Members sam53 Posted May 9, 2016 Members Report Share Posted May 9, 2016 I lost the love of my life a little over a month ago.. I am so tired of living like this every day. I am miserable. I just turned 22 a week ago and had a little too much to drink (by myself) just so the day could end faster. I know I am still so young.. But I don't even know how to live like this anymore, I don't want to. I feel so alone, i gradually lost a lot of my friends during my relationship with my boyfriend and it was fine because in the back of my mind I always thought as long as I had him, everything would be okay. Plus, I have a bit of a social anxiety, so I never was the type to go out all the time. I haven't left my house with the exception of going back and forth to work. Other than that, I've just been in bed doing absolutely nothing. I feel like I can't go anywhere now, because I spent so many years going everywhere with him. I go to sleep super early which I never was the type of person to sleep early. I just want the damn day to end.. I feel worthless and just useless on this earth. I do nothing all day, and had to withdraw from all my courses in college. I'm not sure what my purpose is here anymore, I just feel dead. I don't want to do this anymore.. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members ModKonnie Posted May 10, 2016 Members Report Share Posted May 10, 2016 Sam53, You need professional help or at the very least you need to get out of that bed and go talk to someone. Do you have family? I am no expert, but what you are experiencing sounds like severe depression. Try your best to pick up the phone and call someone. I'm glad you had the energy to post here. We can be here to support you through this terrible ordeal you are suffering through. How did you boyfriend die? You have a purpose. You are very young. Please tell someone near you how you feel. ModKonnie Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members claribassist13 Posted May 10, 2016 Members Report Share Posted May 10, 2016 sam53, I lost my fiance a little over 4 months ago. I had to withdraw from all my college course as well. I am going to second what ModKonnie said. Because of our situations we are going to experience some situational depression, which mimics a lot of the same symptoms of clinical depression. If those symptoms go unchecked though it can lead to clinical depression, which requires serious medical treatment. I know you won't want to go. My parents had to make my appointment and forced me to drive there. I didn't think I was going to make it, and I'm still not sure that I will. However, seeing a counselor has given me some stuff to try because I have to try. I owe it to my fiance, who loved me as much I love him, to try to live. He would want that. Your fiance would want the same thing as well. Make the effort for him. I've found that seeing a counselor has been nice because it's somebody to talk to. You don't feel judged. They listen, they will agree, and they are looking out for you. It's not the way to want it, but it's something. So try. Let somebody help you to help yourself. If anything, keep talking to us. You can only take one day at a time. Don't rush yourself. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members KensLove Posted May 12, 2016 Members Report Share Posted May 12, 2016 I'm so sorry. There really are no words, my husband of 25 years. I tell myself that he's looking down on me and I have to act in a way that will make him not worry about me maybe that will work for you. I wish you the best Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members JerryRay Posted May 12, 2016 Members Report Share Posted May 12, 2016 Dear Sam, I am going through exactly what you are right now. I am sorry for your loss, but if you're like me you're so tired of hearing that along with all the other sympathies we both have been hearing for the past month. I know everyone is trying to let us know they care and that their sorry, but at least to me it all seems like noise. I don't mean that in a bad way, but it just feels so small compared to the hole I have in my heart. Like sprinkling a water can on a forest fire. Inside I feel like the world has ended and people are giving me words to repair the damage. I love them for their words, but it doesn't really help. I too go to bed early now, but unlike you I just want to leave our place. I can't stand being here only I don't have anywhere to go so I sit here and try to go on. I don't know if this is going to help you or not it is after all just more words, but sometimes words are all we have. I'm not very good at this kind of stuff. I'm not even sure you will read this, but if you do please don't give up. I have been sitting here crying for the last hour and wondering what to do? How to find the strength to go on and I came across your message somehow. I figure if I can't fix myself maybe somehow I can reach you and help you. If your like me though knowing there are others out there in pain doesn't really make it all seem better in fact somehow it makes it worse. I want the world to be doing better than myself not stuck in the same crap. I noticed you're still young though and while you are in a heap right now I guarantee you will find you're way out as long as you don't do anything stupid like giving up. One thing you need to be in a situation like this is a fighter. It's probably the only reason I'm still around is I have spent most of my life never giving up, I'm stubborn like that. I'm hoping you are too. