sadness, pain, and guilt over the loss of my beautiful baby brother

[heartbrokensister]

Hello,

 

I have never posted in an online forum before, but the depth of my sadness and guilt over the loss of my little brother are forcing me to do all kinds of things that I never would have before. To give a little bit of context, I am an American overseas teacher who is currently living and working in Brasil. I have friends here, but none who have directly experienced such a loss, and the loneliness and looping thoughts are driving me crazy. Also, although they have offered, I feel nervous about burdening my friends with the heaviness of my grief. It feels easier to be at home alone crying and burning candles. When I am at work I try to pretend that things are fine because I know that's what most people want to hear. It also helps me get through the day without becoming lost in my inner pain. 

 

Two months ago today my little brother was killed at the age of 22. I had just been home for the summer and had a great time reconnecting with him. I have been overseas almost 11 years and was looking forward to moving back home to Seattle next year to reconnect with him and with the rest of my family, to finally move back after being gone for so long. My brother was born when I was 14 years old, so our relationship especially in his childhood was more maternal than most. I spent a lot of time babysitting, something I resented at the time and am thankful for now as I have so many beautiful memories of his childhood.

 

Although we had different fathers, I never considered him to be anything less than a brother. He struggled in his teenage years with making good decisions, by that time I had graduated from college and was living first in California, then in Nicaragua for my first overseas teaching job. As I said before, my brother made misguided decisions in many ways. The lifestyle he lived was bad and led to his death, but he was not a bad person. It was easy to see every time I came home that he was still the same baby brother I had helped to raise, loving and caring in his heart and spirit. I am struggling so much with my guilt over not doing more to try and help him. I could see he was in inner turmoil, but I didn't know how to reach him. His father although living emotionally abandoned him. After he divorced my mom he began a new marriage and family right away and left my brother behind. My mother enabled my brother's decisions in different ways, he was always her baby and she never gave him consequences. I felt sick about the situation and so I stopped dealing with it. I have to admit to myself that I did pull away, I felt that I needed to find my own way and like I said before, I didn't know how to get through to him. 

 

The guilt over not being able to help him make better decisions and start living correctly is really eating away at me. I know that my aching sadness over his loss is the real pain, but there are days like today that I feel certain that if I had tried harder, he would still be alive today. The last time I saw him in July I could see that he was finally maturing, starting to gain perspective on things and I felt so relieved and hopeful for his future. I don't understand why he was taken right at the moment when things were starting to change. My decision to move home was one I was unable to make for many years, and I felt excited about the possibilities as I said before. Now I feel that everything I've done has taken too long, I waited too long to come home. Maybe if I had been there I could have saved him. 

 

I wasn't intending to write such a long post. It has helped me to read everyone's stories and I just wanted to share my own. I have to find a way to forgive myself for what I didn't do and to live with the pain of the unnecessary loss of my beautiful baby brother. At this moment it feels unbearable. If anyone has suggestions for how to deal specifically with guilt, I would welcome them. Thanks for reading.

 

 

[ModKonnie]

I am very sorry about the loss of your brother. We all feel guilty for many things when a loved one dies. You must stop blaming yourself for any of your brother's struggles and decisions. I am a drug counselor by profession, and I know that each person is completely responsible for their own behavior, thoughts and actions. We cannot change anyone. They have to change themselves.

 

If writing makes you feel better, then continue to do so. Try writing him a letter; many people find that so healing and soothing. Tell him what you always wanted to say.

 

We will be here for you,

 

ModKonnie

[raemarie11]

Heart Broken Sister,

 

I am also struggling in dealing with the loss of my baby brother. He was 23 when he died suddenly. He had just graduated college two months prior and was on the road to success. He already had a prestigious job! He had so many dreams and aspirations. He was going to be a great man!

It's coming up on the one year anniversary of his death and it is weighing on me heavily. Since he passed, there hasn't been one second of one day that I haven't thought of him, the memories we had, and what could have been. There are so many emotions. So many that it hurts inside because there's no way to filter through them all. Especially at first. Two months is still so recent. I feel like 11 months is too (and I still can't believe it's been that long since I've spoken to him or seen him). I understand the majority of your pain, and wish there were words I could give to you that would comfort you. But there really aren't. Just take it one second at a time, I tell myself. That's about all I can do. I feel like the pain has subsided *slightly* since the two month mark. I would cry every day, couldn't pull myself out of bed. I still struggle with those feelings of not wanting to get out of the house but not every single day. But I also wanted to make him proud and not sad seeing his big sister throw away all of her dreams because of what happened to him.

