Missing my boyfriend/bestfriend

[Naddo]

Hello everyone,

It has now been 6 and a half weeks since i lost my boyfriend. My boyfriend suffered from bipolar disorder and killed himself 2 days after Christmas. We spent Christmas together with his family, his parents agreed it was the happiest they had seen him in a long time! He gave me a promise ring for Christmas and spent the next day telling me how excited he was to marry me one day. Later that night we had gotten into a stupid argument after a night of drinking and we went our separate ways. I usually would stay with him but i was so upset we got into another fight after drinking. This was pretty common and he as he struggled with his drinking. He text me saying we should break up followed by saying he lived a good life. I had been threatened so many times and in the past I found our fighting pushed him in that direction more so i shut off my phone with full intensions of going to talk to him in the morning like i had so so many times before. This was the biggest mistake of my life. In this time he text me 6 times saying goodbye. He just needed to be reassured that he was loved, that he was an amazing individual and that he would be missed. I couldn't do that for him. He was in a dark place and he felt alone and as if he had no one in this world. The fact that i let him feel that way breaks my heart! Once getting home i turned my phone on and received 2 phone calls telling me i needed to check on my boyfriend after he made a scary phone call to a mutual friend. I woke up my sister and we drove there both expecting nothing. She sat out in the driveway when i walked into the house looking for him. The house was dark and i saw nothing. I walked into his room and i saw nothing. Than i turned around and saw the most horrific thing i have ever seen. it was my amazingly loving boyfriend hanging in his closet all alone. Since this day i have felt a lot of guilt for how i handled that night. He was not only my boyfriend, but also my best friend and my favourite person in this world. I go to bed every single night and replay the events of that night and change something. I don't shut off my phone and go to his house, I convince him to stay in with me, or i just act more supportive. Each time i do this i change the outcome and think about what my life would be like if he was still with me. I wake up in the mornings and don't wanna leave my bed cause thats when i need to deal with the reality that he is gone. Some days i think i am going crazy and no one could possibly understand what i am going through.

[MyJules]

I am so sorry for what you have been through. There are no words to take away your pain. My beautiful husband died a week ago. He was 37. He had cystic fibrosis but he wasnt due to leave earth. We had so many plans and now my best friend, my twin flame,my beautiful Love is gone. I dont understand your exact grief but I understand what it feels like to lose the one person in the world who was your everything. I know hes with me. I feel him....but still. I only hope that sometimes you feel him with you too. Time they say,helps. I know I have such dark times ahead. I have felt glimpses of it and it is excrutiating. Know that it was his time. Know that he is at peace now. Know that his love for you was and is and always will be with you. You didnt do anything wrong and the what ifs just crucify you...i do the what ifs..and it leads to nowhere but anguish. Julesy is on another plane now soaring through on a cosmic adventure. I am taking things hour by hour. Its all I can do. I send you love and courage and strength.

[FOREVER-MISSING-MY-LOVE]

i am so so very sorry for your loss, please think and believe he is above resting on those comfy clouds watching over you and when the sun shines that him shining down on you, I have just went though the exact same thing i was gone for 33 minutes i was dropping my daughter off at dance class and i came home with my youngest and she went to the restroom and i was calling out "Hunny" Hunny" where are you? and then i went into the room and i seen a note on the bed and it said " I always Loved You, Good-Bye forever, and my heart dropped i went running out the room looking for my love, and i looked every where EVERYWHERE, and i could not find him, and then i went outside, i was calling his name and yelling hunny hunny, and i opened the garage door...... it was dark........ i had to walk thru the garage to get the light switch turned on......... and when i turned on the light........ i screamed and i tried my so so hardest to get him down and i tried so hard, i just could not i didn't have the strength to do it, i tried to save my love, and i just could not we lost him at 8:38pm on saturday dec 12th 2015. i will never ever in my life ever forget this day, i wish totally wish i would have begged him to come with us to drop our daughter off that night. i wish i did, and i keep thinking that and thats what goes thru my mind is if i tried harder ...... 

 

they are at peace , resting on the clouds now watching over us, every day, and don't ever forget - if you see a butterfly , thats him! <3 he is always around and hge is always near.    * Heaven needed More Hero's as angels up above * and now they have two amazing men up there,

 

Please don't blame your self, as I know I do my my love taking himself away also, it is just so hard to not, and i understand, but please dont. it hurts you the more in the long run as it has been crushing me every minute of every day. 

I am sending you strength and much courage to get through these following days and years ahead.

 

please reach out to me if you would ever want to chat or anything, i would absolutely enjoy a chat with you and if i can help in anyway please just let me know.

 

 

************************************************************************************

To my one and only Love of my life; 

Rest in peace my amazing Love, please watch over us and our girls, as we all miss you and love you to the moon n back sugar sweeets. <3 Until we meet again my love.

 

[KensLove]

 I was with my life partner for 25 years. Three weeks ago we were married. Last week he took his own life. I don't know if there is ever a way to be sure of the right thing to do when you're dealing with someone who suffers from bipolar disorder.   Where you down and leave you second-guessing yourself over and over again. I hope you find peace in yourself

[Djoll]

I don't know why last night when I couldn't fall asleep I decided to look up stuff about other people in the same situation I am....having a loved one commit suicide. I was with my boyfriend for 2 years, at first things were great and then about a 9 months in things started to take a turn for the worse and like any toxic relationship we would fight and argue and hit the lowest of lows but we couldn't stand to be without each other so we would always make up as soon as possible. He was my best friend, he let me live with him, we went to school together (I am only 16 as of right now, 14 when this all started) and we were legit best friends and I would have done ANYTHING for him. Both him and I enjoyed getting high and doing various drugs, nothing hard. And never herion...he lost his sister in 2013 due to a herion overdose and he grieved over her almost everyday and I could see the sadness in his eyes grow as the end of his days grew nearer. He treated me very very badly, always being lied to, cheated on, always getting called names and put down and he made me feel like the crazy depressed psycho because I was depressed for a small amount of time. I had finally had enough of feeling bad by the way he treated me, and at this point the bad overweighted the good and I saw a cycle in our relationship of always breaking up, then getting back together right always promising to fix our relationship but it never happened. On Valentine's Day of this year I finally had the strength to break up with him, I felt free from his control and for the first time in a long time I had a sense of having a chance to find out who I am and not have to worry and take care of this 19 year old boy who couldn't even look for a job or shower more than once every 2 weeks and wear something other than the same outfit every week. I felt such an intense anger for him over everything he had put me through and I just wanted to be free of his control over me and his manipulation that made me feel like the bad guy when he would wrong me. After I broke up with him he begged and begged and begged for me back and to just see me and talk to me and he wouldn't leave me alone for 2 days. The last time I ever spoke to him he was mad because I wasn't around to give him back his smoking pipe I had from when we were still together. About 3 hours after that I had found out he hanged himself in his garage with his dogs collar. And that broke my heart into a million pieces and everyday I pray and I pray that i could go in time to the moment he had wanted to see me that day and I would stop everything just to talk to him and I would tell him how much i truly love him. 3 months later and the pain doesn't get any better it just gets worse and worse for me everyday and I think about him all day. I lost my best friend, my other half. I feel as though I will never feel the same way about somebody ever again and he was the great love of my life. I feel as though I will never be satisfied by anyone else because my heart yearns for him and him only. Just wanted you to know your not alone and I understand how you feel. I, as well, wanted to know there were other out there who had been through similar situations and felt the way I did. I know I don't know you but if you ever need to talk feel free to contact me. Best of luck with everything.