New and depressed

[sam53]

I lost the love of my life/best friend 3 weeks ago. It was unexpected, and I feel so incredibly empty. I stumbled upon this forum in hopes to get any advice from those who are suffering a loss. I guess I didn't know where to really turn to. 

My boyfriend and I had been together for 4 years. We were inseparable, and did everything together. He was charming, handsome, loving. He struggled with drug addiction throughout his life but was 2 years sober when I first met him. Many people who hear that someone has a problem with addiction quickly categorizes them as "bad" people; but when he was not using, he was an amazing person who cared about others and put them first before him. What kind of person WANTS to live with addiction that comes with all that pain and suffering? He didn't choose it. 

However he relapsed a couple years into our relationship and I was always there to support him (only when he was getting help) and have stood by him when he even gave up on himself. He got help and have lived at sober houses for some time. 

Fast forward, things were going so well with him. So well, that we signed a lease to our new apartment, booked a trip to Florida a week after that. He loved his new job. Everything was going well, he was excited about life's limitless opportunities as a sober man. He would count down the days of our move in and repeatedly tell me how excited he was of our new life together. 2 days before our move in, his mom texted me while I was at work telling me that he was in the hospital. In my mind, relapse was not the first thing that came into mind. I thought to myself.. Did he get into a car accident?! I rushed to the hospital and he was on life support in a medically induced coma. He had overdosed on Heroin. As I held his hand, I asked myself "why" over and over. He was hooked onto every machine, tubes everywhere. His brain was increasingly swelling and he had to get cranial surgery the next night. As his family and I waited nervously in the waiting room, there was someone on the speaker who called "code blue in the O.R." A rush of doctors ran across the hall to the operating room. As much as I didn't want to believe it, I knew it was my boyfriend who was getting resuscitated. I died inside. 20 mins later passed and two surgeons walked into the room. Before they had a chance to open their mouth I knew my boyfriend was gone. He was never coming back. I bawled like I have never bawled before. 

Two days after the loss, I flew to Florida to spend some time away and be with his family. I stayed there for a couple weeks but had to return to reality. Ever since I have gotten back I've isolated myself from everyone and everything. I feel so depressed and emptiness I can't even start to describe. He was my everything.. I'm only 22 years old, and I know when people hear that they tell me that I have so much to life ahead of me and that I will find someone else. But I don't want to, I want my boyfriend and the days without him are so unbelievably rough. He was only 26. 

Sometimes I get so angry, but how could I get angry at someone who has a disease? I know that this isn't what he wanted, or intended to happen. We had so much in store for us. It's been a week and a half since I've been back to reality and on my "own" without his family and I feel miserable. Like others, death is always on my mind and I think to myself 'how do I continue living like this'. I miss him terribly.. 

Any advice would help. 

[Marty2121]

I am so sorry for your loss Sam53.  Unfortunately I know that pain all too well.  My beloved husband of 30 years succumbed to cancer almost 2 years ago and the fog is barely starting to lift.  It doesn't matter how they lived or died, what matters is how much love there was for one another. 

It is the most awful experience anyone can go through.  If I can offer any words of advice it would be to be patient with yourself.  You will go through a million whys, and ups and downs.  I can't tell you how many pity parties I've had, but you have to go through all your emotions in order to TRY to begin to heal.  You'll get a lot of unsolicited advice from friends and family...know that they mean well.  There is no specific way to grieve, each person is different.  Try not to make any sudden decisions as your mind will be foggy for quite some time.  Be gentle with yourself.  He knew how much you loved him.  Things happened that we simply cannot understand nor accept at the time.  Although I miss my husband something fierce, I know he's not coming back so I must somehow learn to accept that my life is different now.  You will never "GET THROUGH THIS" as there is nothing on the other side.  Your life will forever be changed, but only you can decide when and how you will survive the pain.  People use to ask me how I was doing and my answer was always..."I have my bad days and my really bad days".  Now I say, "doing ok" and I do mean it.  Life is really tough sometimes...seems so unfair. 

Do what feels "ok" to YOU regardless of what anyone thinks or says.  Unless they've walked in our shoes...they simply cannot understand.  They mean well, but they don't get it.  Reach out to that one friend that doesn't mind if you talk about him over and over and over again.  If you cry cry and cry. 

You are young, but age has no bearing on your feelings.  I'm 55 and feel so very lost.  Everyday gets a tad easier and I'm sure you and only you will find your way. 

I'm here....Marty

[sam53]

Marty, 

i am so sorry for your loss, I cannot fathom the pain your loss has brought you- of losing your husband of 30 years... 

I have been with my boyfriend for 4 years and his loss killed me. 

I just want to thank you for your kind words and advice. It means a lot to me especially coming from someone I don't even know. Your words brought tears to my eyes through this rough time and It is so good to know that I am not alone in this, no matter how empty and alone I may feel. 

Today I had the day off and spent most of my morning/ afternoon crying. I tried to go out yesterday after work.. Bought myself a book for grieving and I sat in the cafe for maybe 20 minutes and lost myself. Everyday seems as though I cannot take it any longer, but somehow I keep waking up to a new day. 

Take care

[Missy22]

Oh Sam53,  I'm so very sorry. I know it just royally sucks. There's no other words for it. I lost my husband of almost 15 years (our anniversary is May5) on December 26. The day after Christmas. Three days short of his 48th birthday. We have two children 13 and 8. They are my rocks right now. Marty2121 is correct. It doesn't matter the circumstances or the age.....it IS the most awful experience anyone can go through. It's been almost 4 months now. I don't cry all the time anymore, which is good I guess. I still have really bad days. I hope I can help in any way I can on this forum. I started a blog to get my emotions out. It helps writing it down and family and friends even read it so they don't have to ask me about it. 

Sending you lots of love

Missy