How do I get through this??

[MyJules]

My twin flame, my soul mate, my heart..left earth four days ago and I didnt see it coming. He was unwell but had picked up. He wasnt supposed to go. We have only been married a year and a half. He was 37. We had so many plans...a baby, moving country..and now hes gone. I cant see his beautiful eyes or laugh at his super humour or snuggle into his warm chest. I am trying so hard to take it moment by moment. Last night I realized we will never go out for a meal together again... Hoe can he be gone??? Its not enough that he is with me in spirit...Nobody knows what to say or do around me. I dont know what to say or do around me. I need his voice and his touch. He really was my world, my everything. Our lives were so entwined..... Heartbroken doesnt come close to how I feel...

[ModKonnie]

I'm so very sorry. You've come to a good place. Many people here have lost their everything. You will find encouragement, support and comfort. 

 

We will be with you,

 

ModKonnie

[BrenDoug]

I feel the same.  I lost my soulmate of 17 years on February 21 - to lung cancer.  He died in our home, holding my hand, as I assured him I would be "OK" if he needed to leave.

I guess I lied - I am NOT OK.  I am incredibly lonely, even when people are around.  Thank goodness for my 2 little dogs - they are such comfort as I try to find my way though this horrible time.

Brenda

[Karenr]

Myjules and BrenDoug. I feel everything you do.  I lost my husband of 16 years last week suddenly due to a "routine surgery". He was 39. Nothing makes sense. I am living a nightmare.

 

how is it possible I will never see or touch him again ...

[BrenDoug]

It still seems surreal - I keep expecting him to walk in the door and ask how my day was.

I am not in denial, but OMG this is so hard!

[MyJules]

I am so sorry for your pain. It is almost five weeks now since he left earth and it feels harder each day. The moment my eyes open the empty dread of another day pours over me. I dont want him gone. I dont want to be without him. I dont know how to do this.  

In a very low state last weekend I drank too much and I took an overdose of strong tablets. I have never done such a thing in my life. I was released from hospital ok but It has left me so fragile and shaken. I dont want to die. I just dont want to live this. I dont want my life without him. Without us. Without his presence, his voice, his smile, his everything. The only thing that I can manage is taking it hour by hour. I promised my brother I wouldnt make such a bad decision again and I will keep that promise. This is just astronomically hard. The grief is monstrously strong. Its power is all consuming and it paints dark black all over me...

Just breathe....

[jillme]

On 16/03/2016 at 8:22 AM, MyJules said:

I just dont want to live this. I dont want my life without him. Without us. Without his presence, his voice, his smile, his everything. The only thing that I can manage is taking it hour by hour. I promised my brother I wouldnt make such a bad decision again and I will keep that promise. This is just astronomically hard. The grief is monstrously strong. Its power is all consuming and it paints dark black all over me...

 This is how I feel too. My husband was killed in a motorbike accident on the 13th January. We've been together forty years and I don't want to live without him and as you said, 'without his presence, his voice, his smile, his everything.' It feels like life is ended, doesn't it. I don't even know how to  live without him. We lived and loved inside each other and I can't imagine a life without him and don't even want to think about it. Physical pain has a remedy but this kind of pain is even worse because nothing stops the hurting. It's starting to feel kind of temporary, like soon he'll walk back in the door and tell me everything is okay like he always has and chide me for worrying and getting so upset. 

 

[Karenr]

Jillme- I'm sorry for your loss and pain.  

I know those feelings of thinking he will be home or seeing something by the door and for a second thinking he's home.  

The pain is the worst though. It's deep inside and affects every part of my body and nothing makes it go away.  

 I see him every time I look at our child knowing how much he loves us, that keeps me going. I don't know what I would do otherwise.   

Hugs

 

[jillme]

Thank you karen. The pain is the worst as you say,  it never lessens, wherever I am and whatever I'm doing. It's raw. My kids are all grown now, There was just my husband and me at home and we grew so close, we were one person. What has happened seems impossible and unreal, as if soon I'' wake and it will be just a  nightmare, but the nightmare is a reality that there's no escape from. 

 

[jillme]

Two more weeks have passed. The pain gets deeper all the time. Missing him won't go away. The pain just goes deeper inside as people get on with their lives and there is this feeling that they think I should be feeling better now - so I don't say anything to them anymore. Inside, I'm dying. And i can't see the future. I don't want a future. 

 

[jillme]

I still can't believe his absence is permanent. My heart says he'll come back, he must, my head says it's not going to happen - and me myself I can't bear what my head is saying. I'll go crazy before I get through this, I'm sure. 

 

 

[MyJules]

Im so sorry you feel this way jillme. What you write is exactly how I feel. I woke up today not understanding how this can be real. How can my beautiful one be gone???

