Anxious and feeling alone/scared

[Hannah1]

Hi everyone

I'm new to here but after reading all the great help and feedback you all provide each other with I thought it might help.

I lost my mum just over a year ago to stage 4 pancreatic cancer within 11 months of diagnosis. She was only 61. She was my best friend and I used to talk to her everyday about everything. We understood each other. The same week my mum got diagnosed my Nanna got diagnosed with terminal stomach cancer. She passed 3 months after mum did in 2014.

I was mums primary carer until the days she passed away.

I have been coping so well since both mum and nans passing by going back into my normal routine and staying as busy as I could.

I am a health professional and there was an issue at work that triggered my anxiety levels that have seemed to have arisen again and now I have been non stop crying and feeling so alone and scared and all I want to do is talk to my mum and Nanna as the last time my anxiety crept up they were both there and have always been my support system and the people I can talk openly to. I am finding it hard to talk about this to anyone as I feel not normal and silly. Is this all part of grief and its process? I've tried not to look too much into the 5 stages of grief as I feel that everyone copes differently.

Has anyone else experienced this?

[rakogi]

I'm sorry I probably won't help much but I can relate to so many things you wrote about your mother. I lost my mother October 14 2014. I thought I was dealing with it, but now I feel on the verge of a nervous breakdown. I'm very anxious and afraid I'll snap.

[silverkitties]

Wow, it seems quite a few of us lost our moms in 2014. I lost mine on October 4, 2014. 

 

When I'm in a not so bad mood, sometimes it seems so far away. And then there are days when it just feels like yesterday. Since i've been going to bed very late these past few weeks, partly because of all the extra work, I've been thinking a lot about the day she died: a night when I also went to bed around 4 am. 

 

The worst period for me was around January through early October 2015, although it shifted from time to time, particularly with memories of the times she had her first stroke, her return from rehab, her cancer diagnosis, the chemo weeks, and finally the last two weeks. That's why I started two threads; Still missing my mom and when I was too lazy to dig it up, Approaching the anniversary...Writing about all that happened in around those momentous times for me helped me express all the anguish and loneliness I was feeling.  

 

Then I thought I was recovering around November when I had a few happy dreams which I interpreted as resolving some of the issues:
one morning I actually got up laughing at the thought that I had yet another dream about shopping with mom (LOL, we shopped too much!) and another where I had just aced an exam--something which I hadn't done since 1994 (my very last exam).

 

But as my dad was sent to the hospital around late November, I found myself suffering pangs for my mom all over again. I thought of all those times when she returned home from Taiwan right before the holidays....how special they felt.  

 

I don't feel depressed all the time....but I feel that something is missing. And being left with my idiot father--who has honestly outlived his time--is not helping.