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Loss of my boyfriend of 4 years


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On September 3, 2015 I lost my boyfriend to an unknown cause.  He went into the hopsital a week before with a headache.  He had a shunt, so the neurologist thought it was fluid bulidup on the brain.  The neurologist tapped the shunt to relieve some of the pressure and the doctors didn't think he was in any imminent danger.  He was in a regular room and everything.  He was talking, laughing and watching tv.  The next morning his mother called me and said his heart had stopped and from hearing that I knew things didn't look good for him.  The doctors were working on my boyfriend for 35 minutes.  That same day, 12 hours later, he went in cardiac arrest again and the doctors knew his future didn't look good.  A few days later he was declared brain dead and taken off life support.  The doctors still till this day don't know what made my boyfriend code twice.  They didn't know if it was a brain hemorrage, an infection, or a malfunction with the shunt. What could make a perfectly healthy 27 year old go into cardiac arrest twice and ultimately be declared brain dead? I ask myself this question over and over again and I will never get an answer. I beat myself up everyday about this like what if he was in a better hospital or what if there was something that I didn't notice days prior to all of this happening. I miss him so much. He was my best friend and for four years I saw him almost everyday. I don't know how to move on. We talked about marriage and starting a family and I just can't see my future without my Christopher. I am 25 years old and someone my age should never have to go through what I went through. I visited him everyday and talked to him by him bedside even though I knew he couldn't hear me, I knew I was there. His mom and dad are my best friends and they lost their only child and I can never imagine what they are going through. My heart goes out to them and I want to make the pain go away for them, but there is nothing I can say or do that will make any of this better. 


Any insight would be greatly appreciated.

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I'm sorry for your loss. I lost my boyfriend recently as well (two weeks ago), and we had been together for three years so I can understand that loss of relationship, although I'm a little younger than you (22). My boyfriend also died suddenly and it was just so strange and unexpected from a heart attack, although he was a good bit older than me, he was still young. It's so hard to make sense of it all. I've been asking myself as well, how could my boyfriend just drop dead one day so suddenly and be perfectly fine a few hours earlier? How does that happen? It's so crazy... But the thing is, I've just tried to shift my focus on all the love and happiness in life he gave me instead of on the tragedy of his death. I always remember all the good memories and try to remind those around me who also in pain from his death of those beautiful things as well. There's times where that just doesn't help or work, but it gives me light to hold onto, if that helps you at all.

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I just lost my wife on the 15th of October. I just started my own topic about it.

I'm 26 and she was 27. I know how you feel of "how is this even possible right now?"

We were lucky in that the cause was clearer than your boyfriend's. The horrible part that fills me with guilt is that the cause was cirrhosis of the liver due to alcohol. We drank together.

Her mom was an alcoholic and we never drank the way her mom binged. Ever. We spent more time sober than drunk.

But we drank daily. And now she's dead.

Every day is hell.

The only advice I have comes from a book I'm reading that's helping.

It said that, when you look back on the days when they were their worst, right before the end, you two shared something rare.

As she laid there, chest cherking with every pump of the breathing tube, I stroked my wife's hair and told her inresponsive body I loved her. According to the book I'm reading, that is about the closest two people can get.

It's hard to think about it as a good thing now but the book says that with years and experience you can come to cherish those awful, horrible times as the most imtimate moments possible for your life.

I still feel god-awful. I probably will for many years. But it kinda helps me to share that stuff. I guess. Even if my sentiments are stolen from somebody else's book.

I want to scream horrible obscenities but that would be rude to the sleeping family members who are letting me stay with them while I figure out what the hell my life is now.

Oh, and like everybody on the planet has been telling you, I'm sure: "I'm so sorry for your loss!"

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I can completely related to your feelings. I lost my boyfriend (that is what he was at the time) 4 months ago and now I am struggling to figure out what I'm supposed to do. I am only 20 (he was 19) and is seems completely unfair that I am having to deal with such a terrible loss. 
We talked about marriage, careers, and children too. An engagement ring arrived for me a month after his death. 

I know. It's not fair. The young are not supposed to die, and now we are left wondering how we are supposed to ever move on or love again. 

The best thing you can do for his parents to show them that, even in death, you still love them. Let them know that you care. Do what you want to do, but remember that the best thing you can do is to 1. get help for yourself and 2. encourage his parents to get help as well. 

Hope this is helpful to you. 

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