So I decided to go full throttle into my job, though it was definitely difficult trying to juggle all of the emotions while pursuing a difficult career path. I was promoted right away, which gave me a 12-16 hour job that required most all of my attention. In a way it was a blessing because I didn't sulk in the emotions I was feeling during those hours (which was the majority of my day/night). But I feel like it was also a setback. I was putting my feelings on hold and only letting them out late at night or early in the morning, especially on the weekends. I started pulling myself out of being social. I was working and doing great things during the week (masking the emotions), but on the weekends I was depressed and completely vulnerable. Thankfully I have a wonderful boyfriend of 6 years (come December) that has been my rock. We live in California together but our entire families live in Texas and further east, so we're all we've got. However, I couldn't talk to him about my brother every time I needed an outlet, because that was ALL THE TIME. I knew that my grief was different than his (he knew him, but deals with his grief differently than I). I am able to talk about my brother's personality and past experiences and my boyfriend understands and is a good outlet in those instances but I had to find someone else as well. Some other type of outlet too. And Since not many of my friends in California knew him, it was hard to talk about him with them. Especially since I didn't want to burden everyone with thoughts and memories of someone who had passed away. Some people get uncomfortable in those situations, though it's unfortunate. 

I graduated to another level in my career at 6 months in to his death. It was/is my dream job. I couldn't be happier and I can't help but think that my brother was guiding me throughout this career that I had dreamed of all my life. I was finally moving along after having graduated college 4 years prior. I did meet a friend/collegue in the recent months that enjoys hearing about the memories of my brother and she welcomes them and the pictures all the time. She is a great person. But it took so long to find her. But I'm still empty. I would SO rather have him here. Physically. I know he has been with me along this journey but his personality was amazingly unique. There are so many that grieve him.

Which brings me to my next point - One thing I've learned over the last year is the hardest thing for people to understand is sibling loss. My brother and I were the only siblings in our family (aside from two older step brothers and 3 older step sisters that came into our lives later - and never lived with us). I feel for my parents who are grieving heavily as well as my brother's huge network of friends, but since I'm all the way out in California, I have no one here helping me, besides my boyfriend (who can only do so much). My parents have their significant others, his friends have each other (and also stop by to visit my parents which is the sweetest thing ever! And I'm so happy they do that for them), My step brothers have each other, my step sisters have each other, and my extended family all live in the same towns, so they all have each other. I don't even have a grave site to visit. We buried him in our hometown in Texas. My parents will occasionally send me pictures but it's not the same. I have no where to visit and no one who understands the significant loss. We were partners in crime. We had many roadtrips (our parents were divorced) so it was always him and I. Never seperated. That is, until I moved away to California for college 8 years ago. It pains me so much that I wasn't there in his last years of life. I never got to see him become a man. Due to financial reasons, I could only visit once or twice per year. We saw each other on holidays but that wasn't enough. I was supposed to look out for him in life. I was supposed to help him make the right decisions and give him advice in his future endeavors. I was supposed to be there for him through everything, and he was suppsoed to be there for me. But now I'm alone. I will have to bury my parents alone, I will have to raise my future kids without an uncle who they would have LOVED. My brother was such a kid at heart, at any family gathering you would catch him playing with the kids, swinging them around, playing hide and seek. He was so amazing, and my children will never get to know him and his amazing heart. It pains me so much. I wish I could say that pain would go away, but it doesn't. It's rough. It's difficult. It's never-ending. I was writing this to help you through and to know that you are not alone. I hope it hasn't turned in to my brother and I's life story. I guess I needed to vent too.

This is also my first time writing in a forum. I've never felt comfortable talking about my feelings, but I'm hoping this will help. I obviously poured my heart out and all that I was feeling. Hearing your experience was hard because I remember when I was at two months, but it was comforting as well, knowing I'm not alone in this. So I thank you for sharing your experience and allowing me to share my feelings as well. It was much needed. My thoughts and prayers are with you!

[heartbrokensister]

Dear ModKonnie,

 

Thank you for your caring response. What you say about people being responsible for their own decisions makes a lot of sense and in my head I know you're right. It's my heart that is having a hard time catching up. But, it is a healthy perspective and I'm slowly trying to accept it. It will take a long time but at least for today I can feel a measure of hope that I'll be able to work through my feelings.