And as days go on I too have to wear a mask. I dont want to have to but I do. People dont know the weight of this. Nobody gets it. It is monstrous. It is so overwhelming and the days just keep going and people live their lives and yet here I am in this horrendous new reality that I dont want. I too cant see a future. I sort of know your pain..I do. It is all consuming and its too much sometimes. Theres nothing I can say to help you. Other than somebody else on this planet feels such great loss and despair. It is the loneliest darkest place I ever knew could exist. Keep breathing.

They say it wont always be like this. I try to believe that...but its so hard. I send you warmth and softness....

[jillme]

Thank  you My Jules. I could have written what you have, I feel exactly the same. No one does know the weight of it and nobody gets it. It is monstrous, horrible. It's like being boxed in with no escape because which ever way I turn, the sickening sense of loss is there, wherever I go, whatever I do, whoever I'm with, who ever I'm talking to. All the nights and days go by as one - with an all pervading sense of loss, they're all the same.  It helps to know that I'm not alone in what I feel. its not easy to believe that things will get better, as you say. Thank you MyJules, sending you warmth and softness too. 

[jillme]

For you MyJules https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pBg9btpGqKU

 

[MissingRandy]

On ‎2‎/‎13‎/‎2016 at 8:57 AM, MyJules said:

My twin flame, my soul mate, my heart..left earth four days ago and I didnt see it coming. He was unwell but had picked up. He wasnt supposed to go. We have only been married a year and a half. He was 37. We had so many plans...a baby, moving country..and now hes gone. I cant see his beautiful eyes or laugh at his super humour or snuggle into his warm chest. I am trying so hard to take it moment by moment. Last night I realized we will never go out for a meal together again... Hoe can he be gone??? Its not enough that he is with me in spirit...Nobody knows what to say or do around me. I dont know what to say or do around me. I need his voice and his touch. He really was my world, my everything. Our lives were so entwined..... Heartbroken doesnt come close to how I feel...

I know how you feel.  I don't even know who I am anymore.  My husband died 20 minutes after I left him in the bedroom.  He was awake when I left and gone when I came back.  I had stayed with him since bringing him home from a minor procedure at 6:00 PM, on the 23rd.  He died at 4:00 PM Christmas Day.  I never realized how much I went to him for.  He let me believe I ran things and made all the decisions, but obviously not because I can't make them now.  He was not sick, in fact we had gotten him healthy and almost normal before that angioplasty in his leg.  I miss him constantly and it is never going to get any better.  I just try to make it through each day taking care of the two little dogs that he loved.  We were together almost 40 years and he made me laugh everyday, from the first night I talked to him up to and including the day he died.  I loved to see him happy and he was the same with me.  I miss his smile, his laugh, his beautiful spirit and I am not the same person without him.

[Red]

I'm here with you all. I lost my partner/soul mate on March 25 following a sudden and massive heart attack/cardiac arrest on March 23. I never got the chance to say goodbye, and after two traumatic days in ICU (with never much more than the slightest thread of hope), I was with him as we turned off the machines. He and I got to be together about 4.25 years (I had been in an 18-yr marriage before that). But even as my ex and I are still close (and co-parenting our children), I know that Don was the love of my life, and I'm having a hard time coming to terms with losing him so unexpectedly and so soon. Four weeks later, his death still feels unreal at times.

So much of what people have said here on this thread is exactly what I've said (or written in my journal) these past four weeks. The pain of missing him just won't go away. I go crazy with deep longing to touch him, talk to him, hear his voice. And I feel as though my future is empty; I don't want a future without him. He was such a part of my self-concept and my view of my future. And in this state of acute grief, it's impossible to even begin to reconstruct those things. So I feel confused and lost and alone -- not like myself at all. I lost everything when I lost him -- my best friend, my greatest support, my sense of feeling loved and cherished, my sex life, and my fun and vacations (plans I was very excited for have had to be canceled, and the dreams of all the other things I'd wanted to do with him have been crushed). I lost the one person I felt completely safe and intimate with, the one person I could stand before fully naked -- in both mind and body -- and feel visible in just the way I want to be seen while also feeling loved for what I was. How can I be expected to process all that in just four weeks? Or even four months or four years?

I can function for brief periods of time now (am driving my kids to activities, doing a little grocery shopping, keeping up with laundry), but I haven't returned to my p/t job and don't know when I will (keeping up with the kids is almost too much as it is). The waves of grief hit hard several times a day. They crush me and nearly drown me each time. But then whether it's strength or merely some self-preservation shut-down of my brain, I come out of it again. But even at these times, I mostly feel like a zombie, like I'm on auto-pilot. It's good to know that this is all normal for this stage of grief -- all of us here are fighting the same battle. Many have fought it before us and come through -- forever changed and still grieving in softer, more manageable ways, but through nonetheless. I try to take some hope in that knowledge, though it's impossible to feel it right now. I still feel hopeless because I'm not close enough to see any light yet.