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members PPZ Posted May 14, 2016 Members Report Share Posted May 14, 2016 Lost my mother more than 12 years ago. Got first taste of what broken heart meant. A man who almost never had tears had uncontrollable tears for two weeks. After one month, sincerely wished mother happy in after life. As she had 70 happy life, my pain began to subside. Lost my better half of 25 years of marriage and 30 years of deep love to car accident 454 days ago. It was like thousand knives stabbing me every day ever since. Began to really realize what extreme pain means. Candle begins to burn until I am completely burnt off. "Let me not die while I am still alive." Easier said than done. But, does anyone have any other sensible choice? Life is a struggle to some. Such some just have to live with constant pain ever after. My reaction when I learned news is a complex one. I felt very cold. I felt extreme physical pain in my heart as if someone was squeezing it really hard. The other side of my brain told me at the same time that I need to get my happy life back. Now I realized that I will live with pain forever. The pain may subside gradually. But, there will always be part of heart that is so sensitive that any touch of that part will bring in some pain again. We just have to learn to live with it until we see our deeply loved ones again. Life is a struggle for anyone. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members sam53 Posted May 15, 2016 Author Members Report Share Posted May 15, 2016 Thank you to all who replied to me, you guys are so kind. At first I was hesitant of submitting this, because I feared of getting judged for saying that I did not want to go on with this life and that I had no purpose here. But I know I'm not the only one feeling this and your guys' words has helped. Unfortunately, my family isn't all that supportive, we have never been a tight knit family to start with and don't talk about things of this matter. And my boyfriends family lives far away so I feel lonely all the time. I tried reaching out to a grief counselor but she never got back to me. When you're depressed it's hard to go out of your way to do things do when she didn't get back to me I kind of just let that go.. Which I should try to maybe call another one soon. i keep sitting here just thinking about my boyfriend all day long and I miss him so much. I know inside that's not going to bring him back so I try and do something productive but I just don't have the energy to. I still can't even accept the fact that he's gone. I ask myself "why" on a daily basis. Didn't even know this kind of pain existed Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members claribassist13 Posted May 15, 2016 Members Report Share Posted May 15, 2016 sam53, No offense, but that counselor was obviously not great. A counselor who is worth their salt will reach out to you. Have you considered looking at your university's health services? I withdrew from university for the semester as well, but I see a grief counselor through my university's student health services. I think it is worth looking into if you haven't already. And no, you are no alone. I have been seeing my counselor for 3 months now, and I still have to convince myself every day to get out of bed and not just die. It's an awful pain, and it is entirely too much to handle on one's own. I think trying to see another counselor is a good idea. Having somebody to talk to helps a lot. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members sam53 Posted May 16, 2016 Author Members Report Share Posted May 16, 2016 Claribassist, I did look up what type of therapy my college has for students and the counselor did not specialize in grief. Or loss of any sort so I thought a counselor who specialized in grief would be better for anyone going through a loss like this. I think you're right, everyday I just feel lonelier and lonelier and I need someone to talk to. What do you do on a day when you just miss your other half so much it's unbearable? What helps? I am just desperate for any advice to be honest. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members PPZ Posted May 16, 2016 Members Report Share Posted May 16, 2016 I know what you meant. My father was my best councilor as he spent hours talking to me afterwards and trying to relieve my pain. Basically, he saved me again. This really showed me what true love meant. My friends also helped greatly and everyone told me to call them whenever I need to talk. This made me appreciate more whatever love, friendship, and kindness I have now. Now, it is always a struggle between pain and the drive to have happy life again. There had been ups and downs and overall the downs do not go down that deep anymore as I am getting more used to the pain everyday. I have to bury this pain for most of my day time and I try to spend more time on work and other things to occupy my time and to be with people. Life is a struggle to some. