Death of my 12 year old son

[kenpope]

My wife and I have 2 sets of twins, and this past February our son Hunter died from complications of the flu.  It was completely unexpected, and of course we're still reeling from it.  Hunter has a twin sister Molly, who is hurting terribly.

Our entire world has changed, and looks terribly bleak.  Everything that used to bring joy is stained with pain, and I fear for the entire family.  My wife and I are working hard to support the children, and each other.

The pain just seems so devestating - and it's been 6 months... does it abate?

[mysonrich]

I am sorry for your loss. My son, Rich ,died on 01/18/2009 due to a cardiac dysrhythmia. Rich was 20 years young. He went to sleep one night and left this earth for the stars. I am new to this journey as you are. I can say that with the help of all the people here on BI, my journey is understood, people listen and support each other. You son makes me smile :-) tell us more about him when you feel you can. we are here

 

Betsy

[briansdad]

Ken,

Yes sometime down the road you will be able to function again. This Sept will be 5 years for me and I do still have bad days but not too often. When I start  to get down I try and think of all the fun times we had and try to remember what a gift I had to have my son in my life. This does help. You have a ways to go but please hang in there because it does get better.

Greg

Briansdad

[shorty16]

Ken

Yes, it does get better, but only one thing seems to help - - time.

I lost my 16 year old son on 6-19-08 from car surfing (he was on the hood of a car and the driver was driving 68 mph and hit a tree).  Brian died at the scene.

The first year is the worst.  I have 2 other children, 15 and 19.  They are so angry, that they take it out on everyone around them.  It is finally getting better, but it took a year just to get them to talk nice to the world around them.

Ken, join us on the thread of Loss of an adult child.  Even though my Brian was not an adult, it does not matter.  We have parents who have lost a child at 1 day to over 50 years old.  The loss of a child is the loss of a child.

You are doing good just standing upright and breathing.

Take care of yourself, be kind to yourself.  Do not expect to function at the same level you did before Hunter died as after.

Colleen, Brians Mother Forever

[ericasmom]

Hunter is beautiful and I am so sorry for your loss. Yes, it does adn will get better, but there are things to help you, like being with us for one. HAve you gone to get family help, therapy? Your little girl needs to be helped, and one way to do this is for the whole family to do counseling. So often, couples find the strain of a death of a chile too big for the marriage. The last thing anyone needs is for your marriage to crumble. Your hearts are crumbling, and no two hearts crumble at the same exact times. Finding ways to help one another is very important both to your marriage andto the other children. I imagine it must be intensely exhausting to take care of others when your own life feels too heavy to bear. Hang tight, and please find a social worker to assist. Your pediatrician should have a list of local therapists and social workers. Make sure that your surviving children are also involved in something called RAINBOWS through the school. Check itno that and see if your schools have a RAINBOWS group during the schoool year. And if not, see if there is a school around that does or a saturday group. It is all about kids who go through loss.

Please hang on, ask your wife to visit us as well. I am praying for you. I have just reached the 6th year after losing my Daughter, ERica. She was 19. Life will get better, you must work at it, but it will be worth it. Hunter will continue to be proud of you all as you find your way.

dee

[mikesmum]

Ken - What a beautiful boy.  I love the way he looks directly into the camera.  The picture in the avatar shows he is one of a fun loving family.

I lost my eldest son Micheal Jan 2007, he was 31.  No matter what the age or how we came to lose them, we have still outlived our child and that is something only those who share the experience can understand.  Here I have found strengths I thought I had lost forever, empathy and compassion with each step I have had to take on this uncharted journey.

As a parent we struggle to understand why our child so how do we explain this to our surviving children?

As many before have said, it does get softer. The journey you now find yourself on can underscore the rest of your life.  Here we are mums and dads who support, listen and share. 

Seek some professional support for Molly and yourselves - this is something that take time and can deplete you of all your life's energy.

Share when you can your beautiful Hunter and your family.  There is so much more to our children than that one day.   

Take Care - Trudi

[mikesmomrs]

Ken:  Your Hunter is such a beautiful child...I am so very sorry for your loss.  As others have said, it does get "softer" over time, but time is what it takes, and time can be different for everyone.  I lost my son, Mike, at the age of 31, on Oct 14, 2006, and the pain is ongoing, but as others have said, it does get softer.  It is an unplanned journey, and as Trudi said, we find out that we don't want that one day to define the life of the one we loved so much.  The memories of that life will eventually seem less bittersweet, and we will become more thankful for them.  It is not easy, but with the help and support of those who do understand, such as those on this site, we do make it, even if only one day at a time.

Please join us on "Loss of an Adult Child."  There are many there, from 1 day, on upward, as we've said, and you will find much support and caring,unlimited understanding and true comfort. 

Please share more of Hunter's sweet life, when you can. 

love and peace,  carol  mikesmomrs

[azsummer2003]

WHat a beautiful child, I am truly sorry for your loss.

