.  I don't think my life has much purpose anymore.  I'm not suicicdal, but I certainly understand someone who feels that way.  I read a post on here that someone said he didn't want to go on.  I know that feeling very well.  I go to bed very early.  I really don't feel like doing much during the day either.  I keep thinking about all the things we would be doing and all the things we had planned, but now all of that is gone.  I told my grief counselor that I live a very basic existence right now.  I wake up, cry, go to work, come home, cry, feed my girls, go to bed, cry, sleep, repeat.  

I found this forum and it's nice knowing that others have made it through this difficult time.  Sorry for the long first post, but I wanted to tell some of my story.

Thanks

[Marty2121]

My sincere condolences on the passing of your beloved Melanie.  My Chuck died 2 years ago this coming 27th of May and I know EXACTLY how you feel because there isn't a day that doesn't go by that I ask,...WHY??  We have 30 beautiful married years and had one son.  I too feel that I merely exist and go through the motions of being alive.  I will say this...the thoughts of wanting to join your loved one does subside a bit as time goes on.  You will get a lot of advise and comments from people that will blow your mind, but they mean well.  Sometimes people stay away because they don't know what else to say, or they are so sad that they can't "fix" you.  It takes a lot of time before you can wake up and go through the day only to realize..."hey, I didn't cry today".  Then as you say, you only crash harder the next day.

Know that the grieving process is different for everyone regardless that we share an unfortunate commonality.  People think that because it's been 2 years since my loved went to Heaven, I should be better.  Well guess what....I think I am doing better, considering.  I no longer pray that I don't wake up, but I pray that I have strength to endure what lies ahead. 

Be gentle with yourself.  Cry..scream...whatever you need to do to help YOU, not what others think you should be doing.  It is a long and difficult process, but you will adjust and find your new norm, but take your time.

Peace,

Marty

[DrewJones888]

I'm 48 and I lost my wife of 23 years just 4 months ago.

Reach out anytime and I'll try to check in here when I can.

It does get better, honestly.

Drew

[StillLoveMelanie]

I keep hearing that this will get better.  At times it might seem like it does just the slightest bit, then it all comes crashing down.  The weekends are bad.  This one especially.  We had plans to do things for the holiday weekend.  When I got home from work yesterday, I cried just as hard as the day she died.  We were supposed to go to Niagara Falls next month.  She had never seen them.  Im not looking forward to that weekend either.  At times I can see slight changes, but then it all crashes.  I dont see this getting better any time soon and I am tired of feeling this way.   I will be with my family tomorrow and all their spouses will be there.  Everyone liked Melanie and the way she fit in with my family.  Now I will be there without her and Im sure she will be all I will be able to tihnk about.  I almost dont want to go because Melanie wont be there. Of course I dont want to be anywhere without her.  I keep pushing myself through this, but sometimes I dont see the point. I told my grief counselor and maybe even mentioned on here, Im not suicidal, but at times, wish I could be.

[green7]

I know how you feel. We both had plans with our loved ones and go through those dates is painful. Our anniversary was on May 6th and instead of going out on a nice date as we had planned I had to go to my boyfriend's funeral. 

This week I have been crying every day, every night,  and like you say I'm not suicidal, but I wish I was. 

My family has been very supportive and it looks like they finally understood that this is going to be a long and painful process for me. They've been taking care of me and I feel a little more confortable around them. But I feel you, It's not the same without them. My boyfriend and I worked together, so when I'm at work all I think about is him. It's normal though. It doesn't matter where we are, they're always in our thoughts.  Try to be with your family, take a deep breath, and be around people who love you. Even if it's only for a couple of hours. It helps. 

[Shaman]

I'm in the same boat.its only been one week. Don't do this alone bring God into the picture . go to www,elliesway.org follow those grieving steps. you will find peace. and good luck my friend, vaya con Dios

[DrewJones888]

Your support system can help much more than you know. You need people around you. Did you go? I hope you did. Without a doubt time heals. Cliché I know but it's true. I found myself crying randomly and for no apparent reason in the first couple of weeks. It was crazy and I couldn't explain it. Today, four months later, I only tear when I stop to think about her.

I think another way I have dealt with the loss of my wife is in knowing that even in death I must respect her. She is know even more aware of my faults and I cannot let her down - I owe her that much. She would want me to be stronger, to be a rock for my kids, and to hold my life to a higher standard. I love my wife so dang much that I can do no less. It's not easy but also not that hard. I just remind myself often.

I also talk to her and have open conversations with her and it helps (in the privacy of home of course). I find myself replying as I know she would and I then tell myself "you're right again sweetheart, your right". It sounds a little weird but understanding that she is there and DOES hear you also helps. Each night before I drift to sleep I'd say "Goodnight sweetheart", and she'd reply "Goodnight babe" (I can hear/remember her voice). I say both lines to myself each night and it gives me peace.

I'm not as religious as I should be/want to be but you do know that there actually is something after this life don't you? There are a couple tv shows about mediums and it's quite clear that there is. It can be argued as to what exactly but there is. So talk to her, and take comfort in that. 

[StillLoveMelanie]

Hi DrewJones,

Thanks for posting and getting back to me

Have I gone to Niagara?  No.  We were supposed to go next weekend.  I am not going without her. 

I still cry randomly.  I can hold myself together through work, but when I get home I know I will break down at some point.  Last weekend was very hard for me.  I had gone to my brothers cottage for a family get together.  Melanie loved going and we went there often over the past few years.  It was very hard for me to be there without her.  We were suppose to do things all weekend long and when I got home from work Friday before the weekend I cried hard knowing that all those plans were no longer going to happen.  I even stopped by a place we hiked last year, but I didnt stay long because once I pulled into the parking area, I broke down.  She was such a huge part of my life and I feel very lost and alone without her.  I can relate to others on this site and offer words of encouragement, but at times I dont think I can go through this without her.  She was the one person who could make me feel better.  She always did.  There are still times when I go to bed and hope I dont wake.  They arent as often, but seem more intense.  I feel like II am or will be riding out the rest of my life with this pain.  I feel like saying, "Life, you win.  Im done playing this game and will just quietly ride it out to the end".   I try to be positive for my kids and hers as well.  I dont get to see her kids as much.  I was ready to have them be a big part of my life, but that has changed as well.  I know everyone is on a different path now.  Not just me.

I still talk to her, but my logical side knows she isnt there.  I used to get up an hour before she had to.  I used to kiss her every morning before I left for work and told her I loved her.  Now I kiss a small urn and tell her i love her before I leave.  I still do love her and always will, but I know she is gone

I was born and raised Catholic, but have since lost faith.  Ive tried, but to be honest, I just dont have it, so I dont have religion to fall back on.  I wish I did.  For those who truly believe I think this is easier  for them to believe that they are somewhere better.  I accept the fact that she is gone.  I still do the things we enjoyed doing.  I still go for walks around parks and hike and enjoy all the beauty in nature that she saw. Sometimes I point out things to her and say, Hey babe, look at that, but I dont really feel her presence,  The closest I have come is sometimes as im lying in bed, I get a hint of her perfume.  I sprayed some on her pillow next to me.  Most of the scent has faded, but I still get a hint of it every now and again.

Thanks again for checking in

[Millie681]

StillLoveMelanie,

I am so very sorry for your loss.  Reading your post reminds me that my feelings are valid and I am not alone.  I can only hope you get the peace you need.  I think talking to her and doing things the two of you enjoyed will be good for you. I speak to my Paul all the time and it brings me some comfort.  I too try to get through the day and then come home and crumble. Everyday is a struggle and It's so hard but please know we are here for you.