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Loneliness unbearable Posted May 17, 2016 Members Report Share Posted May 17, 2016 On Monday, May 09, 2016 at 5:18 PM, sam53 said: I lost the love of my life a little over a month ago.. I am so tired of living like this every day. I am miserable. I just turned 22 a week ago and had a little too much to drink (by myself) just so the day could end faster. I know I am still so young.. But I don't even know how to live like this anymore, I don't want to. I feel so alone, i gradually lost a lot of my friends during my relationship with my boyfriend and it was fine because in the back of my mind I always thought as long as I had him, everything would be okay. Plus, I have a bit of a social anxiety, so I never was the type to go out all the time. I haven't left my house with the exception of going back and forth to work. Other than that, I've just been in bed doing absolutely nothing. I feel like I can't go anywhere now, because I spent so many years going everywhere with him. I go to sleep super early which I never was the type of person to sleep early. I just want the damn day to end.. I feel worthless and just useless on this earth. I do nothing all day, and had to withdraw from all my courses in college. I'm not sure what my purpose is here anymore, I just feel dead. I don't want to do this anymore.. I lost my Michael 7th April at 8pm. I don't want to carry on without him . My family and friends keep telling me I have to find something to live for. My reason for living has gone. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members claribassist13 Posted May 17, 2016 Members Report Share Posted May 17, 2016 19 hours ago, sam53 said: Claribassist, I did look up what type of therapy my college has for students and the counselor did not specialize in grief. Or loss of any sort so I thought a counselor who specialized in grief would be better for anyone going through a loss like this. I think you're right, everyday I just feel lonelier and lonelier and I need someone to talk to. What do you do on a day when you just miss your other half so much it's unbearable? What helps? I am just desperate for any advice to be honest. sam53, The first thing I did was tell myself that everything I was feeling about the accident was absolutely okay. It was okay to feel lost, it was okay to feel like not living, it was okay to feel like nothing in the world mattered anymore, it was okay to be angry or sad or whatever the hell I felt like feeling. On the days that are really bad I spend the day mourning. I stay in bed all day. I look at his pictures and read his letters. I spent an entire day finding every single news article that there was on him (his accident was widely publicized in the local media). I scoured Facebook for every single photo of him. I backed them all up onto a hard drive. I bought a safe to put every single article of his clothing that I had, all his letters, anything and everything that so much as mentioned him I put in there. I'll write in my journal. I recently started a blog as well to help document this difficult time. On the days where I can get out of bed, I try to do something in his memory. For example, he and I loved walking through our local botanical gardens, so I'll take a walk there. I'll eat at the restaurants we loved and even buy new clothes that I know he would love on me. Sometimes I talk to people, and sometimes I don't. Really, it's about doing what it takes to keep you going until tomorrow. It's a new process everyday, and some days will be harder than others. I am going to recommend trying to find a grief counselor. Meeting with mine has helped to some degree. Mine has me do arts and crafts related to him. Right now I'm working on a photo collage about him. It helps to be able to talk about whatever comes to mind without fear of judgement. In the meantime, talk on here or find someone to talk to. You don't always have to talk, but it is nice to have someone ready when you do. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members sam53 Posted May 19, 2016 Author Members Report Share Posted May 19, 2016 On May 17, 2016 at 7:43 AM, Loneliness unbearable said: I lost my Michael 7th April at 8pm. I don't want to carry on without him . My family and friends keep telling me I have to find something to live for. My reason for living has gone. I'm so sorry for your loss. Honestly, I am still pretty fresh in this loss, only a week more than you have, and I totally understand how you are feeling. You are not alone. Your friends and family will try to help you and although their words may just be words at this point, let them help you. If I had people like family and friends to talk to I would. Talking about it with someone will help, keeping everything in and isolating yourself will not help. Atleast that's what I am learning from my own mistakes. I don't have good advice for you at this moment, because I am still grieving and miserable, like you. I hope we can get through this together. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members sam53 Posted May 19, 2016 Author Members Report Share Posted May 19, 2016 On May 17, 2016 at 11:14 AM, claribassist13 said: sam53, The first thing I did was tell myself that everything I was feeling about the accident was absolutely okay. It was okay to feel lost, it was okay to feel like not living, it was okay to feel like nothing in the world mattered anymore, it was okay to be angry or sad or whatever the hell I felt like feeling. On the days that are really bad I spend the day mourning. I stay in bed all day. I look at his pictures and read his letters. I spent an entire day finding every single news article that there was on him (his accident was widely publicized in the local media). I scoured Facebook for every single photo of him. I backed them all up onto a hard drive. I bought a safe to put every single article of his clothing that I had, all his letters, anything and everything that so much as mentioned him I put in there. I'll write in my journal. I recently started a blog as well to help document this difficult time. On the days where I can get out of bed, I try to do something in his memory. For example, he and I loved walking through our local botanical gardens, so I'll take a walk there. I'll eat at the restaurants we loved and even buy