Lost my boyfriend to heroin

[Miriamhuerta60]

On November 3rd I lost my boyfriend to a heroin overdose. I was on my 3 day of class when I found out. I had just seen him 3 days before. We shared the most beautiful weekend together. He told me I was his soulmate, that he wanted to start a family together, and get married. He said it was the best days of his life. I felt the same. He had lived with me and my family the last year but left about two weeks before to get clean off of his medication. He hadn't used heroin since he moved in with me. His brother who was supposed to care for him left him alone for a day and a half. I guess it was when he overdosed. I'm angry and upset at him and hurt to have lost my love. Everyone says I will love again or have my dreams still. But I don't want a family without him. I don't want to ever get married. I don't want children anymore without him. I miss him everyday and his warm beautiful smile. I go from moments where I'm okay to a roller coaster of emotions where I feel like I can't go on. I wish I had one more day with him. I wish I could be with him again.

[ModKonnie]

Miriam60,

Of course you are on a roller coaster of emotions! You are probably just now getting over some of the numbed shock of it all happening. You suffered a terrible trauma. We all wish we had one more day, but well, we just can't. 

 

Miss him all you want for now. Cry, rant, rage, cry some more and just grieve. There will be time to move forward later. Be angry too if you want. It's all okay. 

 

We will be here with you,

ModKonnie

[Miriamhuerta60]

Thank you for your words. I really mean it. Anything helps.

[Stevenkern369]

I am so sorry for your loss. My girlfriend, my best friend, died yesterday morning while i was working. Her 12 year old son found her and immediately called me. I was, and still am, in total shock over this. Devastated beyond words and only those who have experienced this could ever fathom the myriad of emotions and questions running through me. I know my girlfriend was using heroine along with a list of other drugs. I chose to limit my indulgences after being treated for alcoholism over 15 years ago. I knew what she was going through, the demons she faced daily. I related to much of the things she said and did -because i was there so many years ago. She was 36 and i am 45. But, as with many cases, i simply could never reach her. Never convince her that her story wasn't unique. But i never could get her to believe i knew that pain without her feeling i was being judgemental or superior in some way. Admittedly, i joined her in order for her to love me more. Even after warning her of my addictive personality disorder and knowing how hard it would be to overcome more obstacles in my life...i succumbed to partaking in her lifestyle. Not nearly as far as she took things, though. Her addictions took her to areas i knew i had no business being a part of. But i never wanted her to hide things from me and so never restricted her from doing what she wanted. I knew she would simply do it anyways and my love for her needed to be without secrets. So life was knowing she did things that were killing her but fear of losing her prevented me from trying to cobtrol her or have her go through some lind of intervention. I knew enough anout recovery that it rarely works without that person WANTING it to happen. And this was my situation. I could have left -but this wouldn't have helped her, in fact, i know it might have pushed her to into taking het own life. I tried talking with her family but to no avail. I thought often of having het committed -but couldn't stand the thought of seeing her locked away from her son. She had threatened suicide all the time. So much, that i became numb to the threats. She was unhappy with our relationship and most things in our life. We lived in seperate rooms in our house because of the constant and violent fights we regularly had. I was in love with her and she was with me....but she never seemed satisfied with any of it. I often said "you shouldn't always see the glass as half empty". This was just her way of thinking or seeing things. It frustrated me to no end and i struggled with trying to find or give her a life she would be satisfied with. But i never could. O sacrificed many things on that pursuit. My business of over 20 years, friends, family, money, reputation, and risked being arrested for no good reason -all in order to prove my love for her. I always wanted to get her to someday say "wow, nobody has ever done that for me, or sacrificed so much for me, he must truly love me" but that day never came. If i went out of my way to do something special, i was met with "...thats great, but i really wanted this" or after buying her a new Mercedes, it wasnt happiness but rather "...thats nice, but the other one is way cooler" if we went on vacation in vegas and spent thousands gambling and having fun, when it was time to go home there wasn't pure gratitude but rather "why cant we stay longer, this sucks!"

