I lost my boyfriend last week.

[only 113 days]

I met my boyfriend in July of this year. We met online, and our relationship was crazy and deep almost from the beginning. Within a week we were talking on the phone for hours a day and exchanging hundreds of texts and instant messages. By the time we had talked a month we were in love. I met him face to face for the first time about 7 weeks after our first online conversation. I spent a week with him, and he said it was the best week of his life. When we were talking about where we would live if we could choose anywhere, he said North Dakota. I asked why. And his response was "Uh, my future wife lives there, duh." He asked me when I wanted to get married that week. He had asked me through a text already too. Our relationship was so crazy and good that both of us just KNEW we were supposed to be together.

Things started falling apart shortly after that. He was incredibly depressed. He would tell me I was too good for him, and that he didn't deserve me. He would tell me he could never support my kid and me. Then we would talk through it and he would tell me he loved me again.

At the beginning of October, out of the blue he texted me and said "Babe, I can't do this anymore. I think I might commit suicide." I cried and begged him to please get help. He said he wouldn't. I asked if I could come see him. He agreed, and he agreed to not do anything stupid. I lived 18 hours away from him. I went to him. And I picked him up and brought him home with me. He didn't stay long because of drama with his friend. But once he was on the train he told me it was the biggest mistake of his life. Before he was even unpacked in Michigan we were making plans for him to come back to me, where he belonged.

His last few weeks were really intense and hard. He would go back and forth between telling me I was the best girlfriend ever, to completely ignoring me, or breaking up with me. I thought it was his depression. I was so worried about him. I reached out to the only friend I had contact information for.

The week before he died he started cutting himself again. He told me he had to die. I begged him to get help. I cried. He said he needed to do it on his own. I asked him to please let me help him. He said I was the only person he wanted to talk to. I was so sick that week. My temp was between 101-105 all week. I keep thinking if I hadn't been so sick maybe I would have handled it better. But I told him I was coming the next week. He agreed that he really wanted to see me. I was supposed to leave on Tuesday. His mom found his body Monday.

The aftermath has been really hard to deal with. We don't know for sure if it was a suicide. We have no answers. One of the hardest things for me to deal with is that no one in his family even called me to tell me. It makes me feel so alone. They seemed surprised that I went to his memorial. His mom was the only one I had ever met. And she hugged me and told me she was sorry. But it was such a lonely feeling being there surrounded by people I didn't know, and people who didn't even bother to call me to tell me the love of my life was dead.

We had so many plans for our future together. When I can force myself to sleep, I wake up an hour or two later reaching for him. I wake up so cold all alone in bed. I reach for my phone to call or text him several times each day.

I feel so much anger and confusion. And sometimes I wonder if he was just a dream. Is it really possible that I had such an incredible love with the bravest, strongest man I've ever met? And it's already over? I talk to his friends over and over and ask them to relay everything he ever said about me. I need the validation that it was real to him, too. That we really were supposed to get married and start our lives together. His friends give me that validation. He said I was the best thing that ever happened to him. So at least there's comfort in that.

[ModKonnie]

Only 113 days,

I am very sorry about the loss of your love. Have you considered getting some professional help or talking to others about him? The shock of all of this and the whirlwind surrounding your relationship has to be just creating chaos with your feelings. 

 

We will be here with you,

ModKonnie