I Can't Reconcile the Man I Knew With One Who'd Do This

[Angelsmoon]

We met at work almost 5 years ago and our friendship grew to the point that we started dating officially 2 years ago. I was 43 and I felt like I'd FINALLY met the person I was meant to be with. We had so much in common and really had fun together. We worked together (literally sitting at the same desk for the past 4 months because of a remodel to our building), we ate lunch together (often with other friends) every day, we went bike riding 3-4 times a week and out to breakfast on weekends, we travelled and went scuba diving together, we explored our little city (we both moved there from other places) and the surrounding areas, we played online games, watched movies, we did EVERYTHING togetherHe was 8 years older than me, very smart and I loved talking with him and learning from him. For almost 3 years, he was literally my first thought every morning and last thought every night.

The last time I saw him was Monday, November 30. We left work together and the next day he didn't come in. He said he was sick and a little stressed. On Tuesday, Wednesday and Thursday he didn't come to work and he stopped communicating with our co-workers, was minimally responding to me. I went to his house on Thursday, 12/3 to see what was going on. He wouldn't let me in. I texted him and told him that I know he was in the house because I heard him and that either someone else was in there or he just didn't want to be F$(!ed with, but I just wanted to know he was okay and share the burden.

On Friday, December 4 he committed suicide. Sent me an email saying that he had been dealing with mental issues since 1983. I had no idea - and apparently no one in his family even did either. He was the strong one that everyone turned to! He said that because of the stress, mass racism and all the other BS going on in the world today, he had decided to "go back to my planet" (a joke we had for why we didn't seem to fit in sometimes).

Right now I am having a hard time reconciling the man I loved to someone who was in SO MUCH despair for 4 DAYS that he could find no other way out! I feel guilty because our romantic relationship was so "iffy" because it would be going good and then he would just kind of shut down and shut me out. When I asked why he said he didn't know why he was doing it. So I would get angry and held back to give him his space. We NEVER stopped spending time together, we'd just stop sleeping together for a while. I was okay with it because -other than those times- he was so good and loving and attentive to me. He was perfection to me and I just feel like if I had been more open about how much he meant to me and told him that I loved him, he would have had the courage and the trust to confide in me. But I assumed he knew and now he's gone.

I left town a week later and I haven't been back yet. But I have to go back next week and I don't know how I'm going to do it. How do I face this new normal? How do I deal with the fact that everywhere I go and everything I do is going to remind me of him? We even lived right by one another, so I will have to pass his house every time I leave home until I can move in May. How do I do it? How am I supposed to feel? I know that something in me has changed. I'm usually a happy, optimistic person. Since this has happened, I haven't found my way back to happy...I've been "okay" most days, but some days I get overwhelmed with pain and loss and I wonder what the hell am I supposed to do when I go home next week? Can it even still BE home for me?

[ModKonnie]

I am so very sorry about your loss. Do you have people you can talk to? Friends? Family? Perhaps getting some professional help for a short time will help you be able to sort through everything you are feeling. It's okay to be afraid, angry, sad, lonely and whatever else you are also feeling. Cry if you need to. 

 

We will be here with you,

 

ModKonnie

[blue.orchid]

I am so sorry for your loss.

 

I cannot tell you what your loved one's experience was exactly, but I have a little insight on what it feels like to be suicidal. I have struggled with depression for years, which lead me to attempt to end my life.

 

First and foremost: please do not feel guilty. I had a therapist explain the difference between sadness and clinical depression this way: Sadness works from the outside-in, and depression works from the inside-out. That means that depression starts in the brain, and is not caused by external factors. It is a very serious illness, and experts have been researching how to treat it for a very long time. You cannot blame yourself.

 

When I was in that very dark place, the person I was closest to in the world was my mother. She helped me through many bad days, and she didn't even realize she was doing it. I was very self-conscious about my depression at first, so many people, including my family, did not know that I had it. It sounds to me like you were that person for your loved one. Your love probably prolonged his life, because it gave him something wonderful to live for. I think of my depression as waves in the ocean...I have calm days and stormy days, but once in a while there is a wave that is so large and so strong that it swallows me, no matter how hard I swim. Perhaps you were your loved one's life jacket, but the last wave was just so large that he was over-powered anyway. It was out of your control, and probably out of his as well.

 

I hope you can find some healing and peace soon. Best wishes.

[KensLove]

  Blue orchid, your words in this thread are the first thing that have giving me any peace of mind since my husband committed suicide. Thank you for sharing your experience. I hope I can keep your words in my head and my heart through the hard times ahead

[blue.orchid]

KensLove, I am so sorry for the loss of your husband. I am glad that my experience was able to give you some peace.