I have been reading "I Wasn't Ready to Say Goodbye" (a book on coping after sudden loss) and have found at least parts of it helpful in normalizing some of my experiences. It also helped me understand that I need to prepare myself for a long, hard haul -- probably at least three years before the grief becomes manageable within an otherwise hopeful and happy life. It will be a miserable few years, but knowing that it takes a long time is also comforting. Because four weeks after losing Don, I am clearly NOT okay. I'm barely getting by with the bare essentials of self-care and living. And apparently that's okay. I also write a LOT. I share my thoughts and feelings with friends who are particularly supportive, and I have written letters to Don every single day. It helps (at least in the moment) to commune with him (and with others who love me and especially those who loved him) in this way and get some of my thoughts and feelings out. So I recommend journaling too, if you're so inclined.

I came looking for these boards to see if I might find some comfort in talking with others going through the same sorts of losses. So I just wanted to let you know that even though I'm at the same place as you are (and therefore overwhelmed, confused, and still not feeling hopeful), I'm here and I sympathize with your struggle. I've come to think of my struggle as finding a way to be okay with missing and loving Don every day for the rest of my life. This sort of love isn't something you get over, and I expect to miss him and love him always (why would that change?). I just have to trust that I will come to be okay with that so I can be open to reconstructing my life and maybe finding happiness again. I don't know how to do that yet. For now, I am NOT okay. But I know that time is going on without him and I'm going with it, so I must find a way to be okay if I'm going to keep living. And it seems that most people who have been where I am do.

I wish us both the best on this journey of grief and healing. It's hard and it's unfair, but that doesn't mean we don't have to walk it.

[MyJules]

I am so sorry for your loss Red and MissingRandy. 

It is a terrible place we are in. A dark one that is so so hard to navigate. The loss, the emptiness, the grief, the isolation, the yearning..

Have you read this?...It is so apt..it is heartbreakingly true.

http://m.atchuup.com/advice-on-how-to-deal-with-grief/

[Missy22]

I feel so much of what all you ladies have described. I lost my husband unexpectedly on Dec 26 (he was 47....just 3 days short of turning 48)....the day after Christmas. I don't think I will ever be the same again. It's been almost 4 months now and the emptiness just seems to get bigger. You're so right about people treating you differently. And everyone who has lost a parent has tried to give me advice....like it's the same. I lost my Dad 4 years ago (he was 65)...it was awful and I went through a whole grieving process with that but this is so very different. The loneliness is all consuming most of the time. I try surrounding myself with friends and family but when I'm at home with my kids (one is 13 and one is 8) I just feel the emptiness. Especially when the kids go to bed. I've started just going to bed when they do.

I just want you all to know, though, that you are not alone. I just joined this forum to help myself be "less alone". To try to find others going through what I  am going through. I hope to help and also be helped by all of you.

Sending you all lots of love.

Missy

[Red]

MyJules, a friend of mine sent me that same link. It really resonates with me. That's a lot like how it feels. Now when I become overwhelmed with emotion (usually it's despair or yearning that completely knock me out), I call it a wave. They come less frequently than they did at the very beginning, but they still come every day. And I still feel like I'm drowning when they do. But then they pass.

Missy22, I'm so sorry for your loss, too. They are all so awful. I know what you mean about people talking about losing a parent or a friend. I haven't lost a parent yet, but it can't possibly be the same. When you lose a partner, you lose so much at once. You don't go to bed with your parents every night, you don't make love with them, you don't generally consider them your best friend (especially if you have a partner), you don't typically rest all your plans and dreams for the future on being with your parents. I don't think grief can be compared quantitatively (how would we even do that?), but the loneliness, despair for the future, and yearning following the loss of a partner has got to be qualitatively different from other losses. People generally only have one partner at any given time, and they have a unique relationship with that partner. Losing a partner leaves a huge hole that nothing else can fill.

You are three months ahead of me on this journey, Missy 22. I can kind of believe the emptiness growing bigger as weeks turn into months. Tomorrow is one month exactly since Don's cardiac arrest. I read one quote (in one of my grief books I've been reading for insight) from a man who had suddenly lost his wife 9 months earlier. He said that in some ways the more time that passes, the more confused he had become. "I don't know what to feel or do anymore, or how I'm supposed to feel." I can imagine it gets hard to know what to feel when your grief is the only thing left really connecting you to the person you love. And as time moves us farther from our partners, things may get worse before they get better. I'm not looking forward to that. I hope that despite the emptiness you are finding ways to cope. Healing is happening all the time, though we all need a lot more time before we'll be ready to reconstruct a life where happiness returns.

Hugs to everyone feeling empty and lonely tonight.

[MyJules]

Thank you for your words Red. And missy too. It makes me feel overwhelmed to think of this getting worse. It already feels like it is as bad as it can be. No brightness, no light. Nothing to look forward to. I can only hope that my husband Jules keeps staying with me and guiding me and helping me. Trying to stay in the present is so challenging but its the only place that keeps me most sane. The future is too much and the past is too hard. Right now is so hard too...but ....oh this grief is such a monster. Nobody can ever understand its power without experiencing..the loss, the emptiness, the brokeness. I wish so ease for you all today .