[welovedrew]

OMG... I also live in MA and lost my son last November 2008. Does it get any easier?! I am still not over the initial shock and continue to have PTSD every day. It is a little bit better but, I continue to cry every day. My family also struggles with this devastation. It is a very hard road and I am so sorry that you are meeting us here under these circumstances. Please visit BI often. There are so many wondeful people here that can understand your pain, frustration, sadness. They are an unbelieveable support system. Please let us know how you are doing! (Drewsmom) Mary

[welovedrew]

PS...Hunter is a cutie!

[averysdad]

Ken

I'm so sorry for your family, what a wonderful picture.

We lost our son Avery on Sept 30, 2007, the day before his and his twin sisters 17th birthday. Losing a twin is difficult, I know in our case that our twins always competed for our love and attention, they were like oil and water, very different from one another, but there was a bond between them that transcends everything else. Avery's sister has had her difficulties, some of which are very particular to having lost her twin brother.

I would be very open to discussing our experience with losing a twin, if you want just send me a PM and we can communicate with one another.

Dale

[lauretta01]

Dearest Ken

I can only say how very sorry I am to read of your loss. We lost my stepson on the 20th April 2009 at the age of 13 and I can identify with you. It is almost as if you walk around with your "eyes wide shut" and the pain is physical. I cannot give you much encouragement and for that I apologise all I can say that it helps to take baby steps. I also think that you need to keep them alive in your thoughts and words as difficult as it is, and you need to grieve (cry when you need to, smile when you can). You don't need to be strong or brave share your pain with your partner as I believe this journey can only be shared and not walked alone. I read a beautiful passage by Kahlil Gibran and hope it helps just a bit-

   For what is it to die but to stand naked in the wind and to melt into the sun?

And what is it to cease breathing, but to free the breath from its restless tides, that it may rise and expand and seek God unencumbered?

Only when you drink from the river of silence shall you indeed sing.

And when you have reached the mountain top, then you shall begin to climb.

And when the earth shall claim your limbs, then shall you truly dance.

I believe our children are indeed dancing in the sun unencumbered.

God speed and may the sun be on your face and the wind behind your back to help you on your journey.

Lots of love Lauretta, Mannie, Kyle and Dario

    

[kenpope]

Thanks for your thoughtful and insightful reply.  Indeed, we walk through each day with veiled eyes, as if everything is behind a curtain of pain.

The hard part is, of course, 'being there' for the other children - and just simply living life.

Of course I know that nothing other than the balms of time will help, and it does look like a long difficult journey

Thank you for writing even while in the depths of your own pain. 

Ken

[mamabets]

For kenpope~ Once again, I share this pain with a tortured parent... I am so, so, so sorry, yet I must say that you have come to the right place. Beyond Indigo is filled with stories like yours, for we are all surving this nightmare.

My son, Danny, passed away at the age of 25, in June of 2004.

Yes, it most definately does get softer. Easier is a word that I just simply removed from my vocabulary... Softer is the perfect word for this... One day you will  say to yourself..."Wow.. Is this MY heart that is continuing to beat??", at which point you grab at this glimmer of hope, and just naturally, somehow, build from there.

You will love to laugh again.. You will sing and you will dance. You will hug like never before, it will seem, and life will have a HUGE sense of purpose. I promise you this~

Continue to reach out to those that are there for you...xo

A precious little boy, Ken. Another beautiful face of an angel that will hold on to my heartstrings forever...

Much Love~

mamabets and Danny, her little wink from here, there and everywhere

[4everjoeysmom]

Ken, I'm so sorry for your loss. I too have lost a son. He was older, but I have walked alongside many who have lost young sons and daughters as well. Many of the things we go through in grief are "kindred". But so young, so sweet and innocent, and precious.. You will go through many "firsts" as a dad and as a family. Like school starting, sports teams and activities, family vacation, holidays, birthdays, father's day, mother's day--some already you've gone through and many still yet to come. And with each "first" will come the sting of the loss and a wave that feels like you've been knocked back and are starting all over again. It goes on for some time. But as I've found through my 3-1/2 years on this journey, the waves and tide of the storm ebb and flow in time. The waves crash in, stay, and eventually ease out for a time. They return frequently. And then less frequently, but maybe as strong. And after a longer while they visit from time to time, but the season of dry sand and sunshine does eventually stay for longer stretches.

In two months my surviving son will be getting married. He is 26 and Joey would be 27 now. There will be no Best Man standing in a tuxedo next to my son, because the Best Man can never be replaced by another... This saddens me deeply for what my son must be going through--the bittersweet to come on one of the most significant days of his life. Then there will be his children born, and many more firsts that he won't get to share with his brother. So, yes, he and I, and our family still feel the sting of our loss and we always will. But somehow we find the grace and strength to pay our lives forward and share the love and joy that Joey brought to our lives.

Time... It's true. But also "unity" in the family, watching out for one another--to give that extra hug or sentimental talk, or share a laugh and a tear... These things and more will become your life's journey. But you will become stronger and more comfortable in your "new normal" as time marches on. You will one day see the blessing before the pain. So, as your tides crash and ebb and flow, please do not become discouraged in thinking that it will always be this way. Yes, some things will be... but it won't always be this hard.

My thoughts and prayers to you and your family. There are many who have already given some good advice and words of comfort. I pray you find a light in the darkness by having come here to meet many who know and truly care...

~Claudia (4EverJoeysMom)