But i loved her regardless of her negativety. Regardless of her self destructive behavior. Regardless of if she ever believed in our love. I pointed it out, at times, when i had enough. -hoping she woukd put things into perspective. She had other relatinships where the men did absolutely nothing but abuse her, use her, and do nothing to lift het up on life. How could she not see how different i was compared to them? How could she not fond happiness when i gave het everything she could desire and the support and trust nobody evef gave her. A good life. A home and future for her son...but it was never enough. And now she is gone and om left alone asking these questions that i know can never be answered. I tried to mae her comfortable, a life without worry or want, a life most women kill for! I didnt do it to be seen as a big shot or did i ever need to be noticed or praised for it. In fact, most peophe5we knew never really knew how far i went to make this happen. If anything, all people knew was that i must be some kind of monster because of how unhappy she said she was. We would spend 90% of our time together but she would scream and cry that "we nevet spend ANY time together!" ..it was insane and unbelievable at times. It was never enough. But o loved her. Those times we spent together were magical and filled with laughter. I love and miss her greatly. I doubt i will recieve any sympathy over this and dont really care. O know im to blame and am surd others see fault in many things i have said. I enabled her, i didnt give clear guidelines to my love and our relationship, i wad too weak to get her the help she needed, too selfish to make her see her destructive path....and so on. No, i did try all of those things short of physically forcing her into things. Nothing worked. I seemed to enrage her with any suggestion or insight. She saw me as trying to act superior to her when all i wanted was for het to get better. Nothing i did struck a chord. .she wad unhappy for anything that happened. With drugs, there was never enough or good enough. And someone was always to blame. This often included hersrlf as the main target for her misery. No compliment was sufficient or held much value. But i loved her dearly. What will i do without her. Im so sad and alone. Her mother has her son now, but i feel she expects me to raise him into an adult. He is not my child, though. Ive only been a part of his life for under 3 years of the nearly 13 years he has been alive. Im in no position to raise him. Not when there are other famimy members he is closer to. I know it is a burden on her mother but i barely can take care of myself. I need to work and live my life. I didnt fall in love because of her son. He is awesome and we are good friends but he has many issues left still ahead if him and while it may be easier for her mother to leave this task to me, it is not what i ever had planned. If he was mine or had no other place to go but into the hands of the state...this might be different. But i feel im simply being used in order to make other people'slives less burdened. I know thats not fair to anyone. His mothet and i openly talked about this many times. She was facing 2 years in jail after being caught shoplifting a few months back. As upsetting as this was, i told her that it would be best in the long run for her son to be with his grandmother. I knew she wanted differently but that was knowing she would be out in a couple years. So i agreed tjat he could stay with me part of the time. Again, but that comprimise was with the thought that she would someday be coming back home to me. Now she is gone forever and i cant hold to the same promise. I cant. Its not fair to do this to me. What about my future? I had already left a young girl from being a part of my life when i was divorced . I helped raise my ex-wifes 4 year old daughter as my own , until she was 10. Only to find her mother was having an affair the entire time. When we divirced i had to slowly let go of this beautiful young girl who i considered my own. It was heartbreaking. Now, im supposed to embrace a child i have much less time knowing? What the **** am.i supposed to do? What is right for the child? What is right for me? Will tomorrow ever come? There are no simple solutions and so many more dynamics to my story. Im not asking for anyones support for me. O know i wont get it. I guess im just fortunate to be able to wtite this all down. My apologies for taking your time and i pray somebody finds the peace that o have not. Maybe, probably, its way too soon. My emotions are out of control. But love cant be put on hold or easily extinguished. Please, God, help my love to find the peace and security only you can give. THAT i wouldfreely give my own life for.

[ferida10]

Stevenkern369,

I understand the pain you are feeling right now. Losing someone we loved the most who became the center of our life is truly not easy. It's the right decision to vent out your feelings here because here there will be no judgement. People will understand your grief regardless of your story. So if you wish to write more about her, please do so. I too lost my husband who was my bestfriend to a motorcycle accident. It was devastating and most painful I had felt in my entire life.

Please be gentle with yourself. I'll keep her on my prayers and I'll keep you in my prayers too to touch your heart and ease your pain day by day.

[Krystal1122]

I just lost my boyfriend and father to my kids to the same thing on Christmas Day.. I feel your pain.

[Mmati]

I lost my boyfriend on November 14, 2015 from heroine overdose. He was clean for a year and we were expecting our first son. We were having a rough time in our relationship and i found him being unfaithful multiple times and his behavior just kept getting worse. Then one day i just got so mad at him. And we had a huge argument. He was mad at me and i was at him. He said i would never hear from him again. And i said the same. But i didnt think it was actually going to happen. I was just so upset with the lies and strange behavior. And when i tried to ask for help or even ask him if he was relapsing he would tell me i was crazy. That day we had that horrible argument was indeed the last time i ever heard from him. The next day at 8:30pm he was found dead by the police in a bathroom with a needle in his arm. I received a call from his family shortly after and all of a sudden my world just fell apart. I wanted to die so bad. I still do. The stress and arguments and now he decided to run to drugs. It was decided that it could have been an intentional overdose due to the amount that he injected. 3 weeks after he passed i gave birth to our baby boy. And i thought once the baby came i would be able to get through the pain more but it gets worse and worse every day. My boyfriends family is supportive with the baby but i can feel an obvious tension about his death. They believe i did it. That i was the reason why he is gone. And honestly i feel that way too. And everyday i have to be reminded and convinced to hang on another minute. Because i feel like dying all the time. It hurts like hell. I see a therapist and am on medicine. It helps but it doesnt fix it. I lost the man that i loved unconditionally. And even with all the deceit and lies i miss him like crazy. And it still feels unreal. I look at my son and i get so sad because i know he is going to grow up without his daddy. And i know that my boyfriend is supposed to be here with us.