 

From what I understand, you run this website and although I've only been on a few times, I can see what a labor of love it is for you. I can't imagine how many people you've helped here--it's obvious that it's too many to count. From the bottom of my heart, thank you for providing a space for the people (like me) who so desperately need connection in what often feels like the loneliest time of our lives. In doing so you provide a wonderful example of how to turn grief into good. I hope you continue to be blessed in your life. 

[heartbrokensister]

Dear MissMyBabyBrother,

 

Thank you so much for your heartfelt response. I really enjoyed reading about your brother. I'm so glad that you were able to celebrate him a little bit here and to help me in the process. He seems like he was an amazing person, and I am deeply sorry for your loss. 

 

It sounds like you were each a blessing to each other in life, and that he continues to inspire you although he is no longer physically here. What a wonderful relationship to cherish for the rest of your life. I guess that is the idea I'm trying to get used to as well--that in so many ways these measurements of time (two months, one year) are meaningless compared to the impact of loving and losing someone so close to your heart. I often still feel like I just found out yesterday. I think part of the reason the shock of a sudden loss such as the one we have both experienced is so devastating is that you are so instantaneously and irrevocably changed. I knew in my bones the minute I received the call that my life, my person, my story would never be the same. So it's not just the loss of our baby brothers, its also the loss of a huge chunk of our selves. Maybe that sounds obvious, but for me it is taking a "long time"  to sink in. I think I am only beginning to scratch the surface of the consequences of this loss. I've read a couple of books on grief in this time and they carry the same basic message-- that loss can lead to positive change, greater capacity for love and empathy, etc. I think that is true. But also, like you say, I would much rather have my brother back. Here in this world, not only in my heart. 

 

One small thing that you said caught my attention especially--about feeling distanced from his memory or any type of memorial site, you mentioned the grave site. Boy can I understand that. He never got to visit me here in Brazil but we did dream about it together. So far the idea that wherever I am, he is too, has been the most helpful. I also had the thought of your creating your own "memorial site". It could be a particular place--a view, a bench in a park--or an activity that you know he would have liked or that you enjoyed doing together, even going out to eat his favourite meal. Those days you need or want to make space to grieve alone you could go there or do that thing. Maybe bring a picture with you. I am making this up as I go along but for me these little rituals have been important. Some things are still too hard to do yet but I know I'll work up to it. My brother loved to swim and every time I go swimming I think about him (when am I not thinking about him?!), remember times swimming together, and feel him present around me and in my heart.

 

I still have so much grieving to do, I find myself still looking for his face in crowds. Anyone who looks even remotely like him causes a pang in my heart. Hurts and feels good at the same time. Anyway I don't know if I'm still making sense, I just wanted to respond to you because I can identify with so much of what you say. I absolutely agree that sibling loss is difficult if not impossible to understand if you haven't been through it. I don't wish this world on anyone that doesn't have to know it, at the same time I wish it were more recognised and/or easy to talk about with others. I know that with time I will find "my people"--people that understand or are willing to be supportive whether or not they have experienced it themselves. Sounds like your coworker is one of those people, bless her. I have found some already and I guess you just became one too.

 

I wanted to also say congratulations on your professional successes, I am sure your brother was always very proud of having a big sister like you. Pursuing your dreams at work seems like a noble way to celebrate his life and the relationship you shared in the time you had together. That is a treasure. 

 

Thank you again for listening and I wish you continued blessings and love in your life.

 

 

Heart Broken Sister,

 

I am also struggling in dealing with the loss of my baby brother. He was 23 when he died suddenly. He had just graduated college two months prior and was on the road to success. He already had a prestigious job! He had so many dreams and aspirations. He was going to be a great man!

It's coming up on the one year anniversary of his death and it is weighing on me heavily. Since he passed, there hasn't been one second of one day that I haven't thought of him, the memories we had, and what could have been. There are so many emotions. So many that it hurts inside because there's no way to filter through them all. Especially at first. Two months is still so recent. I feel like 11 months is too (and I still can't believe it's been that long since I've spoken to him or seen him). I understand the majority of your pain, and wish there were words I could give to you that would comfort you. But there really aren't. Just take it one second at a time, I tell myself. That's about all I can do. I feel like the pain has subsided *slightly* since the two month mark. I would cry every day, couldn't pull myself out of bed. I still struggle with those feelings of not wanting to get out of the house but not every single day. But I also wanted to make him proud and not sad seeing his big sister throw away all of her dreams because of what happened to him.