new clothes that I know he would love on me. Sometimes I talk to people, and sometimes I don't. Really, it's about doing what it takes to keep you going until tomorrow. It's a new process everyday, and some days will be harder than others. I am going to recommend trying to find a grief counselor. Meeting with mine has helped to some degree. Mine has me do arts and crafts related to him. Right now I'm working on a photo collage about him. It helps to be able to talk about whatever comes to mind without fear of judgement. In the meantime, talk on here or find someone to talk to. You don't always have to talk, but it is nice to have someone ready when you do. Thank you claribassist, you're 2 months ahead of me but how is it at the 4 months mark? I still find myself not being able to accept everything. I lost my boyfriend on Easter, March 27. I lay here and i will replay memories in my head over and over and I tell myself "I can't believe he's gone" ...he can't be! But then I replay those unbearable moments at the hospital... I saw him lifeless. I saw him when it was just his body laying there, his soul was gone.. And those moments in my head just keep playing in me head. God it's so hard. I just want the pain to go away! I know alcohol will not solve anything but lately that is all I am looking forward to. I miss him so much.. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members claribassist13 Posted May 19, 2016 Members Report Share Posted May 19, 2016 sam53, I hate to break the awful news, but the fourth month is typically (according to several psychological studies) one of the hardest months, and I have to agree with all that I have read. At this point I am pretty much beyond the disbelief and denial of what has happened. The fact that he is gone is much more real. It doesn't help that I had two significant anniversaries to "celebrate" during my fourth month (his birthday and our anniversary). The fourth month sucks because you truly realize that he is never coming back. And even though you've known this from the start, the fourth month is the time were your brain is actually able to start processing the permanency of the situation. It sucks, just like every month before and after it. Sometimes I still catch myself hoping he'll come home, and then I force myself to remember holding his cold hand and arm (that is all we could see due to the severity of his injuries). That moment of holding his hand and feeling how cold and lifeless he had become was a real wake-up then, and is still a real wake-up now. I see his urn every week, and it never gets any easier knowing that the person I loved is reduced to ashes in there. Yes, the pain is absolutely unbearable, but at the same time I could never do anything to take it away. To me, removing the pain or finding ways to dull it would almost be like denying that I ever loved him. That is kept me away from alcohol and from anti-depressants since his accident. But feeling all the pain and being unable to truly cope with it is deadly as well, which is why I am seeing a doctor now to potentially be put on anti-depressants. Drink your alcohol, but also realize when it is time to seek some outside help. This type of pain is not naturally dealt with, and there is no shame in asking for help or not wanting to feel for a little while. Just don't let it get out of hand. I can guarantee that your boyfriend wants you to heal and take the time for yourself. Your health (both mentally and physically) should be your primary focus right now. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Loneliness unbearable Posted May 20, 2016 Members Report Share Posted May 20, 2016 Hi thank you for responding. I had lost my dad a year gone march and I thought that grief was painful, but nothing compared to this. We had been together nine and a half years married 7. What an amazing man. I'm also feeling so guilty worried I had missed things as he was diagnosed with M.E. just a year gone march. I think it had been masking some of the symptoms. If only Michael had some chest pain it could have been picked up. He'd had two falls and I wasn't ther to witness them , he was so stubborn refused to go to hospital, then he had some sort of absense and started walking funny still refused to go. We went to docs and he was referee to a neurologist. In the mean time he started having hot pains in back of his head when he was standing up still no chest pain we waited five weeks to results back they came back clear. I had a video of one of these a senses he was having. We showed it to his own doc on the Tuesday 5th she said it was some sort of a fit and to show it to neurologist as we had an appointment on the 12th. We had a great day out then on the we'd another nice day. By the Thursday he was gone. My Michael died of a massive heart attack he died in my arms I did CPR for ten minutes before paramedics got there even though I knew he'd gone. I can't grieve properly as I'm feeling so guilty. I'm even self harming. My heart is breaking for our lives have been taken away from us. My beautiful man gone forever and I'm left here without him. How do you carry on day after day, I have family and friends around me but nothing matters anymore. The guilt is so bad . I can't see his living face yet only the one with the sparkle gone out of his beautiful eyes . He made me feel like I was the most beautiful woman in the world, he told me he adored me every day. We had a love that some people look for all they're lives and never find. So sad so lonely Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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