Finding peace in grieving

[ferida10]

Losing someone we love the most can led us to insanity. A mix emotions of all the negative thoughts such as anger, fear, loneliness, sorrow, blame, regrets and so many. A feeling that nobody can love us anymore like our partner's did. A feeling of being lost in this world and that everything is so dark. A feeling that half of our body died too.

I truly understand all of these because it's what I felt. My husband died through a motorcycle accident. He was speeding on a highway going to work but he has the right of way. Suddenly the eight-wheeler mixer was turning left. My husband tried to pull over but his body flew under the mixer truck and was run over. I can still remember the call I received telling me the news that he's dead. He didn't make it in the hospital. He was pronounced DOA. I had screamed on top of my lungs. I can't believe it.We were 10 years together and just had a 5 months old baby during his accident. I was still recovering from the birth of our baby because she was premature and undergone C- Section to survive the baby because she was an IUGR baby. Indeed she was a miracle baby and my husband was very proud of her progress.We had planned to set our wedding last August but everything has gone through the wind. I thought of death for myself. It's a feeling that I don't want to wake up anymore because the pain is too much to handle. It's ripping out my heart. Through my grief, I tried to pretend I'm ok. I don't want to bother my family, children, friends and people around me. I don't want them to be fed up on me. However keeping the pain inside me led me to hell. So what I did, I joined this site. I seek God through this hardest moment I felt. I had invited lay ministers for a bible sharing in my house. I confessed all the pain I felt to God. I attended Church every Sunday with my children. At the same time, I surfed online about Near death experience, life after death, visitation dreams and spirituality. I've done this for almost eight months. I cried almost everyday in my car when I drove almost 2 hours from home to work. I cried as much as I can while my heart and mind were fighting until I found love for God and myself. I never have thought that Love is a war. A battle of our heart and mind. I chose my heart. I became more gentle to myself. I grieved and I felt all the pain. I didn't escape this feeling of hurt because I don't want to live with insanity until I found peace within my heart. I finally felt happy again which I thought I couldn't do anymore. I was so lucky to experience the 10 years with my one true love. With Walter, I had experienced bliss and contentment in life before and after my grief. Walter's death brought me closer to God and gave me more understanding of life. All of us will also pass away. Our love ones will grieve for us too. We will all see each other in the after life. Life on earth is still wonderful to live. Everyday is non-ending learning. I know that all of you here will find the peace too. Just be strong and be gentle to yourself. Have faith in God. I'm praying to God to touch your heart and fill it up with more love and enlighten your mind everyday. You may not know me or will never see me in person, but I'd like to let you know all that I care for you and that I love you. We are many in the same journey. Take care. Ferida

[jillme]

Thank you Ferida for this. I cried all the way through reading it. My husband also died instantly in a motorcycle accident nine weeks ago and I wish that I'd been riding pillion and died too. We've been together forty years. Your words express how I feel ' . I thought of death for myself. It's a feeling that I don't want to wake up anymore because the pain is too much to handle. It's ripping out my heart.  '  But there's hope in your experience and I pray that I can find what you have found, in God.