So I decided to go full throttle into my job, though it was definitely difficult trying to juggle all of the emotions while pursuing a difficult career path. I was promoted right away, which gave me a 12-16 hour job that required most all of my attention. In a way it was a blessing because I didn't sulk in the emotions I was feeling during those hours (which was the majority of my day/night). But I feel like it was also a setback. I was putting my feelings on hold and only letting them out late at night or early in the morning, especially on the weekends. I started pulling myself out of being social. I was working and doing great things during the week (masking the emotions), but on the weekends I was depressed and completely vulnerable. Thankfully I have a wonderful boyfriend of 6 years (come December) that has been my rock. We live in California together but our entire families live in Texas and further east, so we're all we've got. However, I couldn't talk to him about my brother every time I needed an outlet, because that was ALL THE TIME. I knew that my grief was different than his (he knew him, but deals with his grief differently than I). I am able to talk about my brother's personality and past experiences and my boyfriend understands and is a good outlet in those instances but I had to find someone else as well. Some other type of outlet too. And Since not many of my friends in California knew him, it was hard to talk about him with them. Especially since I didn't want to burden everyone with thoughts and memories of someone who had passed away. Some people get uncomfortable in those situations, though it's unfortunate. 

I graduated to another level in my career at 6 months in to his death. It was/is my dream job. I couldn't be happier and I can't help but think that my brother was guiding me throughout this career that I had dreamed of all my life. I was finally moving along after having graduated college 4 years prior. I did meet a friend/collegue in the recent months that enjoys hearing about the memories of my brother and she welcomes them and the pictures all the time. She is a great person. But it took so long to find her. But I'm still empty. I would SO rather have him here. Physically. I know he has been with me along this journey but his personality was amazingly unique. There are so many that grieve him.

Which brings me to my next point - One thing I've learned over the last year is the hardest thing for people to understand is sibling loss. My brother and I were the only siblings in our family (aside from two older step brothers and 3 older step sisters that came into our lives later - and never lived with us). I feel for my parents who are grieving heavily as well as my brother's huge network of friends, but since I'm all the way out in California, I have no one here helping me, besides my boyfriend (who can only do so much). My parents have their significant others, his friends have each other (and also stop by to visit my parents which is the sweetest thing ever! And I'm so happy they do that for them), My step brothers have each other, my step sisters have each other, and my extended family all live in the same towns, so they all have each other. I don't even have a grave site to visit. We buried him in our hometown in Texas. My parents will occasionally send me pictures but it's not the same. I have no where to visit and no one who understands the significant loss. We were partners in crime. We had many roadtrips (our parents were divorced) so it was always him and I. Never seperated. That is, until I moved away to California for college 8 years ago. It pains me so much that I wasn't there in his last years of life. I never got to see him become a man. Due to financial reasons, I could only visit once or twice per year. We saw each other on holidays but that wasn't enough. I was supposed to look out for him in life. I was supposed to help him make the right decisions and give him advice in his future endeavors. I was supposed to be there for him through everything, and he was suppsoed to be there for me. But now I'm alone. I will have to bury my parents alone, I will have to raise my future kids without an uncle who they would have LOVED. My brother was such a kid at heart, at any family gathering you would catch him playing with the kids, swinging them around, playing hide and seek. He was so amazing, and my children will never get to know him and his amazing heart. It pains me so much. I wish I could say that pain would go away, but it doesn't. It's rough. It's difficult. It's never-ending. I was writing this to help you through and to know that you are not alone. I hope it hasn't turned in to my brother and I's life story. I guess I needed to vent too.

This is also my first time writing in a forum. I've never felt comfortable talking about my feelings, but I'm hoping this will help. I obviously poured my heart out and all that I was feeling. Hearing your experience was hard because I remember when I was at two months, but it was comforting as well, knowing I'm not alone in this. So I thank you for sharing your experience and allowing me to share my feelings as well. It was much needed. My thoughts and prayers are with you!

[Amp1221]

I'm sorry for your loss. I relate to guilt you feel.. Only mine was my older brother. Andrea